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When a Married Couple Is Struggling and Only One Spouse Will Go to Therapy

Effective Strategies for Managing Teen Anxiety

Mon, 26 Feb 2024 08:58:52 GMT

Play Therapy Techniques

Fri, 23 Feb 2024 04:59:32 GMT

Guide to Support Resources and Healing Strategies

Tue, 20 Feb 2024 11:20:27 GMT

Strengthening Bonds: Common Goals for Successful Couples Therapy - From Trust Restoration to Emotional Connection

Mon, 12 Feb 2024 02:09:20 GMT

What Is a Cycle in a Marriage?

Thu, 08 Feb 2024 06:30:46 GMT

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Mon, 05 Feb 2024 06:18:35 GMT

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Fri, 02 Feb 2024 05:02:19 GMT

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Are Selfies a Sign of a Mental Disorder?

Tue, 14 Mar 2023 14:18:47 GMT

Selfies are more then a recent trend, they are a phenomenon. From celebrities, to friends, to kids and even pets you can find just about anyone posing in a selfie these days.

What are Selfies?

A selfie is a photo taken either solo or with other people with a camera held at arm’s length or pointed at a mirror. That photo is then posted to social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, ect.

Defining Narcissism

According to the DSM-V, “the essential feature of narcissistic personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and lack of empathy that begins in early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts.” Additionally, narcissistic traits can include a sense of entitlement, may take advantage of others, can be arrogant, may be envious or lack empathy.

The Link between Selfies and Narcissism…

Research into the world of selfies is relatively new and minimal however, early results are indicating strong correlations between selfies and personality traits. In 2015, Fox and Rooney conducted a national study from a sample of 1,000 men ages 18-40. These men were asked how many selfies they posted on social media in the past week, how many other types of photos they had posted and how much time was spent on social media. The results of this study indicate that posting numerous selfies was related to higher narcissism and psychopathy. Fox and Rooney suggest that “narcissists are more likely to show off with selfies and make extra effort to look their best in these photos..and psychopathic men posted selfies but did not tend to edit them suggesting a level of careful self-presentation that you would be unlikely to find among those high in psychopathy”.

It is important to note that the study of narcissism as it correlates to selfies is in its infancy and the study conducted by Fox and Rooney was the first of its kind. The results of this study do not indicate that men who post selfies are narcissistic or psychopathic, it simply means they scored higher on the assessments then those who do not display these traits.

So before you go to post your next selfie after your long run or your new manicure think about your own purpose in posting. We are all guilty of wanting to share and connect with others but it may be helpful to starting taking note of when you may be looking to meet a deeper need through a selfie and is there a better way to do it?

What Selfie Sticks Really Tell Us About Ourselves

References

American Psychiatric Association, (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. Washington, D.C: American Psychiatric Publishing.

Fox,J. & Rooney, M.C. (2015). The Dark Triad and trait self- objectification as predictors of men’s use and self-presentation behaviors on social networknig sites. Personality and Individual Differences, 76, 161-165.

The Dream of a Family: Coping with Infertility

Tue, 14 Mar 2023 14:06:52 GMT

“It’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it is even harder to give up when you know it is everything you want”

Author Unknown

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive. If you are over the age of 35, the time of trying to conceive is reduced to 6 months. It is estimated that 10 percent of women in the United States between 15-44 have problems becoming or staying pregnant due issues with either female or male infertility.

Infertility knows no race, ethnicity or religion. It cuts across all groups of people. There is a good chance someone you know is struggling with infertility right now. Or, perhaps, you are struggling with many the medical and emotional challenges that accompany infertility.

Infertility is very stressful in many ways. According to The National Infertility Association, women with infertility have the same levels of anxiety and depression as do women with cancer, heart disease and HIV. Infertility can also be a very lonely process, especially when you feel like those around are able to conceive quickly and easily. The stress of infertility can impact every area of your life, your relationship with your partner, your job, your relationships with friends and family and even your spirituality. Combined with the blame and societal pressure to get pregnant, it is no wonder why this journey can create such turmoil for a person.

When do you know it is time to seek professional help? The experience of infertility can cause pain and grief either acute or prolonged depending on diagnosis. Infertility can be a time in which a multitude of emotions are experienced at varying levels of degree and severity including anger, jealousy or sadness. It can also bring about struggles with self-esteem or identity. Infertility is a couple’s experience and each partner may respond differently. This can sometimes bring couples closer together or create strain on the relationship.

If you are concerned that your emotional response to the pain of infertility is beyond what you can manage, you may want to consider meeting with a therapist to help you through your journey.

In the United States there are currently three psychological methods for individuals and couples experiencing infertility; (1) individual/couple’s therapy (2) support groups (3) mind/body groups.

Infertility counseling can help you:

Gather information and making decisions about treatment
Cope with medical/surgical treatments
Cope with the emotional responses to infertility
Manage any pre-existing mental health problems
Improve relationships
Manage stress, anxiety and depression
Improve communication with friends and extended family
Grieve the losses that accompany infertility

Infertility counseling can help you and your partner:

Improve communication
Navigate decisions regarding medical treatment and how to build your family
Improve closeness with one another
Learn to support one another and meet each other’s unique needs during this time

Support groups can help you:

Reduce the feelings of isolation you may experience
Gain support from others going through a similar struggle
Learn coping mechanisms

Mind/Body Groups will teach you:

Behavioral techniques for coping with stress and anxiety
Cognitive techniques to re-frame negative thoughts and beliefs that have developed
Help you build skills to feel like yourself again

You do not have to go through this journey alone. Do not be afraid to seek out help and find the healing you deserve.

Reference

RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association; www.resolve.org

Dependent Personality Disorder: Diagnosis and Treatment

Tue, 14 Mar 2023 13:53:34 GMT

Have you ever wondered if you have Dependent Personality Disorder or traits that resemble this diagnosis?

Dependent Personality Disorder belongs to a cluster of three personality disorders named the Anxious/Fearful Cluster. This cluster of personality disorders experiences a higher level of anxiety, nervousness or fear. DPD is one of ten diagnosable Personality Disorders.

Problematic personality traits become diagnostic when they are inflexible, maladaptive and cause significant impairment in functioning. These problematic patterns typically present in early adulthood or adolescence and can be seen across a variety of situations. The DSM-V states the the essential feature of a personality disorder is a continuing pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates noticeably from the expectations of the individual’s culture and is manifested in at least two of the following:

thinking
emotional expression
interpersonal functioning
impulse control

Traits of Dependent Personality Disorder:

A strong need to be taken care of by other people with the added fear of losing the support from these relationships
Difficulty being alone/without relationships
Experience distress even when just thinking about being alone
Can appear ‘clingy’ and submissive
Fear of conflict preventing self advocacy and making self susceptible to being taken advantage of
Extreme difficulty making your own decisions, even everyday decisions and look to others for help
Need for constant reassurance
Passive approach to most all areas of life and will allow others to make major life decisions on their behalf
Take on unnecessary responsibility and blame
Fearful to disagree with others
Failure to take initiative
Overly sensitive to criticism
High need for validation and approval
Poor or non existent boundaries
Pessimistic and lacking self confidence
May go to extreme lengths for nurturing and support from others
Fear of being unable to care for self
Dependence is not solely on dating relationships it can also be seen in relationships with care givers or loved ones

Treatment of Dependent Personality Disorder

Individuals with this diagnosis rarely seek out treatment, initially, for a personality disorder. They will typically begin treatment due to a problem in their life likely resulting from issues related to the diagnosis. Individuals with DPD are prone to anxiety and depression and will likely notice these symptoms to be problematic first.

The goals of therapy for Dependent Personality Disorder include:

Building self-esteem
Developing an individual identity
Becoming more active
Forming healthy relationships with appropriate boundaries

With treatment, many people can experience improvement in symptoms. If you are struggling with these traits and are ready for a change do not hesitate to contact us. We can help!

The Highly Sensitive Person & Why it Works

steve@strategiconlinecorp.com (Steve Bailey) — Tue, 14 Mar 2023 13:11:43 GMT

The experience of being a highly sensitive person is common, but not well understood. According to Dr. Elaine Aron, leading researcher in the field, highly sensitive people exist on a continuum of severity but all hold in common four qualities. They process everything very deeply, tend to be overstimulated, have a greater emotional reactivity and empathy and heightened sensitivity to stimuli such as light, smells and sounds.

Additional qualities of a the highly sensitive person include, difficulty ‘tuning things out,’ easily overwhelmed, low risk taking, need for quiet, can cry easier then others, struggle with decision making, pay attention to details and tend to people please.

Often times the highly sensitive person is seen as problematic, that their responses are abnormal and extreme. In truth, the highly sensitive person has many strengths. How can you make this personality style work for you?

Nurturing Environments . HSP do best in these types of environments. Consider creating seeking out a nurturing environment for your home, relationships and career.

In Tune with Needs . HSP tend to be highly in tune with the needs of others. Use this strength to your advantage particularly in career choice. Try to find a path that will support you utilizing this trait, such as teaching, counseling, music, art or the medical field.

Avoid your Triggers . If you know what sets you off, whether it be people, places, experiences, etc. do your best to avoid them when possible. Avoidance is not always possible, so when you know you may be in a situation that triggers you, do your best to plan ahead on how you will cope.

Daily Downtime . This is important because HSP are more at risk of becoming overwhelmed. Downtime helps to recharge, reset and regain focus to keep moving through the day.

Express your Passion . When highly sensitive people feel passionate about something, it is hard to hide. A helpful way to channel this passion can be through speaking, teaching or simply sharing with friends and family. People learn better when their teachers are passionate about what they do.

Deep Conversations . Highly sensitive people prefer to have deep meaningful conversations versus surface level discussions. Many relationships and environments both support and seek out these types of interactions, find ones that you can be a part of.

Problem Solving . Highly sensitive people will walk away from conversations and continue to think about them. This can serve as a strength as long as it does not turn into rumination. Often times HSP will walk away from their thinking with new answers or ideas.

Caring . The ability to care for others can go a long way, both for the highly sensitive person and those on the receiving end. Feeling genuinely cared for is a priceless experience. The ability to care is an admirable quality to hold onto.

Good Judgment of Character. The highly sensitive person has a deep need to understand hence their desire for depth and substance. This allows for genuine connection and understanding with others.

Learn more about the Highly Sensitive Person from Dr. Elaine Aron here: http://hsperson.com/

I Just Need Someone to Listen! The Difference Between Empathy and Sympathy

Tue, 14 Mar 2023 12:51:23 GMT

Do you find yourself feeling with or feeling for others? Simply stated, that is the core difference between empathy and sympathy.

Feeling with another person, or empathy, allows one to feel heard, understood and cared for. Empathy is the ability to recognize and share the emotions of another; the ability to see a situation from another’s perspective and sharing in their emotions.

Harper Lee, author of To Kill a Mockingbird , states “You never really understand another person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside his skin and walk around in it.”

So how can you cultivate your empathic skills?

Be fully present in your interactions with others, tune out your own stuff for a moment and truly listen. Look the other person in the eyes and allow yourself to become fully engaged.
Be a curious and active listener. The intention of empathy is not to offer advice or fix a problem, it is to simply be there and try to understand because you truly want to.
Learn the art of non-judgmental connection with others, “Please tell me more about what you are going through” “How can I be of help to you.” As the Dalai Lama says, “What is Love? Love is the lack of judgment. And that is the deepest and highest form of empathy.”
Get in touch with your own emotions. To understand the feelings of others you have to understand your own.

Feeling for another person, or sympathy, is often confused with empathy. Sympathy does not involve shared perspective or emotions, rather it conveys a feeling of concern for some one and a wish for them to be happier. Sympathy is often conveyed through words, body language or facial expressions. So while behaviors convey sympathy they do not convey that distress is shared.

In the following video, researcher Brené Brown, further explains the difference between empathy and sympathy.

Watch video here: empathy vs. sympathy video

As Brown explains, empathy is a skill that strengthens with practice. Consider taking some time to think about how you relate to the feelings of others. Imagine the immense difference it could make in your relationships to strengthen your empathic skills!

How to Deepen Your Connection with your Partner

Tue, 14 Mar 2023 11:38:46 GMT

Are you looking for ways to feel closer to your partner? Intimacy between you and your partner is critical to keeping the bonds strong. It is always important to determine what may be causing the disconnect between you two and try to problem-solve around that issue as well. There are various reasons that can lead to a disconnect but many couples get ‘stuck in a rut’ and simply forget or lose sight of what makes them feel close to one another.

Intimacy is the feeling of being close to another and a sense of belonging together. Sustaining intimacy for a length of time requires both emotional and interpersonal awareness. Partners need to be able to exist both separate and together as participants in their intimate relationship.

It is important to know that intimacy in your relationship will naturally go through stages. There is no set course for these stages but it may be helpful to identify where you feel you may fall.

Infatuation – the “I just met the love of my life” stage. Infatuation will ebb and flow during this stage but you may find that you just cannot get enough of each other.
Landing – the “oh no, who did I marry?” stage. Landing is when infatuation lifts and clarity of every day living comes in. Landing can feel turbulent and at times glide smoothly but, at the end of the day, you come home to one another.
Burying – the “did I even see you yesterday, I don’t remember?” stage. Burying is when the business of life takes over; kids, laundry, jobs, endless to do lists, home care, etc. Burying is good in that you are reminded your relationship is real but you will need to take some time to try to unbury and let intimacy resurface.
Resurfacing – the “wow I forgot how much I love you! “ stage- in this stage your relationship can get a ‘jolt’ or ‘reality check’ that brings it back to life and makes it a priority again. Resurfacing allows you to resolve to one another to build closeness again.
Love - the “I love you more then I every thought I could” stage- it is in this stage partners typically realize ‘how good they have it’ and ride the wave of love together.

Making a relationship work means just that, doing the ongoing work your relationship will demand.

The following are some tips to enhance closeness between you and your partner:

Set goals together – no matter what the goal, working together as a team can strengthen love and closeness.
Put the stuff away – technology, toys, television, etc. take some time to just be with one another instead of always having a third ‘person’ hanging out with you and your partner. This would give you both the opportunity to look at one another while having a discussion, what a great way to strength connection by looking into your partner’s eyes.
Create a new tradition or rehab the old one - is there something that both always loved doing together that you can start back up again? Or perhaps a new tradition you can create together?
Be spiritual together – praying or meditating together is an excellent way to build closeness.
Check in with each other every day – make this a party of your daily schedule.
Have a bed time routine you can stick to – this is especially helpful with children. Once you put the kids to bed set a routine that works for you both where you can build closeness.
Have a date night – just you two giving focused attention to one another can be a great way to feel close and have fun!
Look for the best – do not speak bad about your partner; find a way to focus on their strengths rather then their weakness.

And do not forget, you can go to therapy together! Do not hesitate to utilize the resource of having an objective person helping you both learn to communicate better, sort through the cause to the disconnect and determine how to build closeness again.

Tips for Teen Anxiety at the Start of the School Year

Tue, 14 Mar 2023 11:21:19 GMT

During times of transition and change it is not uncommon to experience anxious feelings. This is especially true for teens returning to school. Anxiety about the start of the school year can begin weeks before school even starts. Not only do teens feel the effects of anxiety but, chances are, their parents and family system will be impacted by their symptoms as well.

Anxiety experienced by teens can vary from every day worries of what to wear and who their teachers will be to clinical diagnosis such as Generalized Anxiety, Panic Disorder or Social Phobia potentially resulting in school refusal, low self esteem or worsening of symptoms.

