Articles

Writings by Dr. Laura L. Bokar L.C.P.C.‚ L.M.F.T., A.C.S

• A Little Perspective Goes a Long Way

  

  If you and your spouse write down how a quarrel looked to you after the anger has dissipated, chances are your transcripts will read like this. A good way to diffuse arguments can be to try seeing things from your partner’s point of view. The problem is that in the heat of the moment, it’s often hard to see things clearly.

• A Roadmap For Putting Your Marriage Back on Track

  

  Become a student of your spouse. Learn what your partner likes and dislikes. Try to understand his or her unique personality, needs and desires. One book I suggest to help you better understand your spouse is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It explains how to communicate your love depending on your spouse’s love language.

• Raising A Teenager Without Raising Your Blood Pressure

  

  Enforcing the rules can be hard sometimes. Again allow your teen to help you police the rules. They can be very creative. I heard of one mother who wanted her son home early one night because she wanted to get to sleep early. Because his curfew was longer, the teen created a mutually agreeable solution. He put his alarm clock outside of his parents door and set it for his curfew.

  
  

• Setting Boundaries Can Bring A Family Closer

  

  It’s important that if you want someone to stop doing something you replace it with something else. And you need to be clear on your expectations. Change is hard enough. But not understanding what the other person wants can make things even harder.

• Building Healthy Friendships One Step At A Time Tell a Friend

  

  As playwright Oscar Wilde said: “A true friend stabs you in the front.” Sometimes it’s not what’s done to our face, but what happens behind our back that hurts most.

• New Year, New You

  

  Often the biggest reason a goal isn’t achieved is that it isn’t detailed enough. For instance “I want to spend more time with my kids,” lacks specificity. How much time? Where? Doing what? When? I suggest you write down your goals and refer back to them regularly.

• Dealing With Holiday Stress

  

  You’re not alone. ‘Tis the season to be stressed out.
  
  The major cause of holiday stress is expectations. Those expectations usually revolve around family and financial issues. And to top it off, time crunches often bring the stress to the surface.

• Treating Children Differently While Loving Them The Same

  

  Of course you want to treat your children fairly, but because kids are different you’ll find you won’t be able to treat them all the same. That doesn’t mean you don’t love them equally. But you may have to structure things a little differently for each child.

• Improving Togetherness By Making Family Time A Scheduled Event

  

  Quality time can only come after quantity of time. You need to spend a quantity of time together to build the quality of your family relationship. When there’s a sudden problem or crisis, it’s this time together that will give you the foundation you need.

• Understanding Marital Conflict Can Help Make Resolving Quarrels Easier

  

  Couples fight. It's normal, healthy and natural. In fact, if a couple says they never fight it worries me more than hearing they have an occasional argument. Because if they're not disagreeing once in a while, it means they're probably holding in a lot of resentment. Couples fight because they're human.

• Make The Stress Of Mothering Less Smothering

  

  Some men who want to be helpful just jump in and end up getting in the way. It's a better idea for a man to ask what he can do. Chances are his assistance will be more on-target and more appreciated if he just gets direction.
  
  And even better than reminding his wife to make time for herself, he can help her make time. He can offer to watch the kids while your she jumps on the treadmill or runs out shopping with a friend. Surely, she'll return the favor.