It is important to address school anxiety before it spirals for a teen. It is ideal to be preventative so the anxiety does not interfere with success at school or relationships. The result of early intervention could help your teen avoid the negative impacts of school avoidance such as missed school work, missed social opportunities or moments for praise and validation.

Effective strategies to combat anxiety will help teens learn how to manage it themselves. Additionally, the help of a good support system (parents, teachers, counselors) can only enhance the effects of these strategies.

Remember, everyone’s plan for coping will look different and will need to be tailored to the unique needs of your teen. In developing strategies, it is important to consider the teen’s age, gender, and personality traits.

Tips for Coping with Back to School Anxiety:

1) Talk/Write Through Your Stress . Teens have the ability to think and reason in abstract terms. Therefore, they may benefit from being able to release their thoughts and feelings in the form of writing or talking. When a teen is allowed to tend to and nurture their emotions it can help combat the effects of anxiety.

(2) Predictable Routines . Many times this can go out the window during the summer, teens tend to fall off their schedules. It is critical to get back into a routine as soon as school starts if not before. Most importantly, incorporating a sleep/meal schedule into your teen’s daily routine is valuable.

(3) Problem-Solve the Concerns . Develop strategies to cope with the concerns. It is important to acknowledge that the anxiety is real and not something that will ‘just go away or get better.’ Come up with practical ideas to deal with the problem situations if they should occur.

(4) Role Play . Teens can ‘act out’ anxiety provoking situations with those they feel comfortable with; family, friends or a therapist for example.

(5) Focus on the Good . What could be exciting or positive about the upcoming school year? Often times teens will become so overwhelmed by anxiety they lose sight of what could potentially be good. Help them discover the positives.

(6) Manage the Inner Critic . What does your teen’s inner voice sound like? If they are struggling with anxiety, chances are their self talk is critical, overwhelming or negative. Help your teens speak calmer, kinder and fairer. Healthy self talk will help to build the confidence necessary to take on new challenges at school.

(7) Build or Enhance a Support System . Anxious teens benefit greatly from a healthy support system. The support system itself can be defined by the teen, which gives them the power in determining who they find helpful. A teens’s support system can consist of various people or groups. Some examples include, a parent, friend, school counselor, therapist, family member or support group could all be important people to help teens through anxiety.

And do not forget, reach out to our skilled therapists at FVI. We can help!

Strengthen the Parent Child Connection with Attachment Based Parenting Tips

Mon, 13 Mar 2023 14:42:06 GMT

I tried to teach my child with books.

He gave me only puzzled looks.

I used clear words to discipline,

But I never seemed to win.

Despairingly, I turned aside.

“How shall I reach this child?” I cried.

Into my hand he put the key:

“Come,” he said, “Play with me.”

Author Unknown, adapted by Aletha Solter

Are you a parent looking to strengthen your relationship with your young child? If you are not getting along well with your child, the relationship with your child has been strained or you simply wish to enhance your a good bond, attachment based parenting tips can be helpful for you.

Attachment is the bond that children develop with their primary caregivers in the first few years of life. This will become your child’s first introduction to love, security and intimacy. A secure bond between parent and child is critical because it will assist your child in developing a healthy sense of self and emotional regulation when under stress. This attachment is said to heavily influence the type of attachment children will go on to have as adults; it can influence how they relate to others and how they view themselves.

Attachment parenting is an approach to childrearing that promotes a secure attachment bond between a parent and a child. According to Attachment Parenting International, how parents develop a secure attachment with their child lies in the parent’s ability to fulfill that child’s need for trust, empathy, and affection by providing consistent, loving, and responsive care. By demonstrating healthy and positive relationship skills, the parent provides critical emotional scaffolding for the child to learn essential self-regulatory skills.

If you have found your style to be that of attachment parenting, you will find the following tips helpful in strengthening your relationship with your child:

(1) Let your child explore- allow your child to explore the world around them. Let them ask questions and do your best to answer them all with patience.

(2) Allow your child to participate in decision making- ask your child what they want to wear and actually let them wear the outfit the pick. When you respect your child’s decision he/she will feel respect in return.

(3) Express love and emotion- daily and as much as you can! Always tell your child how you feel about them, even if you believe they have done something wrong. When everything is left said, as opposed to unsaid, relationship bonds are enhanced as trust and intimacy are built.

(4) Play! Have fun with your child. Play is one of the best ways to bond with your child. This can be a time to be silly with your child but there are also teachable moments in play.

(5) Eat your meals together- this is great bonding time with your child. Discuss your days and take time to connect.

(6) Find a fun class or activity to participate in together- this can allow you to have fun and strengthen your relationship at the same time. Allow your child to participate in choosing a class or outing they will enjoy.

(7) Mirror your child- this is a proven method to strengthen attachment. Mirror your child’s body movements, facial expressions or words. This will help your child to feel heard and validated.

(8) A ‘day at the spa’- spend time playing dress up, painting nails and doing each other’s hair.

(9) Read books and sing songs together, including an emphasis on games that enhance physical closeness such as Little Piggy or Thunder and Rainstorms on their back.

(10) Tactile and sensory activities can help strengthen bonds- for example playing with rice, shaving cream or finger paint.

(11) Provide a calm, structured and predictable environment

Divorce Mediation Services Now Available at FVI !

Mon, 13 Mar 2023 14:20:27 GMT

WHAT IS DIVORCE MEDIATION

Divorce Mediation provides dispute resolution via a neutral third-party mediator. The mediator will help the divorcing couple reach a fair and equitable settlement.

Mediation is…

Client-driven, not court-driven and will allow both you and your spouse to make your own decisions on what is best for you and your future.
An amicable negotiation process in which spouses are assisted in their communication styles to reach a resolution.
A non-adversarial approach to reach financial and custody decisions. Easing the emotional distress frequently associated with divorce.
Cost effective; the total cost of mediation is significantly less than the cost of litigation with attorneys.
Private and confidential; your personal details are kept private and confidential, not made public in court.
Time effective; how long the process will take is completely controlled by you.
Fair and equitable because the terms are determined and reached by you and your spouse.

WHAT TO EXPECT FROM YOUR MEDIATOR

A mediator is a neutral professional who will help you and your spouse conduct and negotiate your disputes to resolution in a fair and unbiased manner.

Your Mediator will:

Listen to the wants, needs, and goals of both spouses.
Not give advice
Assist spouses, together in formulating ideas that can lead to long-standing agreements

ARE YOU A CANDIDATE FOR DIVORCE MEDIATION?

Candidates are considered good fits for divorce mediation when both spouses are:

Willing to actively participate in mediation
Willing to attend mediation voluntarily
Capable of making their own decisions

WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THE PROCESS

Divorce Mediation will allow you and your spouse to reach a resolution on the points required by the court to obtain a divorce. These points include, but are not limited to:

Custody and Parenting Time
Equitable Distribution of Property (Assets & Liabilities)
Child Support
Spousal Support

You can also expect:

Weekly, hourly sessions with your mediator.
A Memorandum of Understanding will be drafted at the end of your process which is required of you to bring to court to obtain a divorce.

Please contact Client Care to schedule your first mediation appointment at 630.718.0717 ext. 214

Managing the Conflict & Emotions of Divorce Through Therapy

Mon, 13 Mar 2023 13:56:27 GMT

HOW A THERAPIST CAN HELP MANAGE CONFLICT AND EMOTIONS DURING A DIVORCE – ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOLVED

By: Dr. Laura Bokar, LMFT, LCPC, ACS & Cheryl Frommelt, LCPC, LMFT

Sometimes, marriages do not succeed. The end of a marriage can be a relief to some people, but it can also be an extremely stressful event. Even the partner who chooses to leave may experience a wide range of emotions and intense feelings that may be painful or difficult, such as grief, guilt, anger, confusion, fear, and anxiety. If children are involved, the stress level within a divorcing family is likely to be even higher.

Children will directly benefit from the divorce therapy their parents receive. Parents may often be consumed with their own feelings during a divorce, they might overlook the emotional state of their children, who may be confused by the divorce or feel guilt, loss, pain, or abandonment. Children may not be sure which parent they should “choose,” or be loyal to, and they might also worry that they are the cause of the divorce. When parents are in high conflict with each other, a child may feel even more fearful, and a child who often hears his or her parents argue about custody arrangements might feel as if he or she is unwanted by either parent, or as if he or she is to blame for the separation.

Although not the intention of most parents, putting children in the middle of conflict is particularly harmful. Examples of this are: asking children to carry messages between parents, grilling children about the other parent’s activities, telling children the other parent does not love them, and putting the other parent down in front of the children. Poorly managed conflict between parents increases children’s risk of behavior problems, depression, substance abuse and dependence, poor social skills, and poor academic performance.

Parents want the best for their children. Yet, high conflict can overshadow this desire and pull parents’ energy away from promoting their children’s best interests. Fortunately, there are approaches by which divorce professionals can help parents reduce conflict. Options include mediation, collaborative divorce, parenting/ co-parent counseling, and relationship counseling.

ROLE OF A THERAPIST

When a people separate or divorce but continue to struggle with communication and making decisions with one another, a clinical therapist who has experience working with families can help improve communication skills, design strategies for preventing and reducing conflict, bring understanding about the grief/loss process of ending the relationship and guide them through the journey of building a new life.

Divorce therapy is a type of therapy which allows couples to better achieve the dissolution of the marriage in a healthy, constructive fashion. An experienced therapist can act as a sort of mediator and set guidelines to ensure that the divorce is achieved with minimal hostility and emotional damage. Therapists can also help address pertinent issues, such as living arrangements, financial obligations, and parenting responsibilities.

BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS

Getting Apart Together: The Couple’s Guide to a Fair Divorce Or Separation

Martin Kranitz

Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way

by M. Gary Neuman, Patricia Romanowski, Sandra Blakeslee, Judith S. Wallerstein

Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce

by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll

Are your Thoughts and Behaviors Limiting You?

Mon, 13 Mar 2023 12:08:59 GMT

When you are literally pulling your hair out, finding yourself constantly and compulsively checking if your front door is locked, or perseverating endlessly on an experience, it may be time to explore if OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is at the root of these behaviors.

Definition of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:

The International OCD Foundation defines Obsessive-Compulsive as a mental disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), and behaviors that drive them to do something over and over (compulsions). Often the person carries out the behaviors to get rid of the obsessive thoughts.

Characteristics/Symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder:

• Repeated unwanted ideas, thoughts, or imagery
• Fear of contamination
• Aggressive impulses
• Persistent sexual thoughts
• Thoughts that you might be harmed or cause someone else harm
• Religious and moral fears
• Extreme need for symmetry or exactness

Prevalence of OCD in the United States:

• 1 in 40 adults
• 1 in 100 children

Concurrent Conditions associated with OCD:

• Anxiety Disorders
• Major Depressive Disorder
• Bi-Polar Disorder
• Attention Deficit /
• Hyperactivity Disorder
• Tic Disorders / Tourette Syndrome (TS)
• Body Dysmorphic Disorder
• Hoarding Disorder
• Autism Spectrum Disorder
• Excoriation (skin picking) Disorder
• Trichotillomania (hair pulling) Disorder
• Feeding / Eating Disorders

Benefits of testing for OCD:

While testing isn’t always necessary, a clinical psychologist may conduct psychological testing to determine the impact the OCD symptoms are having on the individual’s ability to function. A comprehensive psychological assessment provides feedback on the strengths and limitations of the individual. Psychological testing can help lead to a diagnosis and addressing the underlying factors of a problem. Following testing, accurately tailored treatments and interventions can be recommended.

Additional assessment factors to consider:

Since there can be a genetic component, a family mental health history should be gathered along with identifying what medications have and have not been useful to treat the family members’ OCD. Further exploring the family stressors that may exacerbate the OCD symptoms can be very beneficial.

A medical health history should be conducted for someone with OCD, especially in children and adolescents. Something that is quite different from Pediatric OCD is the appearance of Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders (PANDAS/PANS) in this situation, OCD symptoms often emerge as a result of an infection, such as strep. Rather than developing gradually, this relatively rare sub-type of OCD manifests as a sudden appearance of OCD symptoms in children following an infection.

FVI DIGEST: OCD CASE STUDY

Dana is a 10 year old, white, 4th grade female. She lives at home with her mother, father, twin brothers, age 5, and her 12 year old sister. She noted experiencing a lot of unwanted ideation about symmetry and germs. She also has rigid nighttime rituals that are time consuming and impact her family. She’s a good student, who’s highly motivated, but her worries about germs have contributed to her not wanting to attend school. She attempts to minimize the anxiety about germs by washing her hands after she touches what she believes to be a contaminated object. She will wash her hands up to four times repeatedly which has led to red chapped skin. At school reading and writing have become time intensive because the OCD is demanding she balance her gaze by looking at one side of a book, and then the other for equal time. She gets mentally distracted by adding up the number of letters in words and reorganizing the words based on an even/odd pattern. Teachers describe her as having attention deficit. During her bedtime routine, she includes many rigid rituals like having to say good night in both a certain way and number of times, applying lotion in a particular fashion that includes pumping the lotion bottle two times, and organizing the blankets in a certain manner. She refuses to go to sleep if her parents are not home, thus her parents miss out on social events. Prior to her parents having an explanation of OCD for Dana’s behaviors, her parents viewed her behavior as defiant and disrespectful. OCD sends out a loud message for symmetry, so if her parents kiss her on one side of her face they need to balance it with a kiss on the other side of her face. If a person touches one of Dana’s arms, Dana will then need to touch the other arm in the same place. Dana has also experienced physical complications like teeth grinding at night, stomach pain, constipation, headaches, and irritated skin.

Dana has learned to view her OCD as a brain hiccup and to not feel guilt for her quirky behaviors. She named her OCD, “stupid thoughts” and she began to boss these “stupid thoughts” back, telling the thoughts she won’t respond to them or allow them to control her behavior. Dana learned diffusion techniques to externalize thoughts and to see the thoughts come and go, like leaves on a stream, allowing her a visual image to encourage flexibility and acceptance. Another technique that assisted Dana was learning to be “in the moment” and use her senses of smell, taste, touch, hearing, and sight to let go of being the “thinking self” and learn to be the “observing self”. Virtual Reality Therapy was beneficial in assisting with Exposure and Response Prevention. Dana visualizes someone touching something that to her was “contaminated” and then the person would proceed to go to lunch without washing their hands. To help her stay calm through the visualization exercise, Dana was taught deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation. Dana was then able to utilize these calming strategies in her day to day activities. Eventually, she was able to practice Exposure and Response Prevention on her own. She is now able to touch a “contaminated” surface and not have to run immediately to the sink to wash her hands. Ultimately, Dana was able to go to school and not feel she had to respond to her obsessive thinking. Since her parents were seeing improvements in Dana they trusted she can regulate some of the distressful thoughts, which allowed Dana’s parents to feel more comfortable having date nights and trusting things would be ok.

Treatment for OCD:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the treatment modality which is the form of treatment recommended by National Institute of Mental Health , Mayo Clinic, and Harvard Medical School. CBT involves techniques related to Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy (ERP) and Cognitive Therapy. When you recognize that your behaviors may be becoming problematic and disruptive, a critical first step is reaching out to a qualified therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. They are here to help you. Break the stigma surrounding mental health by becoming more cognizant of these conditions. Once awareness exists, you can help yourself or support others in seeking out services.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Printable Newsletter (pdf)
Is There Help For Ocd?

Recognizing Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders

Mon, 13 Mar 2023 09:25:39 GMT

Research tells us that about 80% of women will experience normal feelings of sadness and anxiety within the first few weeks of delivery. Some women may experience more clinically significant symptoms of anxiety, depression, obsessions and compulsions, and psychosis. One in seven women may suffer from more serious symptoms of depression or anxiety. Dads and other partners are also susceptible; one in ten men may experience postpartum depression. Postpartum mood and anxiety disorders can begin at any time during or after pregnancy; including in the case of a loss of pregnancy.

These symptoms may look unexpected:

Agitation
Anger
Insomnia
Hypervigilance
Drug and/or alcohol dependence

If you think you may be suffering from a perinatal mood disorder, please know that you are not alone, that you are not to blame, and that you can be well again.

Many of the mothers that I have encountered since becoming a clinical therapist have echoed the relief I experienced when we agree on the challenge of parenthood and the realistic toll that a newborn can take on one’s psyche.

When I was two weeks postpartum with my first child, I walked into a “Mommy & Me Support Group” hoping to see a handful of other mothers that looked just like me: sleep-deprived, spit up on my shoulder, hair in a messy bun and yoga pants. I hoped that I would be validated in my struggle; to learn that I was not alone in feeling like I had just entered into the hardest time period of my life. Luckily, I was met with the warm smile of a social worker who informed me that although I had mistaken the time of the class, that she’d be happy to sit down and talk one-on-one with me. An hour later, I walked away feeling lighter and relieved to know that the range of feelings I was experiencing were all normal and to be expected.

After several weeks of attending my local hospital’s “Mommy & Me” support group as a new mother, I felt emboldened by learning from the collective knowledge of the group, validated by seeing others with bags under their eyes, and hopeful in seeing mothers with older babies who were getting more sleep. If you or a loved one has recently given birth or received a child by adoption, my hope for you is that you’ve found a place to be validated and encouraged. If you are struggling with more severe symptoms and think you may be suffering from a perinatal mood disorder, please consider making an appointment to begin healing today.

For immediate assistance to schedule an appointment, please connect with one of our Client Care Specialists at 630.718.0717, ext. 240.

Emotional Responding

Mon, 13 Mar 2023 06:56:27 GMT

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand. Most people listen with the intent to reply.”

– Stephen R. Covey

Do you know how to respond to the emotional needs of others? Consider your relationships for a moment, your friends, family members, children or partner. Do you feel that you are able to respond to their emotional needs? New Paragraph

Every person has emotional needs which they seek fulfillment for. Some can be met on your own or with the help from someone else. Consider the following needs both for yourself and for those you are in a relationship with:

To be loved, trusted, comforted, confident, respected, needed, believed, wanted, listened to
To belong, relax, trust, love
Spiritual needs
Intimacy needs

In responding to the emotional needs of others, the following would be unhelpful approaches:

Neglect “you can figure it out on your own”
Criticism “lighten up, it’s not that bad”
Advice “next time you should…”
Minimize “it’s really not that big of a deal”
Anger “that makes me so mad!”
Self-reflection “that happened to me once”
Complaints “that was so embarrassing”
Avoidance – using humor to change the subject

Responding to emotional needs in the following ways would be more helpful to those you care about:

Listen for their need- which one is are looking for to be met?
Listen carefully- give them your full attention, do not do something else at the same time you are attempting to listen. This will make the other person feel dismissed. As you listen be sure that you are understanding.
Listen more- take in what they are saying, do not formulate a response in your head as they are speaking. Reflect back what they are saying, this will help them to feel heard.
Respond- show empathy, meet their need, do not make it about yourself! Use feeling words to communicate, “I am sorry you had to go through such sadness.” Ask questions when appropriate; what do you need from me or what I can I do to be helpful?

These ideas just scratch the surface on meeting the needs of others in a healthy manner. We will continue to look at this topic in depth in future blog posts. For now, try to implement these techniques with a loved one and pay attention to the results!

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/emotional-unavailability/
https://fvinstitute.com/depression-in-men/
https://fvinstitute.com/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body/
https://fvinstitute.com/are-selfies-a-sign-of-a-mental-disorder/
https://fvinstitute.com/dependent-personality-disorder-diagnosis-and-treatment/
https://fvinstitute.com/highly-sensitive-people-strengths/

Social Media: Setting Boundaries with your Child

Mon, 13 Mar 2023 02:45:11 GMT

In today’s world, there is virtually no escape from technology and social media. From infancy to adulthood, there is an application for almost everything. Infants and toddlers are drawn to bright lights, vivid colors, and melodic tunes. Older children enjoy testing their skills and having opportunities to create, with more advanced games like MineCraft or FortNite. Before you know it, your child is requesting their own social media account. They may want to join Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, or one of the countless others. As a parent, what do you do?

Set Boundaries

As a parent, it is necessary to set boundaries for your child. Parents are responsible for making sure their children are appropriately dressed, clean, eat balanced meals, educated, and are taught to act responsibly. Responsible use of technology is no different, in that it too requires appropriately setting of boundaries.

Model Appropriate Use: As a parent, we are models of behavior for our children. This requires demonstrating moderation and responsible sharing of photos and personal information. There’s an opportunity here to have a discussion about what is deemed appropriate and reminding our children of the everlasting effects of what they share on social media.

Supervision: Parents should be able to supervise their children’s use and interactions on social media. This will require the parent to have full access to their children’s usernames and passwords to all social media accounts. Children will often resist this boundary wanting to have their privacy. While their desire for privacy is valid, safety is most important.

Obligations Come First: Any and all responsibilities should be complete before using social media. This includes homework, chores, and other miscellaneous tasks that are assigned.

Respect: Demand that children always remain respectful on social media. Cyber-bullying is a real thing. Teaching children that the internet is not an acceptable place to put others “on blast” when they are angry or upset. While the internet may seem like a safe or anonymous place to vent frustrations, there are very real consequences for inappropriate postings.

Now what?

Now that you have set appropriate boundaries, it should be smooth sailing from here, right? I am afraid not. Adolescents are smart and crafty. They are notoriously gifted at finding loopholes to their parents’ rules and boundaries. There are a few things to remember when you are trying to monitor your tween or teen’s use of social media.

E-mail: Signing up for an e-mail account is far too easy for a young person to do. They can easily lie about age for consent or access. This means that your child MAY be able to sign up for an e-mail account without your approval or without your awareness, and thus, may have access to content that is inappropriate.

Second Accounts: So, what would a teen do with an e-mail account that mom and dad don’t know about? Sign up for other social media accounts that mom and dad don’t know about of course! It is not uncommon for a teen to have multiple usernames for various social media platforms. There is the “family friendly” account that is monitored meticulously by mom or dad that the teen can post most of their information. However, there is often a second, separate, account that parents may not know about that is used for friends. These second accounts tend to have more personal information or thoughts, and can hold more concerning information, such as posts alluding to depression, drug use, or other unhealthy behaviors.

Alternate Devices: Some parents will use their teens phone or electronic devices as a way to impose consequences. While this is often a very effective punishment, teens will find ways around these restrictions. Teens will sometimes turn to their friends to be able to access their social media accounts from their device, particularly if they have an account that mom and dad are unaware of and are unable to monitor.

So, what is the Bottom Line?

Bottom line, it is going to take a good relationship with your teen to be able to effectively monitor their use of social media. As a parent, you should be setting boundaries, meaning you should model good use of social media, have access to their accounts, make sure that their responsibilities are met, and ensure they are interacting with others respectfully. However, many adolescents thirst for their freedom and privacy and may feel that they need to have their own accounts. Given the ease of access, signing up for an additional account is tantalizing.

Additional Resources:

Why “use your words” isn’t a Helpful Phrase in Parenting

Mon, 13 Mar 2023 01:06:05 GMT

Your child comes running to you. They are crying. They throw themselves on the floor and flail their arms and legs. You don’t know what happened or what started this behavior. You pick them
up, pull them to you, and they continue. At this point, you utter one of the most common phrases a parent knows, “use your words”. The intent of this phrase is to better understand what your child is experiencing so can better attend to their need. Unfortunately, when this behavior is occurring, your child is not able to use their words as they have moved from their thinking brain into their emotion brain (limbic system). In this emotion part of the brain, logic and words hold no meaning. Instead, connection and validation is the language that needs to be heard.

Importance of Co-regulation

During a tantrum, there are two main tasks for parents; 1) keep yourself calm and 2) help your child get calm. What’s even better than only having two tasks, if you can complete task 1 often task 2 will happen automatically. This is called co-regulation. Through co-regulation you are actively showing (not telling) your child how to calm their emotions. The reason co-regulation works is because of mirror neurons in our brain. In a general sense, the mirror neurons take on the behaviors/actions of another person and makes it their own. For children, if they see their parent taking slow deep breaths, they will begin to take slow deep breaths as well. On the flip side, if our child sees us become increasingly frustrated, this will only feed into their tantrum. Co-regulation needs to continue until your child is fully calmed down. This can take a while which is why task 1, keep yourself calm, is so important. You will know when your child is and calming down (and moving out of their emotion brain) when they can follow a small, benign direction like “can you grab a tissue for me?”. Once your child is calm (regulated), a discussion about what happened and the emotion they were experiencing can be had. This is a good time to start planning with your child behaviors they can do when experiencing different large emotions. Many times our children do not know options for behavior around large emotions which is why tantrums occur.

Keeping Yourself Calm

There is no one right way to keep yourself calm. What one method works for you may not work for your spouse or the parent down the street. A skill that worked for you on the first three tantrums may not work on the 4th or 18th. Create a set of skills and practice during calm times so that when your child builds into a tantrum, you are prepared and ready. Below are 7 common skills to keep you calm:

Take deep breaths. This keeps your blood pressure low and gives the sensation of calm.
Start with a breath in for 5 counts and hold 5 counts. Then breathe out 5 counts and hold 5 counts. Repeat as needed.
Hum your favorite tune in a slow and low tone. Lullabies are great for this as it mimics times that are quiet and comfortable.
Name what you can see, hear, smell, touch, and taste. This is a skill for when you really are trying to stay focused and thinking.
Mantras such as “I am relaxed, I am calm”, “Breath in, I calm my body. Breath out, I calm my mind”, and “This is only temporary” helps you to remember your primary task.
Grab a snack for yourself and your child. Staying calm takes energy. Food gives energy. When giving food to your child don’t ask if they want to eat it just hand them something you know they like. If they refuse that’s ok.
Do a body scan. Close your eyes and find where your muscles are clenched and purposefully un-clench.
Switch off with another adult. If this is a particularly long meltdown, it is okay to take a break, grab a glass of water, and share the emotional load.

If you fail in keeping your calm, just remember to give yourself some grace. No parent in the history of the world has been able to stay calm for 100% of their child’s tantrums. When the calm returns to the home, because it will, enjoy the calm and plan for next time. Work with your child on developing skills to manage their emotions. Alongside teaching them “a cow goes moo and a duck says quack”, teach them “when I’m angry I take a deep breath and when I am confused I ask for help”. These are all skills to learn and learning takes practice and repetition.

Christina Maki, MS, LMFT

Christina is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over a decade of experience. She is honored to work with children, tweens, teens, parents, and families who have courageously chosen to seek help during times of struggle. She has spent time working in the foster care system, community mental health clinics, and private practice. In each of these settings, her primary aim is to help build resilience, find internal strengths, and create healthy relationships. Christina’s style of therapy is relational, strength-based, evidence-based, and integrative.

4 Solid Predictors of a Relationship in Trouble

Sat, 11 Mar 2023 07:12:20 GMT

Did you know whether our marriage would survive? It’s a question couples have often asked me after they have experienced a positive change in their relationship. I think it is an interesting question. However, if I were to allow myself to predict an outcome, I would be doing our profession a disservice.

I believe in the process of therapy and that change is possible! I have observed when couples identify where they learned much of their behavior patterns. It serves as an awakening and an opportunity for them to decide to do things differently. I hold the belief that when couples do the necessary work, their relationship can be stronger than before therapy. But it is important for me to state, when abuse (of any kind), addictions, affairs or agendas are present these behaviors need to be assessed for severity, then addressed and eliminated for a relationship to be healthy.

When a relationship is in severe trouble there are four communication styles that The Gottman Institute research identifies as predictors that a relationship will end. John Gottman calls them The Four Horsemen – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

Criticism is distinctly different than stating a complaint. It is an attack on the partner’s character, with the intent to harm. It is crucial to learn the difference between complaining and criticizing.
Contempt is treating the other with disrespect, ridicule, name-calling, and sarcasm. Its intention is to make one feel worthless. Contempt is the single predictor of divorce. This communication style needs to be addressed and eliminated.
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. It happens when a partner feels wrongly accused and finds excuses. The intent is to get the partner to back off. Defensiveness is necessary at times but, when used in a stressful situation, may increase the conflict.
Stonewalling is typically a response to contempt. The partner stops listening and responding. They back off or shut down from any interactions with their partner. The intent is to avoid addressing a difficult issue. It is crucial during this time to recognize the behavior, ask for a break, and return with a more open attitude.

I write about the Four Horsemen because they are the most common indicators that therapists use to identify a relationship in trouble. These communication styles are not difficult for therapists to identify when working with a couple and yet they can be the most challenging to change. Fortunately, when a couple comes in wanting to improve their relationship and does what is necessary to change, they can create a new relationship.

Dr. Laura L. Bokar

LMFT, LCPC, ACS

Dr. Laura Bokar can be reached by phone at 630.718.0717, ext. 202 or email drlaura@fvinstitute.com. For immediate assistance to schedule an appointment, please connect with one of our Client Care Specialists at 630.718.0717, ext.240.

Choosing the Problem You Want to Solve During a Parenting Moment

Fri, 10 Mar 2023 02:11:46 GMT

A while back my son came home from school and began telling a convoluted story of how he “chose” to go to the principal’s office at school so he could calm his emotions and behaviors. As he was telling me this story, an email from his teacher arrived detailing how he had struggled to regulate his emotions during recess and was sent to the principal’s office for kicking a peer. I found myself in a parenting moment where I had to decide: what is the problem that I need to solve?

As parents, there are so many teaching styles to choose from and so many teachable moments that occur. In this case, I could focus on the lie my son told me. I could also elect to focus on the behavior of kicking his friend by giving a lecture about how bad it is to hurt others, but I know he understands this family value. The problem that I needed to solve and the option I decided to focus on was what I want him to do differently next time. Specifically, how he is going to repair a relationship he might have broken.

Later at the end of dinner, I let my son know we needed to have a quick 10 minute talk. Immediately, he looked at me with eyes full of guilt, but I reassured him that he was not in trouble and we simply just needed to talk. He asked if he could play for 5 minutes first before our conversation, so I set a timer. Once the timer went off, I made sure my son was comfortable while having this uncomfortable conversation with me, so I grabbed him a small snack. We spoke about the incident at school and knowing he was not in trouble he gave me more details of what led up to losing his temper and how he let his anger take over.

After asking him how he was feeling now, he responded that he was nervous to see his friend again. To avoid this happening in the future, we discussed how he needs to react when he starts to lose his temper. His idea was to ask his friends to take a break or go get a drink of water. Knowing we had set up a good plan for the future, we both decided that the best thing I could do to help him in the moment was send his plan to his teacher so they could follow up together in the morning. But you may ask, what did he learn from this? He isn’t even in trouble? Where is his consequence? To which I point you back to my parenting focus, “what I want him to do differently next time and how he is going to repair a relationship he might have broken”.

In his conversation with me, he came up with a plan on his own of how he would like to regulate his emotions the next time an incident like this occurs. When a person, regardless of age, makes a plan, they are more likely to follow that plan over one that was given to them. He also decided on his own that he wanted to write an apology note to his friend. In essence, he gave himself a consequence, but more importantly, he took accountability for his actions. He did not need me to force him to apologize; instead, he felt genuine remorse and fixed what he broke. He also learned that his parents are a safe place to talk about his mistakes and problem-solve ways to work through that mistake. This is so important because he is a human being and human beings make mistakes.

The next time a parenting moment emerges for you, take a moment and decide the problem you want to solve with your child. Create a safe space where you and your child can stay emotionally regulated and work through the problem together. I bet you will be pleasantly surprised how much your child is already taking in and working through their mistakes on their own.

Christina can be reached by phone at 630.718.0717, ext. 215 or email christina@fvinstitute.com. For immediate assistance to schedule an appointment, please connect with one of our Client Care Specialists at 630.718.0717, ext. 240.

Safety After Trauma

steve@strategiconlinecorp.com (Steve Bailey) — Thu, 09 Mar 2023 04:31:47 GMT

Have you experienced trauma in your life and now find yourself struggling to feel safe? How do I feel safe in my world again? How do I feel safe in my own skin again? How are the people I love to stay safe from harm? These are a few of the many questions that may come across your mind. Following trauma, safety is undoubtedly important and needed.

Let’s review some steps and ideas to build safety following a trauma….

Stay Grounded:

You may find that you have a difficult time being present, staying in the moment. You may find yourself ‘checking out’ in order to avoid things that remind you of your trauma. Do you ever feel as though you are just spinning or jumping from one thought to the next? The following are some suggestions on how to stay grounded and present:

Use your 5 senses: take some time to identify what you are seeing/smelling/tasting/hearing and feeling in a given moment. Focus on your five senses and all that comes with them and notice your focus change.
Spend a set amount of time in meditation.
Plant your feet firmly into the ground and take time to feel – notice the difference it makes when your feet are literally in the ground.
Go for a walk and be aware of your movements with each step you take.
Plan a day to spend with a friend and ask your friend to be sure you stay engaged.
Change your daily routine a bit.

Remember, safety comes in different forms:

Physical safety says that your body is not in danger. To ensure physical safety, you need to pay attention to your environment, learn signals and remove yourself from situations that do not feel safe. Mental safety says that your thoughts and beliefs will guide you in a safe direction. Increase your self-awareness. What are your thoughts and beliefs telling you about safety? Emotional safety says that you are aware of your feelings and intuition and these will alert you when you are in danger. Lastly, spiritual safety will develop when you learn to trust in your Higher Power and allow those beliefs to guide you toward safe choices.

Assess your Safety:

How safe do you feel: in your home, at work, in your relationships, within yourself?

Create a Safe Place:

Creating a safe place for yourself can be done in many ways; here are some ideas:

Through visualization- in your mind create a place that feels safe to you. This can be a place you have been that feels safe or an imaginary place you create in your mind. Create all the details in your mind: colors, shapes, smells, etc. Allow yourself to go to this place when you are feeling unsafe or distressed, allow this place to ground you.
Through art- draw a picture of your safe place. Don’t worry about artistic ability; it is more important how the picture makes you feel!
Through mindfulness and relaxation- Pursue techniques as modes to feel safe within yourself.

Do not doubt your desire to feel safe. You are right in meeting this need!

Self-Care: A Catalyst for Positive Growth

Thu, 09 Mar 2023 04:26:31 GMT

Self-care: we hear those buzz words often nowadays, but what do they really mean? Bubble baths, pedicures, Netflix binges, and comfort foods? Maybe sometimes, but when it comes to using self-care as a tool for actually experiencing an increased sense of contentment in your life, there’s more to it than that.

Many of us see engaging in self-care activities as a way to escape from the stress of daily life; little “treats” we deserve in order to counteract the parts of life that are difficult, painful, or arduous. Others see those activities as too indulgent, or they simply feel undeserving of the respite. But what if there’s an entirely different perspective?

What if self-care isn’t about escaping your reality through instant gratification, but it’s about creating a life you don’t feel the need to escape from? That self-care isn’t the same as self-indulgence (and it isn’t rooted in judgment), but that it’s a responsible form of self- compassion that can be used to propel you towards your personal goals? Sure, sometimes self-care might look like a long afternoon nap, or a spa day, or a meal of your favorite foods–but it may just as easily look like sitting down to finally tackle your budget so that you can begin to pay off your debts.

Or like making a salad when you’re craving fast food because that choice is aligned with your hope to improve your physical health, or declining a social invitation because you’ve been feeling stressed and need the opportunity for downtime at home. It’s less about trying to band-aid the current feelings of stress with something enjoyable, and more about consistently making choices that add feelings of peace, joy, and contentment to your life. Self-compassion expert and author Dr. Kristin Neff describes it well, “Self-compassion involves turning towards what I’m experiencing with care, whereas self-indulgence involves turning away from what I’m feeling, often in an attempt to try to feel better.”

So the next time you feel your stress levels peaking, take a moment to stop and consider the parts of your life that hold the most meaning and impact–and respond to yourself with kindness, intention, and action.

Lauren Keppel, LCSW

Lauren Keppel can be reached by phone at 630.718.0717 , ext. 239 or email lauren@fvinstitute.com . For immediate assistance to schedule an appointment, please connect with one of our Client Care Specialists at 630.718.0717 , ext. 240.

Overcoming Shyness and Social Anxiety

Tue, 07 Mar 2023 13:41:31 GMT

Ask people what they fear the most and many of them will say, “speaking in public.”

In surveys which ask people about their fears, almost one person in five reports an extreme fear of public speaking. 

Shyness and other forms of social anxiety are common and prevent people from fully experiencing life. Shyness refers to a tendency to withdraw from people, particularly people who are unfamiliar. Everyone has some degree of shyness. In fact, a person without any shyness at all is probably one who does not make good judgments about maintaining appropriate boundaries between people. A bit of shyness is a good thing. But when a high level of shyness prevents a person from engaging in normal social interactions, functioning well at work, or developing intimate relationships, it presents a problem – which, fortunately, can be reduced.

Shyness is one form of the broader term, social anxiety. This concept, also known as social phobia, refers to a unique type of anxiety that people feel when they are around other people. It is associated with concerns about being scrutinized. Shyness and social anxiety are closely related, but social anxiety includes other situations such as speaking in public, taking tests, sports performance and dating. Closely related to the concepts of shyness and social anxiety are embarrassment and shame. Embarrassment is what a person feels when something unexpected happens and draws unwanted attention (such as knocking over a glass of water in a restaurant). This creates a temporary feeling of discomfort. Shame, on the other hand, is more long-lasting. Shame is a feeling that comes from being disappointed in oneself.

Which people are most likely to suffer from social anxiety? Parents recognize that some children are easily frightened from birth on and cry a great deal, while others have a calm by temperament (seldom cry, hardly ever get upset, and are less easily frightened). Some children love to explore the world around them, and others are cautious and don’t tolerate change well. Children who are inhibited are more likely to have a parent with social anxiety disorder. An anxious person is more likely to have a parent or sibling who suffers from depression. Many people with social anxiety disorder report having one or both parents who have a substance abuse problem such as drinking or come from a family in which:

I.) There is substantial conflict between the adults.
2.) Parents are overly critical of the children (where things are never good enough).
3.) There is excessive concern about what other people think.

These children try to avoid the following situations: speaking in class, taking tests, reading aloud, writing on the board, inviting friends over to play, eating in front of others, going to parties, and playing sports. Children and adolescents with social anxiety disorder may grow to develop related problems such as loneliness, depression, and low self-esteem. Although some children will overcome their shyness in time, as interactions with others cause their fears to dissipate, others will experience a worsening of symptoms. If a child shows symptoms by the age of six which have not improved by the age of ten, it is time to seek a professional intervention.

Defeating Social Anxiety- 

There are three stages that people experience in overcoming problems with social anxiety:

I.) Identify the patterns of anxiety
2.) Change the thinking that accompanies anxiety-provoking situations
3.) Change the anxious behavior

Identifying the Patterns of Anxiety-

People often see the distressful symptoms of social anxiety as their enemy, so they try to avoid thinking about it. In order to overcome social anxiety, however, it is necessary to “embrace” the anxiety. That is, sufferers need to identify the features of their anxiety and acknowledge these characteristics as their own. When people fully understand a problem, they are better able to cope with it. Shutting out the problem, on the other hand, keeps it in the dark where it is difficult to work with.

People often become aware of anxiety by identifying their physical reactions, which include a racing heartbeat, flushing, upset stomach, excessive perspiration, dizziness, poor concentration, and shaky hands. It is important to understand whether these physical reactions take place before (anticipatory anxiety), during, or after the anxiety-provoking situation.

Some people cope with anxiety by engaging in avoidance behavior. This happens when the person tries to stay away from situations that arouse anxiety. This is helpful in some circumstances, such as avoiding driving during rush hour. However, when the person starts to avoid business meetings, taking classes, and socializing with friends because of anxiety, the impact on one’s lifestyle can be constricting. A related symptom of anxiety is escape behavior, which involves leaving a situation that arouses anxiety. This can include running out of a class when the time to speak is near, leaving a party shortly after arriving, or exiting the airplane before it departs.

A helpful exercise, after examining one’s physical reactions and other behaviors associated with anxiety, is to set goals which would be achievable if the anxiety were not present. These goals should be specific.

For example, 

1.) Enroll in a music class next month,
2.) Make a date with Bonnie for lunch next Thursday.
3.) Make a presentation at the next business meeting.

Establishing these goals increases one’s awareness of what life could be like if the anxiety were conquered – and it serves as a motivator for coming to terms with anxiety. If the goals are achieved, the stage is set for practicing some behaviors that directly address symptoms of anxiety.

The anxiety sufferer is acutely aware of physical symptoms, much more so than other people are. There are several tactics one can use to influence these symptoms:

Accepting the symptoms – when a person fights against the symptoms, anxiety increases. A better strategy is simply to accept the symptoms. Don’t fight them. Just let them pass.

Changing one’s focus – Shift your attention to the external environment rather than focusing on the symptoms.

Masking the symptoms - This provides a temporary way of getting through an anxiety-provoking situation until the symptoms come under better control. For example, wear a sweater to hide underarm perspiration.

Learning relaxation techniques – A therapist can provide several ways to get one’s body to relax, including deep muscle relaxation and deep breathing. Practicing these techniques every day, and not just prior to an anxiety situation, is a powerful way to regulate symptoms that now seem out of control.

Changing Thoughts That Accompany Anxiety –

Those who suffer from social anxiety engage in excessive self-focus. Their thoughts focus internally on themselves rather than on the external world around them – and this only serves to increase anxiety levels. Furthermore, excessive focus on the internal symptoms means that one loses important information about what is going on externally, and it may give others the impression that the anxiety sufferer is trying to be distant from them.

The following process provides a way to modify excessive self-focus and replace it with a healthier, other-directed approach

When feeling anxious, remind yourself to focus on others.

Think about the other person, what this person is trying to say, how the other person feels, etc.

If your attention moves back to your anxiety, try not to feel that you are failing. Just let it pass and refocus on the other person.

Try to avoid planning your responses to the other person. Allow yourself to have some spontaneous reactions to others.

Try not to engage in mind-reading - that is, trying to figure out what other people are thinking about you. They are probably much more interested in themselves.

Socially anxious people also engage in negative thinking, especially about themselves. They emphasize their weaknesses and minimize their strengths. Virtually, any negative thought can be changed into a positive. For example, “I am a failure because of my anxiety” can be changed into, “I am facing a life challenge to show how strong l can be as I overcome my anxiety.”

The first step in overcoming negative thoughts is to be aware of them. It helps to have a trusted friend or therapist give you feedback about negative thinking patterns. Then ask yourself how realistic the negative thought might be. For example, “If my hands shake during my presentation, everybody is going to laugh at me.” Have you ever been in an audience where everybody laughed at a person whose hands were shaking? Not likely. In fact, people tend to support a person having a hard time – and they may be drawn to your vulnerable and very human nature. Now ask yourself, what evidence do you have for your negative thought? Can the situation be looked at in a different way?

Change the Anxious Behavior –

The single most important strategy for overcoming social anxiety is to face your fear. Get back on the horse again. Take the car out for a drive once more. Go swimming again. Get back on an airplane. Give another speech before an audience. Go to another dinner party. Ask somebody else to go out on a date. Managing your physical symptoms and changing your thinking do little good unless you come to terms with your fears by getting back into anxiety-provoking situations. Doing this takes courage. Avoiding it perpetuates the problem.

When you put yourself back into an anxious situation, realize that there are coping mechanisms that you may not have learned before. You know that you can change your negative thinking and you can manage your physical symptoms. Facing the anxious situations can be done gently, one step at a time.

Develop some practice assignments that directly challenge your fears. Make sure they are relevant to the anxiety. Make the assignments increasingly more difficult. And make sure that you can repeat them for practice. For example, if you fear public speaking, start out with making conversation with one person. Then move on to talking to a group of two or three people. Then talk to five people in an informal group. Move on to asking a question in a formal business meeting. Then talk at more length in the business meeting. And finally, after you have repeated all these steps several times, find a way to speak in public to a large group. It takes courage each step of the way.

The Resilient Personality – Bouncing Back From Hardship

Tue, 07 Mar 2023 11:08:19 GMT

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

All of us experience major disruptions at certain points in our lives. In fact, this is an expected and predictable hallmark of the human condition. For some, these hard times come frequently – the impact of the trauma is overwhelming and recovery, if it comes at all, can be painfully slow. Others show resilience and are able to glide through these times fairly easily, bouncing back to a normal life again quickly. Resilience – the strength required to adapt to change – lies at the heart of mental and emotional health.

Research studies in recent years have focused on the struggles faced by those who have been emotionally, sexually, and physically abused as children, as well as those who have grown up with learning disabilities and attention deficit disorders. They share in common many of the characteristics of those who have endured traumas later in life, such as war, the loss of a loved one, natural disasters, financial catastrophes, or a major illness. What has been most interesting in these studies is the finding that some traumatized people – both those with childhood abuse and other challenges, as well as those who experienced life disruptions in adulthood – suffer virtually no ill effects from the trauma. In fact, in many cases, they seem to have grown stronger and led more integrated lives. This unexpected finding has guided researchers to explore the nature of resilience.

The normal life cycle contains predictable periods of life disruption. For example, when we move from childhood to adolescence, everything we had previously known about the world goes through a jarring transformation. During this period of life disorganization, our bodies go through tremendous hormonal and developmental changes, our definitions of other people change, our motives and interests change, we learn how to define ourselves as individuals with autonomy, and we expand our range of social relationships. Similar stages of disruption occur when the adolescent moves into young adulthood, and then into a permanent relationship, possible parenting, middle age, and then retirement and aging. These periods of transformation can induce potent emotional reactions such as depression, anxiety, loneliness, and anger. Those who lack resilience find these changes to be a struggle. Others welcome the changes and move through the transformations easily and naturally.

Other periods of disruption can be caused by unexpected events that turn life upside down. An automobile accident, an illness, the death of a loved one, divorce, national tragedies, acts of terrorism, war, natural disasters such as floods or hurricanes, the loss of employment, and financial upheavals can challenge our ability to cope. Any of these can become “make or break” situations, depending on the degree to which resilience comes into play.

We all have the capacity to reorganize our lives after a disruption and to achieve new levels of order and meaningfulness if we know how to activate our resilience. In fact, in order to mature through the process of meaningful change and reintegration, we may need to experience life disruptions. In other words, life disruptions are not necessarily a bad thing because they help us to grow and to meet future challenges in our lives. During the depths of chaos, we are vulnerable because we do not know what lies ahead – but as we learn and adapt during the chaos, we prepare ourselves to meet further stresses in the future. The failure to pass successfully through any cycle of chaos and stress may leave us crippled with regard to future life disruptions.

All of us can learn methods to become more resilient. Sometimes, however, our lack of closure on previous life experiences blocks us from adapting to new periods of stress as they come along. A woman abused emotionally by her father in childhood, for example, may have great difficulty in accepting his death if she still carries unresolved conflicts surrounding the early abuse. By working with a professional psychotherapist or counselor, she may be able to achieve some closure on the abuse from her childhood and this would open the way for her to accept his death more readily – that is, with resilience. Similarly, a man who was exposed to physical violence in childhood may find it difficult, because of his unresolved issues with anger and victimization, to accept a national trauma such as a terrorist act. He may continue to dwell on issues of anger and injustice for months after the event, to the detriment of his job and family life. Again, working with a trained professional can be the route for this person to gain closure on his unresolved issues and to work toward a more integrated approach regarding acts of violence in the future.

Developing resilience depends on many factors in addition to achieving closure on previous life experiences. Those who are resilient have many of the following characteristics –

A Sense of Hope and Trust in the World

Those who are resilient seem to believe in the basic goodness of the world and trust that things will turn out all right in the end. This positive attitude allows them to weather times when everything seems bleak and to look for and accept the support that is out there. This approach toward the world gives them the ability to hope for a better future.

The Ability to Tolerate Pain and Distressing Emotions

Some people can deal with pain better than others, and this may have a biological component. For example, some can deal with the dentist without any difficulty, while others dread having a tooth drilled. The same holds true with emotional pain. Some people can tolerate anxiety and others become incapacitated in the face of stress. It is encouraging to know that, with the help of a professional therapist and some practice, one can learn to deal better with emotional pain. Biology is not necessarily destiny.

Interpreting Experiences in a New Light

Sometimes we look at situations in a way that keeps us stuck in a negative thinking pattern. Those who are resilient have the ability to look at the situation in a new way (this is called “reframing”) that can minimize the impact of the trauma in their thought process. One benefit of working with a therapist during a life disruption is that new and more objective definitions of the traumatic situation can be developed and this opens the way to handle the crisis more successfully. Resilient people take a creative approach toward solving a problem, reinterpreting old definitions in new ways.

A Meaningful System of Support

One of the best ways to endure a crisis is to have the support of another person who can listen and validate our feelings. Knowing that others care and will come to our support lessens the feeling of isolation, especially when tackling the problem alone. It is important to be selective in choosing people to trust, and no one person can be expected to be the perfect means of support. Often it takes several friends, each of whom can provide different kinds of support. Resilient people are proficient in making friends and keeping them.They have the judgment to know who their friends should be – as well as the ability to give and take in their interactions with others.

A Sense of Mastery and Control Over One’s Destiny

Resilient people seem to have a feeling of independence and a sense of their own life in perspective. They do not feel that they are at the mercy of forces that aim to crush them. When they see a problem, they tackle it – because ultimately they know that their survival and the integrity of their life values depend on it. They have a sense of personal responsibility and the self-discipline it takes to accomplish their goals. While they have a sense of their own independence, they also have the freedom to depend on others, setting appropriate limits on their dependency.

A Good Self-Image and Self-Respect

People who show resilience generally have been treated with appreciation, care, and love from early childhood on. They have learned to see themselves in a positive light and to see themselves as people who deserve to be treated with respect by others. When a life disruption creates a challenge to their self-image, they are able to restore their feelings of self- esteem quickly. Without a positive sense of self, some people find themselves stuck in a crisis, often secretly feeling that they deserve the negative experience which has transpired in their lives. Fortunately, positive self-esteem can be reinforced in therapy.

Self-Reflection and Insight

Resilient people have a capacity for learning. They are able to talk about their lives, their experiences, their thoughts, and feelings. They can provide a coherent autobiographical account of who they are. They have the ability to develop an objective explanation of their strengths and weaknesses. One of the goals of therapy with a trained professional is to provide the person with the ability to reflect on their lives and, from this self-reflection, to develop insight into their current life circumstances. Rather than feeling defensive about their life circumstances, they are open to new ideas and are flexible enough to try new tactics for dealing with problems. Resilient people are able to learn from their mistakes, and they do not punish themselves because they have made them.

A Wide Range of Interests and a Sense of Humor

People who show resilience in the face of adversity are those who have a diversity of interests in their lives. They are open to new experiences and ideas. Because their lives are rich, they can draw on a variety of experiences when their lives are disrupted – a hobby, a different group of friends, a talent. They can find relief from the singlemindedness and worry which often accompanies a period of crisis. Finally, they can laugh. Humor has both psychological and physical benefits in relieving the stress of trauma because it encourages a swift change in our perception of our circumstances – and when our thoughts change, our mood follows.

Dealing With Emotional Pain

When a person undergoes a life disruption, it may not advisable to take medication that will alleviate the pain immediately. When pain is alleviated with medication, the person’s motivation to make changes is reduced. And there is a great deal to learn from the process of managing emotional pain. (Of course, there are times when medication becomes necessary, especially with the suicidal thinking that may accompany major depression. Many other life crises can be endured better with the use of medication. This is a medical decision.) When you undergo a major life crisis, you need time to gain insight into what has gone wrong and achieve integration again. Emotional pain, while unpleasant, serves its purpose, just as physical pain does in alerting us to something that is going wrong in our bodies. It prompts us to take action.

Similarly, drugs and alcohol may help to alleviate emotional pain – but then the opportunity to learn our life lessons vanishes. Reinforcing pain chemically may allow old patterns of behavior to continue – in which case, paradoxically, the pain you are trying to escape will persist into the future. Pain spurs us to learn new ways of coping.There are tactics that people in crisis can use to get through the crushing periods of pain that accompany a life disruption. These methods do not end the pain, which has value, but they allow us some relief for a time.

First is a diversion. Sometimes we need to remove our- selves physically or mentally from our emotional pain for a while. We can take a weekend trip, read a book, watch an engrossing movie, talk to a friend, take a walk or get some other physical exercise. Diversion allows us time to heal and it may give us sufficient distance from a problem that we can come back to it again and perhaps see it in a new light.

The second tactic for dealing with emotional pain is to stay in control over those aspects of your life that you still have some ability to control. A major life disruption can leave you with the feeling that you have no control over events. However, you can use self- discipline to clean your residence, bathe, feed the dog, water your plants, and pay your bills. Stay in control of those things that you can control, and let those things which are uncontrollable run their course.

Finally, find someone who can show you empathy. There is no better way to relieve emotional pain than to talk to a trusted friend or therapist who can say with conviction, “Yes, I understand – and I care.”

Distorted Thoughts … Getting Back to Reality

Mon, 06 Mar 2023 14:01:53 GMT

One of the best tools we have for living a healthy life is our ability to think. Our world is composed of a large number of events that happen constantly. Some are positive and some are negative, and most are neutral. We interpret these events as they happen with a series of thoughts that flow continually through our minds. This process is called our internal dialogue. We constantly think about present and past events, and sometimes about things that will happen in the future. And here’s the important point – these thoughts need to be accurate. We need good reality testing in order to live effectively.

Our moods or feelings are created by the thoughts we have, and not by the actual events themselves. We need to think about events and attach a meaning to them before we experience an emotional response. People have different ways of interpreting the same event. Let’s say that our friend, Rhonda, has decided to move to a different part of the country. Some people will congratulate her for making a move that could bring her the happiness she has sought for a long time. Other people might condemn her for running away from the life she has here. Some will call her healthy. Some will call her greedy. Some will call her heartless. How we think about Rhonda will reflect our core beliefs about the world.

We define Rhonda’s actions in terms of how we personally interpret the world – and these interpretations reflect the basic assumptions we have about how the world works. Her move in itself signifies nothing until we think about it and place an interpretation or meaning on it. If we see it as a healthy move on her part, we can have a happy response. If we see her as being selfish, we might have an angry or depressed response to her move. Once we give meaning to an event, we can experience an emotional response to it. In other words, our thoughts can influence how we feel.

If the meaning we give to events is usually negative, we might constantly find ourselves feeling depressed. If the meaning is usually positive, we may find ourselves feeling good much of the time. If we give threatening meanings to events in the world, we might find ourselves living with a lot of anger. If we see the world as a stressful place, we might experience anxiety as a result. Sometimes we give meaning to our own actions that are negative (that is, we judge ourselves in a negative light). This might arise from a negative self-image and our mood will reflect this core belief in a variety of negative ways.

Our emotional health depends on making good, reality-oriented judgments about what goes on in the world around us.

Our emotional health depends on our ability to make good, reality-oriented judgments about what is going on in the world around us. Sometimes events are positive. We need to interpret them in precisely this way and have an appropriate emotional response to the situation (that is, happiness). At other times, events are negative and we ought to be able to give proper meaning to these events so that we can take correct action to deal with the problem in a reality-based way.

Most of us distort our thoughts to some degree. We all have unique lives, with different experiences, different parents, different friends, different problems to work through – so that throughout the course of our lives we have learned our own ways of interpreting the world. Our interpretations are not always based in reality and are often colored by our unique needs. We develop our own core beliefs about how the world operates, and, when various situations present themselves, these beliefs lead us to automatic thoughts (these are well-learned ways of thinking about situations that are instantaneous and reflect our underlying beliefs about the world). Sometimes these automatic thoughts are distorted. It is important to examine our cognitive distortions so that we make the right decisions in life and increase our chance of experiencing a good mood. Working with a trained therapist in examining these distortions is an especially effective way of dealing with depression.

David D. Burns, in his classic book, Feeling Good , has identified several common cognitive distortions.

All-or-Nothing Thinking

This is when we see things in black and white categories. Events are either right or wrong, with no shades of gray in between. This cognitive distortion is the basis of perfectionism – either you do a perfect job on something or you’ve failed. Unfortunately, this sets us up for feeling like a failure and increases our chances of feeling depressed. In the natural world few things are perfect. If you try to impose all-or-nothing categories on the world, you are not conforming to reality and you’ll always feel as if you are coming up short.

Example: “Because I didn’t marry my high school sweetheart, I am now lost for all time and I’ll never find happiness in love.”

Overgeneralization

This is when you see a single negative event as part of a never-ending streak of failure. Although the normal setbacks we all have in life can be disturbing when they happen, they are usually explained through different circumstances. To fail to examine these different situations, and generalize them all as having a single cause, is again a way of setting ourselves up for failure. The more effective option is to look closely at the particular reasons for an upsetting event and then to take action to correct the situation.

Example: “Here we go again. I’ve now lost three jobs in ten years. I’m just not meant to have a job.”

Mental Filter

Mental filtering or “selective abstraction” occurs when a person picks out one negative detail in a situation and dwells on it exclusively. You ignore all of the positive events that have happened and this one negative definition comes to color your interpretation of an entire situation. When people are depressed, they see the world through a negative filter – that is, they filter out the good things that have happened and see only the negative.

Example: “My best friend didn’t return my phone call today – the world is filled with insensitivity and I can no longer call her my best friend.”

Disqualifying the Positive

This is an extreme example of turning positive events into negative ones. When positive things happen, the person says that they “don’t count,” and finds a way to turn them into something negative. This cognitive distortion can be a way to express a negative self-image. This is a way of blocking out the richness that your life experience can bring.

Example: “I know my therapist complimented me on being a caring person, but that doesn’t count. She’s just doing her job, and she doesn’t really know that I’m a horrible person on the inside.”

Jumping to Conclusions

You make a negative interpretation of an event, even though there is no real evidence to support this conclusion. There are two variations of jumping to conclusions –

Fortune Telling – This is where you anticipate that things will turn out badly and act as if they have already turned out that way. Your actions then become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Example: “I know my speech tomorrow is going to be a disaster. I’m not even getting out of bed in the morning.”

Mind Reading – Without checking it out by talking to the person or seeking other evidence, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is acting negatively toward you.

Example: “Tom didn’t act as if he even saw me on the street today, so I’m going to assume that our friendship is over.” (In truth, Tom didn’t see you on the street today. Sometimes it happens.)

Magnification and Minimization

Magnification or “catastrophizing” happens when you blow a negative event out of proportion. Minimization is the opposite process, where you look at your strengths and then trivialize them. Both of these processes take us out of touch with the reality of a situation and interfere with good decision making.

Example: “The doctor’s office didn’t call me with my lab results. I just know the doctor needs to talk to me about something very serious and she’s waiting to see me in person.”

Example: “I know I got a standing ovation tonight for spending two weeks organizing the banquet, but, really, it was nothing. Anyone could have done it.”

Emotional Reasoning

This happens when you let your emotions guide you as if they reflect the reality of a situation. When people feel depressed, they use their feelings (which are often negative) as their guide rather than doing a good reality check. It is more helpful to check the reality of your perceptions even if your intense emotions make things seem real.

Example: “I feel overwhelmed, so my problems are impossible to solve.”

Should Statements

This also includes “must” and “ought” statements. We motivate ourselves by talking about things that we “should” do – but the consequence is that we end up feeling pressured, guilty, and resentful. Paradoxically, we then feel unmotivated and apathetic when we don’t live up to our unrealistic expectations. When we apply these statements to other people, we conclude that other people aren’t living up to our expectations of them, and this leads to our losing respect for them.

Example: “You should go and apologize to your friend.” (Even if the timing is wrong.)

Labeling

Our lives are complex and constantly changing. The definitions we place on ourselves in one situation might not be appropriate for a different situation. When we label ourselves or other people, we apply a simplistic and unfair definition that is probably wrong, or more likely, incomplete. We fail to appreciate the full complexity of life when we apply simplistic labels.

Example: “I can’t really become Mary’s friend. She’s clumsy and crude.”

Personalization

You see yourself as the cause of negative events that you are not responsible for. When something bad happens, you assume that it is your fault. This cognitive distortion leads to a feeling of personal guilt.

Example: “She went into the hospital because I didn’t call her that day.”

A Cognitive Distortion Quiz

All of us, from time to time, make cognitive distortions. We use faulty thinking when we interpret the events that happen in our lives. If we are able to catch ourselves, however, our chances of experiencing depression, anger, guilt, and anxiety decrease, and we are more likely to make good decisions about our lives. With that in mind, take the short quiz below. It’s good practice for recognizing distorted thoughts –

Identify how each of the statements below reflect distortions of realistic thinking. (Shades of gray – some of these examples reflect more than one cognitive distortion, so there are no absolutely right answers.)

1. I feel angry at you. Therefore, you must have done something bad to me.

2. I can’t work for this supervisor. She’s a micro-manager and a control freak.

3. I didn’t get the promotion that I deserved and that just goes to prove that I’m a total loser.

4. She didn’t have eye contact with me when we met, so I know she’s racist.

5. I got a note from my son’s teacher today about his reading. I must be a terrible mother.

6. All of my friends must be open-minded and intellectually curious, or else I’m not going to bother with them.

7. I know she thanked me for driving her to the airport, but she just did that because she felt she had to.

8. She’s moving to the West Coast because I didn’t spend enough time with her.

9. OH NO! I made a mistake. My life is absolutely ruined. I’ll never be able to face the world again.

10. I know she complimented me on my new outfit, but she was just being nice.

11. She broke up with me last night. Now I’ll never meet anybody else.

The Healthy Pursuit of Pleasure

Mon, 06 Mar 2023 12:19:01 GMT

Engaging in Simple, Healthy Pleasures Can Restore Balance to our Hectic Lives

Pleasure guides us to better health. When experiences are enjoyable, we want more of them. Our bodies tell us that sleep, reproduction, eating, companionship, and exercise — to name just a few of our more common daily activities — are enjoyable. Our survival depends on engaging in these activities. The brain has several pleasure centers which are activated by chemicals which speed satisfying sensations from one nerve to the next. Children the world over, when they are left alone to do what they choose, engage in endless hours of play. They pursue fun. Childhood may be the time in life when our brains are trained to experience pleasure. If we accomplish this task well as children, we may have healthier lives as adults — as long as we don’t lose the ability to play that we acquired in childhood.

Think about what children do when they play. They lose themselves in the pleasure of the moment. We have all observed children at play. They glow with pleasure — they shout, smile, and move their bodies. Engrossed in their world of play, they are aware of neither the past nor the future. There is only the moment. As adults, we also need this ability to shift our awareness from rational and logical concerns to a level which is freer and centered on the moment. People who can shift appropriately between the “there and then” to the “here and now” are good at reality testing and adapting to the demands of the world. They can draw on both their thought processes and their ability to take effective action. What would happen if these behaviors were not pleasurable? Eating would disappear and sleep would vanish. We could no longer survive.

Balance is the key to understanding the role of having fun vs. meeting real-world obligations in our lives. We can’t really appreciate fun without the counterbalance of work and the responsibilities of living. And we can’t truly value our work until we incorporate fun into our lives. For example, we may appreciate eating ice cream as a real source of pleasure, but what if our diets consisted of nothing but ice cream? We would quickly tire of this source of pleasure and may even come to see it as noxious. Or to take another example, a vacation is pleasurable, but only if we have a job to go back to at the end of the vacation. A permanent vacation quickly loses its appeal as a source of pleasure, which is one reason why retirement is difficult for many people. The healthy life consists of a good balance between fun and everyday responsibilities.

Unfortunately, we live in an era when fewer of us seem to have time for fun. The work ethic reigns supreme for most of us. We put in overtime on the job, often without compensation, and two-income families have become the norm. What little time we have for ourselves is devoted to the chores of daily living. Our ancestors in the past lacked our labor-saving tools and technological advances, but they had more leisure time. It has been estimated that hunters/gatherers and those who practiced simple agriculture could provide for all of their necessities of living by working only four hours per day. The rest of their time was spent napping, chatting, relaxing, entertaining, and playing. For us today, leisure is a luxury. We seldom have time for ourselves or other people. While we may be more efficient, productive and organized today, we are less joyful, spontaneous and connected to other people.

Medical opinions these days have done a great deal to destroy our sense of fun. We know that we are supposed to exercise, so we join a gym or walk half an hour a day — but there may be no fun in it. It can become just another chore added to our already busy schedules. We deprive ourselves of the pleasures of eating — no salt, few fats, no sweets, fewer carbohydrates — when in truth we can enjoy many of these foods in moderation with no ill effects. The latest health prescriptions are often premature alarms which are not based on solid scientific thinking. Many of the studies are current for the moment, but the recommendations are later reversed by other evidence. For example, it is known that people who are not at risk for hypertension or heart disease can safely enjoy a reasonable amount of salt on their food. And some types of cholesterol are good for us, as well as some types of fat (like fish oil). What we seem to forget is that incorporating pleasure into our lives is as healthy as most of the scientific recommendations based on depriving us of pleasure.

Adulthood is seen by many as that time in life when pleasure should be reduced. After all,we have responsibilities — to the world, to our work, to our families. What we forget is that fun brings balance into our lives. We can work better when we can take a break and have a good time. And we can enjoy pleasurable activities better when they are special and outside of the ordinary routine of everyday life. Therapy is one way to examine why we may have lost our ability to play and how we can regain those special skills that we may have spent so many years developing during childhood. To achieve a healthy balance between work and play is to affirm the wholeness of life.

Some Healthy Pleasures

Healthy pleasures have two characteristics:

1.) Balance. Pleasures lose their meaning if they are not counterbalanced by attending to life’s other responsibilities. Fun can happen when one takes a break from the normal routine. For example, eating delicious food, even “unhealthy” food, can be a healthy pleasure if it is done in moderation and on occasion. To base one’s entire diet on rich and calorie-laden foods, however, suggests possible addictive tendencies — and addictive behaviors fall outside of the realm of healthy pleasures. Addictions are self-destructive, while the aim of engaging in healthy pleasures is to enhance the diversity and enjoyment of life’s experiences.

2.) The Experience of the Moment. People who worry a lot, who are depressed, or who have difficulty with trust may find it hard to abandon themselves to pleasure. They may need to develop the ability to let go of worry and outside concerns in favor of immersing themselves in the moment. This is a skill that can be learned.

Here are some suggestions for engaging in healthy pleasures, although this list is by no means complete. All of these sources of pleasure have been shown to result in benefits to our health.

Indulge in chocolate or a scrumptious meal from time to time.

Did you know that moderate consumers of alcohol (one or two drinks per day) live longer and have healthier hearts than heavy drinkers (which is not surprising) and total abstainers (which is perhaps a surprise)?

Go on a shopping spree on occasion (as long as you can afford it and don’t fall into compulsive shopping).

Take a day off from work just to indulge yourself in whatever you want to do.

Laugh whenever you can and surround yourself with people who like to laugh.

When you need a good cry, indulge in one — this is one of life’s greatest pleasures.

Take a sauna or a steam bath (if your blood pressure is fairly normal).

Go out into nature and spend some time alone. Treat yourself to a view of water, mountains or natural vegetation.

Spend an hour listening to your favorite kind of music — with no other distractions.

Expose yourself to different smells and notice how they affect your mood.

Give a close friend or your partner a massage, and then take your turn. Foot massages are wonderful.

Take a half-hour walk outside — breathe fully, move your body vigorously and think about little else.

Have you ever danced alone in your living room when nobody else is around?

Gardening is one of life’s greatest pleasures — immerse yourself in growth and beauty.

Spend a couple of hour’s playing cards or board games with a close friend.

On a stressed out day, take a half hour nap.

Buy or pick a bouquet of flowers and put them in a prominent place in your living area.

Learn a craft — pottery, painting, furniture refinishing, sculpture, holiday gifts, etc.

Learn from the masters — children and pets. Play with a child or an animal…at their level, not yours.

Go to a movie, a play, a concert or the opera.

Do some volunteer work in the community.

Access Your Pleasure Centers

You can tap into the pleasure centers of your brain through your imagination…and this can be done without any external aids like alcohol or drugs. This simple exercise can be done by anybody and at any time of the day. If you have difficulty with this exercise, a therapy consultation can help you learn how to do it appropriately and at your own pace.

Find a quiet spot with no distractions. Close your eyes and breathe slowly ten times. With every breath, imagine your body becoming more and more relaxed. Imagine that every inhalation bathes you in relaxation and every exhalation releases the tension you have stored up in your body. After ten breaths imagine yourself in a beautiful, tranquil and pleasurable place, probably a place you have actually been to before. Focus only on the experience of this place. If other thoughts intrude, just let them go. Be totally in this place for the moment. Now tell yourself that you are feeling pleasure. Become aware of the warm and vibrant feeling that accompanies pleasure. Increase the intensity of this feeling and then let it come down again. When you have spent a few minutes in this imaginary place, open your eyes and resume your normal business of the day. You may notice that you have a smile on your face — and that others do too.

Learning to Bring Pleasure Into Your Life —An Exercise

Many of us set aside little time in our lives for pleasure. We use the excuse that we simply don’t have the time to have a good time. In fact, we take more than just a touch of pride in letting others know how busy we are — this is a way of telling people that we are productive and vital. Unfortunately, a life which is always busy is also a stressed out life.

This exercise consists of two parts. First, make a list of all of your activities in a typical day and note how much time you spend on each activity. This allows you to see how you spend your days. What you learn may come as a surprise. Now go through the list and find a way to cut half an hour per day out of your normal routine.

Second, spend half an hour per day in an activity which brings you pleasure. There are a couple of rules to follow in coming up with ways to have fun.

1.) Be sure that you do this pleasure exercise alone. The idea is not to depend on someone else for your pleasure, but to rediscover your own sense of play. Look within yourself and find those activities which nurture your own inner nature.

2.) And make sure that the activities you choose are different every day. This is an exercise in self-discovery, and you might find that there are ways to have fun that you have never considered before. The idea is to lighten up, relax, lose yourself in pleasure and activate the pleasure centers in your brain. This is the perfect antidote to the routinized and stressful existence that many of us live these days.

So, go ahead. Enjoy a banana split. Try on a cashmere sweater. Take a walk. Look at a view. Play the drums along with music. Read a short story. Sketch a self-portrait. Take a bubble bath.

Be creative in the ways you find pleasure. Try to find ways of having fun that are close to home. You don’t necessarily want to have to drive somewhere or take out too much time from your daily routine to do this (or else it just becomes another task and may serve to increase stress!). And as you engage in the activity, tell yourself that this is pleasurable. Allow yourself to feel self-nurtured, free and lost in the moment. Let yourself feel like a child again.

Sometimes It Takes More Than Love

Mon, 06 Mar 2023 11:56:42 GMT

When we make a commitment to our partner, our usual expectation is that our relationship will last for life and that our love will see us through the inevitable hard times. Yet, when reality sinks in, we have to acknowledge that while love is one of the components of a relationship’s longevity, it really takes more to make it through the long haul. It takes community and family support (which isn’t as available as it once was in our society) – and it takes skill. Many of us have failed to learn how to negotiate our way through relationship difficulties to build a lasting connection.

Psychologists have carried out substantial research over the past several decades trying to understand the secrets of why some couples are able to stay together and others are not. For instance, John Gottman, Ph.D., at the University of Washington, has studied over 2,000 couples, and he has had remarkable success in predicting which couples will make it and which will not. Contrary to popular wisdom, one of his findings is that increased sex does not necessarily improve a relationship. He also found that financial problems do not always imply trouble for a couple.

One of Gottman’s major findings is that couples who fight are not necessarily on the road to a breakup. In fact, he makes the point that arguments may be constructive in building a long-term relationship because they help us to clarify our needs and increase mutual respect between partners. But whether the arguments will lead to a breakup or not depends on how the couple resolves its conflicts. There are positive ways to resolve conflicts that may strengthen the relationship.

Arguments don’t necessarily mean your relationship is in trouble – and they might be an essential component of a long-lasting relationship.

One finding to emerge from the research is that couples are likely to succeed if they have a healthy balance between positive and negative emotions and interactions. In fact, strong relationships have a five to one ratio – five parts positive interaction to one part negative. Couples who break up, on the other hand, tend to have more negative than positive interactions.

Positive Behaviors in a Relationship

What are these positive interactions? They are found in

Showing interest in what your partner is saying,
E xpressing affection to your partner both verbally (“I love you”) and nonverbally (holding hands, doing kind little things),
Showing you care – perhaps by making a phone call during the day or bringing home flowers,
Showing appreciation by remembering the good times in your relationship or telling your partner how proud you are of him or her,
Indicating your concern – instead of acting defensive, show that you are concerned about your partner’s troubling experiences or apologize if you say something hurtful without thinking,
Conveying empathy in your facial expression and verbal feedback – show that you truly care about what your partner is going through,
Displaying acceptance of your partner’s thoughts and feelings – this shows your respect for your partner,
Joking around , which includes playful teasing, laughing together, and maybe acting silly together, and
Sharing your joy when good things happen.

The Negative Cascade

A relationship in trouble is one that falls into a negative cascade. One negative reaction leads to the next until there is a seemingly insurmountable wall between the two partners. Relationships that enter this destructive phase need attention and can benefit from the trustworthy, confidential intervention of a professional therapist. Sometimes the two partners fail to notice when they have entered this cycle because they feel justified in reacting as they do – but the price they pay is the slow erosion of their relationship. It may seem impossible for them to recapture the love that brought them together in the first place.

Here are the phases of the negative cascade –

Criticism

Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, not just his or her behavior. There is usually an element of blame in the attack. Criticizing your partner leads to defensiveness and may encourage your partner to withdraw from you – after all, if your partner feels blamed because of a personality flaw, it would be a difficult thing to repair. A complaint , on the other hand, especially if it is stated as an “I-statement,” is an expression of your feeling that allows your partner to correct the situation. Stating a complaint, though it may not be pleasant, can enhance the relationship because it gets problematic behavior out in the open where it can be talked about. Complaints often begin with the word, “I,” and criticisms might begin with the word, “you.”

To repair this pattern, try stating your criticisms as complaints that your partner can respond to and not take as a personal attack. Make your complaints specific and talk about them as a behavior that can be changed. Take responsibility for your own part in the problem.

Criticisms vs. Complaints

Criticism – “You’re a workaholic! You don’t care about me!”

Complaint – “I feel unloved when I have to be alone so much when you work late at night.”

Criticism – “The world revolves around you – you need to have the last word, always.”

Complaint – “I get upset when you interrupt me.”

Contempt

If the criticisms within a relationship are not addressed, the interaction between the two partners may lead to contempt. This stage of the negative cascade is seen when there is an attempt to insult your partner, as in, “You’re just a pig around the house and I don’t know how I could ever have loved you.” Contemptuous remarks go right to the heart of your partner’s sense of self. They are meant to hurt. There are several forms of contempt, such as name-calling, insulting jokes about your partner, mockery, and body language (such as sneering, eye rolling, or curling your upper lip). If a relationship gets to this stage, it is difficult to recapture the love and it may be vulnerable to a breakup.

To make this situation better, both partners need to identify the contempt and to replace it intentionally with words of admiration and respect. They need to work on trying to achieve the ratio of five positives to one negative.

Defensiveness

When a person is bombarded with criticism and indications of contempt, it is natural to feel like a victim – and victims go into a defensive posture (“I haven’t done anything wrong, so stop picking on me”). Defensiveness is an attempt to protect oneself and to guard against further attacks. The victim feels justified in doing this. However, what is not often understood is that defensiveness tends to escalate a conflict rather than quelling it. The partner who does the blaming feels that the other one doesn’t “get it” and is resistant to addressing the problem. This can result in a standoff where constructive communication comes to a halt. Rather than trying to mutually solve the problems in the relationship, the two partners spend their energy defending themselves. Nothing is resolved, the conflict escalates, and the negative cascade continues to damage the relationship.

The way to address the defensiveness phase of the cascade is to learn how to stay calm. When anxiety is reduced, it is possible to ward off criticism, put it into perspective, and avoid reacting defensively. It is helpful to learn how to react to the overall situation rather than to only the words that are spoken in moments of conflict. Staying calm protects us against the possibility of feeling overwhelmed during heated moments.

Stonewalling

In the final phase of the negative cascade, the couple finally breaks off normal contact. Gottman found that 85 percent of stonewallers are men. This phase characterizes a stage in the damaged relationship where one of the partners decides that no communication is better than the destructive feelings and words that have prevailed prior to this point. Withdrawing from interaction sends a powerful negative message – and the stonewaller may feel that this is the only option left. It is important to note that a common fighting technique between partners is for one to use the “silent treatment” – but this is not the same as stonewalling. The silent treatment is used on occasion while stonewalling is a habitual reaction for the couple and is preceded by the first three phases of the negative cascade. Relationships that get to this point are still salvageable, but they are fragile. At this stage, the couple must want to work hard to save the relationship.

In order to address the problem of stonewalling, the couple should address issues like learning to stay calm, speaking nondefensively, and becoming aware of the thoughts that maintain their distress. A therapist can help a couple learn all of these skills.

Making Positive Relationship Changes

There is still hope for couples who find themselves in destructive patterns, but they must learn new skills. Consulting with a trained therapist is generally the most effective way to do this.

One skill to learn is how to avoid flooding , which is a feeling of being overwhelmed by your partner’s negativity and your own reactions. In flooding, you feel that you have reached your limit and can take no more. A person who experiences flooding feels hostile, withdrawn, and defensive. This person feels the need to calm down and may feel like running away from the situation just to get some relief. A therapist can teach the partners how to stay calm in these situations and to use positive thinking techniques. Both partners also need to redefine the attacks on them as simply the way the other person is trying to make a point.

Arguments are not necessarily a sign that the relationship is in trouble. In fact, conflict is a way to clarify our expectations about our role – and our partner’s role – within the relationship. This clarification allows both partners to feel comfortable and secure. The couple needs to know that they can trust each other. Mutual respect can emerge out of productive arguments. Making conflicts constructive is a skill that can lead to a lifetime of love, intimacy, and the experience of knowing that you are cherished by an important person in your world.

Social Support and Friendship

Mon, 06 Mar 2023 10:40:14 GMT

Good Friendships Depend Less on Who They Are Than On How They Make Us Feel

eat alone, and live alone more than we did in past years. Our public presentation may reflect less about who we are on the inside than on our ability to conform to the latest look that we pick up from the all-pervasive media. We go to the gym and work out alone to the beats stored on our devices. We go for coffee and immerse ourselves in our laptops. And we don’t talk to strangers, who may, as many believe, pose a danger to us. Yes, we’ve changed. Friendships are harder to come by. It is more difficult these days to get to know who another person really is – or for them to get to know who we are.

“Ain’t It Good to Know That You’ve Got a Friend.” ….Carole King

Research studies have shown repeatedly that friendship and social support systems have many psychological benefits. Social support cuts off the dysfunctional cycle of stress, which produces physiological responses such as increased heart rate, breathing, and blood pressure. Just having another person nearby will reduce stress when people perform difficult tasks. And it also takes a load off when you need help in doing some of your tasks of the day – certainly a stress reducer.

Spending time with a good, supportive friend will calm us and uplift our mood. We feel better when we talk things through with a trusted friend. When we hear ourselves talk, we can often get to the root of what is bothering us without the listener’s having to say a word. Social support validates us. We don’t feel so alone when there is a trusted friend nearby to say that the same things have happened to them – or merely says, “I understand.” Social connections help us to feel better about ourselves. Good friends make us feel good, and we feel that we’re part of a larger whole. When we have a supportive social network, we can face life’s everyday problems with the feeling that we have the backing of others who care about us.

Social support also has physical benefits. People who have social connections bounce back more quickly from surgeries and illnesses than those without support. A study of people with heart disease found that people with a good friend to confide in lived substantially longer than those who didn’t have a support network. Research has also found that social support can increase your body’s natural immunity. A well-known study found that women with advanced breast cancer who attended a weekly support group lived twice as long as those who did not. It has also been found that lonely people sleep less soundly, wake more frequently during the night, and had less regenerative deep sleep than those with good social support networks.

The Elements of Friendship

What are the characteristics of a friendship? Who is likely to become our friend? The following variables have been found to be associated with the establishment of a friendship.

Physical Proximity – A person who lives near us, or with whom we have regular contact, may become a friend. In apartment buildings, people who live on the same floor are likelier to become friends than people who live on different floors, and the people who live near the mailbox or the stairs have the most friends of all. Our friends tend to be coworkers, classmates, and people we see regularly at the gym or in the elevator.

Frequency – The more often we see a person, the more likely this person will become a friend. Thus, a person we see at work or in class every day has the potential to be a friend.

Common Interests – People who join groups based on a hobby or another interest are likely to make friends with other group members. They know and have an interest in the same information, and this prompts people to enter into conversations and engage in the same activities. For example, hiking clubs, gourmet food sharing groups, and reading groups attract people with a common interest – and friendships emerge from these groups.

Common Demographic Characteristics – We tend to make friends most easily with people of the same general background in terms of age, gender, and socioeconomic status. Our shared backgrounds allow for comfort with the other person and a common general approach toward dealing with the world.

Self-Disclosure – The point at which an interaction moves from acquaintanceship to friendship is when one person starts to talk about his or her own life. Self-disclosure has to be mutual and balanced between the two people in order for a friendship to start. It starts out with the exchange of minimal information and then moves into higher degrees of self-disclosure as the friendship develops. If one person does all the talking and the other person has little to say, the balance between the two people is not achieved and a friendship is less likely to occur.

Reciprocity – A healthy friendship carries with it a sense of equality between the two people. If you disclose personal information, you expect that the other person will reveal personal information at about the same rate that you do. In fact, we tend to “test” the other person to see if they talk about themselves to the same degree that we have. Reciprocity, however, goes further than self-disclosure. If we do a favor for a friend, we expect the same general behavior in return. If you drive to the group one night, you expect that your friend will drive another night – or at least repay the favor in another way that has equal value (although openly keeping a ledger of favors can doom a friendship). Friends are people who generally do as much for us as we do for them.

Intimacy – Once self-disclosure and reciprocity have been established in a friendship, the final variable is the ability of the two people to establish an appropriate level of intimacy between them. Intimacy involves emotional expression and ideally includes unconditional support of the other person. That is, we accept the other person without placing value judgments on him or her. A friendship with intimacy also includes trust and loyalty. An intimate friendship is one in which we feel that we can be ourselves. We’ll be valued and accepted just for being who we are. It makes us feel alive and warm. In other words, a good friendship depends less on who the other person is than on how they make us feel.

One important component of friendship is that money cannot buy friends. You can pick up the tab for other people, but that does not ensure that you will now have friends. True friendship depends on much deeper features than the superficial act of buying things for people. In fact, it has been found that we value a friendship more if we give to another person rather than receiving from them. Perhaps by doing something for someone else, we enhance their value in our own eyes in order to justify why we have given to them. Giving makes us like the other person more – and allowing them to give to us makes them like us more. The American statesman, Benjamin Franklin, used this idea in dealing with people. When someone was antagonistic toward him, he would ask them for a favor, such as to borrow a book. This led the other person to change their perception of him in a more positive direction. Giving, in any case, is more effective as a life strategy than receiving.

THE BACK PAGE

The best friendships are those where the two people support each other’s social identity. We value the place we have in society, whether it’s a job or an important marker of our status – such as being a parent or a good student or a team member. Our true friends are those who support the social identity we have established for ourselves. We tend to withdraw from people who fail to support what we are or what we do in the world. We may believe that we like our friends because of who they are as people, but the research indicates that we like them because they support who we are.

Another feature of a good friendship is that things tend to stay positive. Although self-disclosure is an important component of a friendship, when people constantly talk about their problems or use the friendship as a place only to vent their life frustrations, the friendship is put under strain. When one person stays negative within a friendship, the other person might start avoiding the interaction. The intimacy of friendship has to be enjoyable. The more we feel good about the other person, the more likely we are to invest the time to keep the friendship alive and thriving. A good friendship is exciting – and it’s fun.

How are Men and Women Different in Their Relationships?

It has been well established that intimacy is a crucial component of a good friendship. However, men and women express their intimacy in different ways.

Women tend to express intimacy on an emotional level. They share information about themselves, talk more about feelings, and try to understand their relationships, their careers, their health, or their state of mind. They are more interested in sharing and disclosing feelings rather than in problem-solving. The emphasis is on “processing feelings” – talking and listening, and, as they do this, validating the other person.

Men, on the other hand, share their affection for their friends using what has been called “covert intimacy.” Rather than focusing on processing feelings, men share intimacy by helping each other or problem-solving. The emphasis is on “doing” rather than “being.” They talk more about topics outside of the personal realm – like cars, computer games, politics, or finance. Their expression of affection often takes the form of razzing each other, which is understood by men to be a form of bonding.

HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS

How To Make Friends

If you’re not in school or working for a large company with a built-in social structure and constant opportunities to meet new people, making friends can be a challenge. Still, there are several strategies that are useful for meeting people and making friends.

Join a Gym – No, you’re not likely to meet someone working out on an elliptical trainer or stairmaster, but gyms also offer yoga, martial arts classes, or aerobics – and it is in these settings that you can talk to other people with whom you share a common interest.

Get a Pet (especially a dog) – Not only will you derive physical and emotional benefits from having a pet, people feel free to talk to you when you’re walking your pet. They are a built-in topic for conversation. Go to a local dog park or take your pooch for a walk in the neighborhood at the same time every day.

Volunteer – Get involved with a charitable group. This not only helps to relieve stress since you’re doing something to help the world, but you’ll meet other people with altruistic motives and similar interests.

Get Involved with a Hobby – Explore a pastime that you have an interest in, like biking, reading, music, or the environment. And then join a group of people who have the same interest. Not only will the hobby add interest to your life, but you’ll make contact with other people with whom you have something in common.

Take a Look at People You Already Know – Friends are people with whom you share proximity and frequency of contacts. You probably already come into contact with certain people frequently, but you’ve never bothered to start a conversation. Give it a try, and you might be pleasantly surprised at what you’ve been missing.

Track Down Old Friends – Get in touch with old friends again. See how they’re doing. You may be able to revive these friendships and treat yourself to some continuity in your life.

Ask Questions – If you don’t know what to say when you meet someone new, ask them questions about themselves (without appearing to be nosy or intrusive). People love the attention they receive from others, and conversations tend to flow easily when the other person feels validated.

Ask for a Favor – If you are trying to make friends, ask someone to do you a favor. They are more likely to feel friendly toward you after they have done you the favor.

Smile! – This may sound simple, but it’s a way of giving off approachable cues. People are much more willing to talk to someone who reveals positive body language. The first step to a friendship is often a pleasant “hello.”

Dealing With Holiday Stress

Sun, 05 Mar 2023 02:24:40 GMT

The major cause of holiday stress is expectations. Those expectations usually revolve around family and financial issues. And to top it off, time crunches often bring the stress to the surface.

It sounds like your husband either has great childhood memories of the holidays or has a nerves-of-steel tolerance to stress. He’s a rare commodity. Most of us have unfulfilled expectations and unspoken family issues that often makes getting together with extended family awkward. It may be hard for you to vocalize your feelings, but this is likely part of what underlies all the stress you’re experiencing.

One way to reduce the emotion of the actual day and thereby the pressure leading up to it is to lower your expectations. Look forward to the gathering hoping to touch base with few family members, but don’t expect to see a strained relationship resolved. In some cases, even expecting to connect on some deeper level is unrealistic. Try to enjoy being in the moment. Focus on what’s happening now and don’t allow the past – or the future to destroy this point in time. Look at the things you can see: the food, the gifts, the children and try to keep you mind off any unseen issues.

Life isn’t as perfect as Hallmark card. Don’t expect your holiday to look like a remake of “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Try to lower your expectations.

The other side, but somewhat inter-related is financial stress. You may find yourself going deeper in debt each year trying to please others. You may spend more than you know you should trying to get some perfect gift. It’s a good idea to concentrate not so much on what you give but how you give. For instance a plate of cookies can be more meaningful because you took the time and care to bake them than a color TV.

The value of a gift isn’t price tag. That kind of feeling will go away about a half an hour after it’s given. It’s not how much the gift cost, but what you want to say to that person. For instance, “I care about you” can be said as well with a plate of homemade cookies as ten cases of Mrs. Field’s.

Don’t expect to give or get the perfect gift. You can end up very disappointed.

A quick aside: Perhaps you or others reading this column face another holiday problem – holiday depression. Often holiday depression happens to people who are already struggling with depression. The reason holiday depression seems so much stronger is that the stress of the season tends to heighten emotions. Be sure to have a plan to deal with it, or seek the help of a professional to manage it.

Finally, with all the time commitments of the holidays, you may find you’re running yourself ragged. You probably aren’t prepared for the holidays this year. Most people aren’t. Maybe it’s time to start planning for next year. Perhaps you need to alternate family gatherings next year so you aren’t expected at your families and your husband’s on the same day.

And maybe you should draw names so you don’t have to run around getting gifts for everyone and you can concentrate on getting one very special gift. Or maybe you just need to clear your calendar to make time for yourself. That’s O.K., too.

Another great stress reducer is to take a moment to ponder the spiritual significance of the season. It can help keep things in perspective.

Depression in Men

Sun, 05 Mar 2023 02:19:46 GMT

The incidence of depression in our society seems to be on the rise. Recent estimates suggest that as many as one in three of us will experience some form of depression within our lifetimes. Others claim that depression may even represent a symptom of our times which are characterized by alienation, lack of strong community bonds, and hopeless economic situations for many.

It is normal to feel sad and experience down days occasionally. Most people go through normal periods of feeling dispirited, especially after they experience a loss or any other period of stress. But what specialists call clinical depression is different from just being “down in the dumps.” The main difference is that the sad or empty mood does not go away after a couple of weeks – and everyday activities like eating, sleeping, socializing, or working can be affected.

People who experience depression describe it as agonizing pain that cannot be shaken and seems to have no end in sight. They feel trapped and talk about having a dark, empty pit in their chest or stomach that cannot be filled.Some depressed people suffer so much that they may even contemplate suicide. Virtually all people with depression complain about reduced energy, reduced concentration, and the inability to complete projects. About eighty percent of depressed people say they have trouble sleeping, with frequent nighttime awakening during which they worry about their problems. Many people with depression over-sleep during the daytime. Sufferers of this disorder report that they have had either an increase or a decrease in their appetite, sometimes accompanied by weight gain or loss. About fifty percent of people with depression say that their symptoms are worse in the morning and that they feel a bit better by evening. Half of all people with depression report only one severe episode within their lifetimes, but the remainder may have this happen twice, or repeatedly, during their lives. Here are some symptoms of major depression

Diminished ability to enjoy oneself
Loss of energy and interest
Difficulty concentrating; slowed or fuzzy thinking; indecision
Magnified feelings of hopelessness, sadness, or anxiety
Changes in sleep and/or appetite
Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
Recurring thoughts of self-destruction or death.

These symptoms, however, describe only most women and some men. There is another form of depression, male-type depression, that has a different set of symptoms.

Male Depression

Because of the socialization patterns found in our society, depression in men takes on a different look. Men do everything they can to avoid appearing vulnerable, weak, or indecisive. While women tend to think through or process their feelings when they feel depressed, men tend to take action. Men who are depressed usually don’t admit to feeling sad, although they may feel fatigued or irritable. They usually don’t have a name for their feelings, but they know they feel deadened inside. Thus, they turn to activities in order to distract themselves from their sad feelings. Sometimes these activities are adaptive, such as going out to find a job if he is unemployed, but at other times men distract themselves in destructive ways, like avoidance, denial, or acting out. They are reluctant to take responsibility for their underlying feelings of sadness – which they neither name nor admit to. Let’s consider some of the main ways that men negotiate depression – Unhappiness with Himself

A man dealing with depression may express profound dissatisfaction with himself, his accomplishments in life, and his ability to deal with the challenges of everyday life. His way of framing his life experiences takes on a negative tone. He may feel that he has missed out on opportunities experienced by others and that he has failed as a protector and provider. He looks on life as a glass half empty and has difficulty in rewarding himself for his true life accomplishments. He may find it challenging to see his setbacks as only temporary or as an opportunity to overcome his adverse experiences. To him, failure is a source of great shame. When shame comes to dominate a person’s life, the negative thought process is magnified and leads to rage, defensiveness, and self-destructive behavior (such as substance abuse). The man will probably refuse to recognize the underlying problem as depression – because that too would be a source of shame. Unfortunately, he would more productively address his depression by exploring it directly rather than engaging in self-blame and avoiding looking into the true causes of his unhappiness.

Blaming and Antagonizing Others

A man in depression defends against his feelings of sadness at all costs, and this leads him down the path of blaming others for his unhappiness. It’s as if he tells himself, “I’m feeling bad and I know it’s not because of anything I’ve done, so I need to find the cause outside of myself.” He dreads living with his feelings of dysphoria, and knows at a certain level that he cannot take any more experiences that make him feel even worse about himself or more hopeless about the future. Therefore, to defend against this state, he goes on the offense. The main targets of his blaming behavior is his family – the ones he is closest to – although others may bear the blame as well. He generates conflict with others seemingly out of the blue, although he may also ruminate over an issue and bring it up again and again without resolution. Relationships can be sorely tried during this phase of a man’s depression – and even result in domestic violence. During the conflict he may sense a feeling of power and give his own feeling of unhappiness a cause and a name. A target out there is concrete and identifiable – and easier in a way to deal with than the uneasy feeling of emptiness he harbors inside. The drawback to attacking others, however, is that he ends up feeling even more alienated and isolated as the depression magnifies.

Seeking Stimulation

Depression represents a threat to a man’s traditional sense of masculinity. He feels weak, vulnerable, and unable to take action – and this is unacceptable to him. As a result, a man may turn to exaggerated hyper masculine behavior to address his inner fear of appearing powerless. He hates feeling ineffective, so he turns to highly stimulating experiences to convince himself that he is vital and powerful. For this reason, many depressed men engage in substance abuse, look for places to express anger, and seek sexual stimulation. Men in depression may drink alcohol to excess because it gives them a temporary experience of well-being – a way to escape the dreaded deadened feeling of depression. Similarly, they may use marijuana or stimulating drugs such as cocaine or meth-amphetamine. Unfortunately, alcohol and other drugs do give a temporary feeling of euphoria and escape from depression – and because it feels good, the man may go back to it repeatedly until an addictive pattern is established. Anger provides a similar feeling of stimulation, not just psychologically but neurochemically. People report a sense of power and “being alive” during the adrenaline rush associated with explosive anger. Sexual experiences can provide a similar rush. However, the result is always the same – the temporary feeling of well-being is not a cure for the underlying depression. In fact, it distracts the person from engaging in behavior that will address the depression in a healthy and more permanent way.

Avoiding and Escaping

When people feel bad, it is normal to try to find a way to escape from the negative experience. However, depression can be addressed therapeutically – and to avoid dealing with it is to perpetuate it. Men in depression engage in an infinite variety of avoidance and escape behaviors, anything to while away the time so that they don’t have to face the empty feelings of their depression. For example, the depressed man may “zone out” for extended periods of time. He may spend hours online, or watching TV, or reading. He may drink excessively or use drugs. He may have a series of sexual affairs. He may lose himself in his work. There are healthier strategies for dealing with depression.

Some Healthy Ways to Address Male Depression

Give yourself permission to feel depressed. There is no shame in having a condition that so many people experience within the course of their lives – and accepting the reality of it will allow you to find better solutions to dealing with it.
Learn how to describe your feelings. Throughout the course of the day, take out some time to describe your mood at that moment. If you understand your feelings, you have an effective tool for having more control over your life and making better decisions.
Redefine what masculinity really means. It means being a whole person – flexible, adaptive, using every tool at your disposal for living an effective life. The healthy man knows when to exert control and when to yield control, and he knows that true intimacy keeps him healthy.
Try not to set difficult goals for yourself or to take on more responsibilities than you can realistically handle. Break large tasks into smaller ones. Set priorities and take things one at a time.
Realize that you may have a great many negative thoughts. Become conscious of having these thoughts and then distract yourself from them by thinking positively. When you have negative thoughts about your own life, remind yourself of all the positive things you have.
Postpone important life decisions until your depression is brought under control. If you must make major decisions, consult others who can be trusted and can take an objective view of the situation.
It is important during a depression to avoid the use of alcohol, drugs, or other forms of addiction (like excessive work, pornography, or video games). While you may feel a temporary “high,” this can lead to a dangerous pattern of highs and lows which can ultimately create a negative spiral that is very difficult to get out of.
Avoid impulsive actions. If you’re angry, tell yourself, “Don’t take action.”
Try to spend as much time as you can around other people. While this may seem impossible, it is better than being alone. It is important not to overdo it, however. Feeling better takes time.
Try to get some exercise. Pumping up your heart for even half an hour a day does wonders for your well-being, and you can do this by taking a walk. Don’t blame yourself, though, if you cannot accomplish as much as you think you should.
Treat yourself, everyday if possible, to some activity that makes you feel better. Cook a good meal or read a good book. Have a conversation with a friend. Put your arms around the one who loves you.

Is the Man In Your Life Secretly Depressed?

Answer the following questions with a “yes” or “no” response. If at least half of your answers are “yes,” it may be helpful to consult a therapist to discuss treatment strategies.

Does he harshly criticize himself?
Is he highly sensitive to the idea of being criticized or looking bad?
Does he have a limited vocabulary to describe his feelings?
Does he avoid situations where it might appear that he is failing?
Does he blame others for his bad moods?
Does he demand respect without earning respect?
Does he insist that all of his problems would be solved if only you would change?
Is he suspicious and guarded?
Is he a perfectionist?
Does he have addictive tendencies (substances, TV, the Internet, video games)?
Is he a workaholic?
Does he engage in high risk behaviors (driving fast, spending money unwisely)?
Does he insist that everything is fine when it’s not?
Does he avoid talking about relationship issues that need to be addressed?
Does he seem discouraged about the future? Does he feel that everything is going wrong no matter how hard he tries?

This quiz is adapted from David B. Wexler’s book, Is He Depressed or What?

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/article/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body
https://fvinstitute.com/are-selfies-a-sign-of-a-mental-disorder
https://fvinstitute.com/dependent-personality-disorder-diagnosis-and-treatment
https://fvinstitute.com/highly-sensitive-people-strengths

A Roadmap For Putting Your Marriage Back on Track

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 14:34:19 GMT

Dan and Sharon’s road trip is a little like a marriage in trouble. As a Marriage and Family Therapist I see a lot of people with marital problems. About 45% of my clients are dealing with marital discord. And, like most counselors in the US, the percent of marriage counseling I do has increased substantially since September 11th.

I’d like to see fewer couples. Not that I want to turn away people in need. I’d just like to help people avoid the need. I’m sure you’ve heard the statistics: today more than half all marriages end in divorce. And the track record for second marriages is even worse.

“Become a student of your spouse. Learn what your partner likes and dislikes…”

Dan, Sharon and the kids were driving the expressway. Dan was the pilot, Sharon the navigator. The kids were just along for the ride. Tension was in the air.

“Put down that map! I can’t see a thing,” yelled Dan.

“I’m looking for our exit,” Sharon replied. “Why didn’t you plan this trip better? I’m tired of always getting lost. Can’t we just ask for directions?”

“Quit nagging. We don’t need help. Just keep looking for signs,” Dan responded as billows of smoke started pouring out from the hood. “Great! Looks like we’re overheating or something.”

“Didn’t you check the radiator before we left? I told you it looked low.” Sharon’s volume began rising. “Why don’t you pull over and call a tow tru…”

“I’ll fill it when we get into town,” interrupted Dan as he slammed on the brakes and pulled over to the shoulder. “Rats!!! We just passed our exit!”

As the car idled on the roadside, the engine began making a loud rattling sound. Dan laid his forehead on the steering wheel and let out a heavy sigh.

“I think we need help.”

Usually, there are little signs along the way before the relationship breaks down. Here are small signs to look for in your marriage and suggestions to turn things around:

Fork in the road. When couples first marry, they travel the same road together. At some point theres a fork in the road. It’s when we take too many different forks that problems begin. We’ll find ourselves doing different things with different people and spending less time with our spouse. Our goals are different. Not just different – sometimes conflicting.

Suggestion: Do more things together. Find an activity you both enjoy – and do it. It could be bowling or squash, checkers or chess, rock or opera, hiking or antiquing. I know one couple that knocked on neighbor’s doors together for a yellow ribbon campaign. Whatever works, let the activity draw you together. And make time to do it often.

Missing Stop Sign. We live in a day of hectic schedules. It’s easy to go days without stopping for a moment alone with your spouse. But time together is crucial to building your relationship. You need to stop and work on staying connected.

Suggestion: Schedule a weekly “Together Time” away from the house and kids. Don’t talk about work or children. What do you talk about? Anything: news, interests, hobbies, friends, or memories. Seeing a movie doesn’t count as “Together Time.” But, sometimes a movie or activity creates a natural bridge to help a couple connect. Just be sure to make time to talk afterwards.

Soft Shoulder Ahead. Physical touch changes over time in a marriage. But when hugs, kisses, holding hands, and lovemaking stop entirely there’s usually need for concern. It can lead you down a slippery slope.

Suggestion: Reach out and touch your spouse. Some men love being greeted at the door with a hug when they come home from work. Some women like a kiss goodbye in the morning. Find out what your partner likes. Don’t guess. Ask.

Yield Right Of Way. One of the common problems is waiting for your partner to go first in any of these areas. What if they’re waiting for you to go first? You get the point.

Suggestion: Break the pattern. Take the risk: hold your spouse’s hand, write a romantic note, or schedule an activity together. The reward could be well worth it.

Become a student of your spouse. Learn what your partner likes and dislikes. Try to understand his or her unique personality, needs and desires. One book I suggest to help you better understand your spouse is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It explains how to communicate your love depending on your spouse’s love language.

If you feel your marriage problems are too big to handle alone, maybe it’s time to ask for help. A good counselor can be a mediator, a coach, a teacher and a resource. I’ve seen great marriage turnarounds. Whether you take my suggestions or seek professional help, the key is being ready to roll-up your sleeves and work on your marriage. When you get there, it can be well worth the trip.

Additional Resources:

Staying Together – How to Create a Healthy Committed Relationship

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 14:27:43 GMT

Arguments don’t necessarily mean your relationship is in trouble – and they might be an essential component of a long-lasting relationship.

Positive Behaviors in a Relationship

What are these positive interactions? They are found in

Showing interest in what your partner is saying,
Expressing affection to your partner both verbally (“I love you”) and nonverbally (holding hands, doing kind little things),
Showing you care – perhaps by making a phone call during the day or bringing home flowers,
Showing appreciation by remembering the good times in your relationship or telling your partner how proud you are of him or her,
Indicating your concern – instead of acting defensive, show that you are concerned about your partner’s troubling experiences or apologize if you say something hurtful without thinking,
Conveying empathy in your facial expression and verbal feedback – show that you truly care about what your partner is going through,
Displaying acceptance of your partner’s thoughts and feelings – this shows your respect for your partner,
Joking around, which includes playful teasing, laughing together, and maybe acting silly together, and
Sharing your joy when good things happen.

The Negative Cascade

Here are the phases of the negative cascade:

Criticism

Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, not just his or her behavior. There is usually an element of blame in the attack. Criticizing your partner leads to defensiveness and may encourage your partner to withdraw from you – after all, if your partner feels blamed because of a personality flaw, it would be difficult thing to repair. A complaint, on the other hand, especially if it is stated as an “I-statement,” is an expression of your feeling that allows your partner to correct the situation. Stating a complaint, though it may not be pleasant, can enhance the relationship because it gets problematic behavior out in the open where it can be talked about. Complaints often begin with the word, “I,” and criticisms might begin with the word, “you.”

To repair this pattern, try stating your criticisms as complaints that your partner can respond to and not take as a personal attack. Make your complaints specific and talk about them as a behaviors that can be changed. Take responsibility for your own part in the problem.

Criticisms vs. Complaints

Criticism – “You’re a workaholic! You don’t care about me!”

Complaint – “I feel unloved when I have to be alone so much when you work late at night.”

Criticism – “The world revolves around you – you need to have the last word, always.”

Complaint – “I get upset when you interrupt me.”

Contempt

Defensiveness

When a person is bombarded with criticism and indications of contempt, it is natural to feel like a victim – and victims go into a defensive posture (“I haven’t done anything wrong, so stop picking on me”).Defensiveness is an attempt to protect oneself and to guard against further attacks. The victim feels justified in doing this. However, what is not often understood is that defensiveness tends to escalate a conflict rather than quelling it. The partner who does the blaming feels that the other one doesn’t “get it” and is resistant to addressing the problem. This can result in a standoff where constructive communication comes to a halt. Rather than trying to mutually solve the problems in the relationship, the two partners spend their energy defending themselves. Nothing is resolved, the conflict escalates, and the negative cascade continues to damage the relationship.

Stonewalling

In the final phase of the negative cascade the couple finally breaks off normal contact. Gottman found that 85 percent of stonewallers are men. This phase characterizes a stage in the damaged relationship where one of the partners decides that no communication is better than the destructive feelings and words that have prevailed prior to this point. Withdrawing from interaction sends a powerful negative message – and the stonewaller may feel that this is the only option left. It is important to note that a common fighting technique between partners is for one to use the “silent treatment” – but this is not the same as stonewalling. The silent treatment is used on occasion, while stonewalling is an habitual reaction for the couple and is preceded by the first three phases of the negative cascade. Relationships that get to this point are still salvageable, but they are fragile. At this stage, the couple must want to work hard to save the relationship.

In order to address the problem of stonewalling, the couple should address issues like learning to stay calm, speaking non-defensively, and becoming aware of the thoughts that maintain their distress. A therapist can help a couple learn all of these skills.

Making Positive Relationship Changes

There is still hope for couples who find themselves in destructive patterns, but they must learn new skills. Consulting with a trained therapist is generally the most effective way to do this.

One skill to learn is how to avoid flooding, which is a feeling of being overwhelmed by your partner’s negativity and your own reactions. In flooding, you feel that you have reached your limit and can take no more. A person who experiences flooding feels hostile, withdrawn, and defensive. This person feels the need to calm down and may feel like running away from the situation just to get some relief. A therapist can teach the partners how to stay calm in these situations and to use positive thinking techniques. Both partners also need to redefine the attacks on them as simply the way the other person is trying to make a point.

Some Skills for Creating a Healthy Relationship

Take your pulse.
Take a timeout when things get out of control – a twenty-minute recess allows us to return to our baseline level of arousal.
Change your thinking from distressful thoughts to self-soothing thoughts (“He’s angry now, but this isn’t about me”).
Try deep breathing and try to capture some peaceful thoughts.
Learn progressive muscle relaxation techniques – your therapist can teach you this.
Aerobic exercise can lead to a calm feeling.

Speak and Listen Non-defensively –Deliberately make yourself have positive, caring thoughts about your partner. Focus on what is right in your relationship, not on what is wrong and needs to be changed. Share these thoughts with your partner through praise, compliments, and words of appreciation. This may be a difficult skill to master, especially when we feel irritated, but the reward to your relationship is invaluable.

Additional Resources:

Grief Does Not Have to Hold Us In Its Grip, We Can Move Through It

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 12:40:52 GMT

Grief does not have to hold us in its grip, we can move through it. What are we to do with the feelings we have when we have to deal with loss? Sometimes we allow society to dictate how we deal with our feelings. Society tells us:

To grieve is to be weak.

We are expected to be strong and courageous. Growing up, boys and men are often told “don’t cry, shake it off, just get back in there and play.” In “A League of Their Own” Tom Hanks’ famous quote, “There’s no crying in baseball” is a prime example of how to deal with emotions. Little boys are told they have to be “the man of the house” and have to “be strong and take care of your Mom now.” Older males are often told “It’ll be OK. You have to be strong for your kids. Don’t let them see you cry.” Society expects us to avoid grief because it is a sign of weakness. When we say, “she is not coping very well” we seem to convey someone is failing in the grieving process if she directly expresses her sadness. We do not encourage others to cry, mourn, or openly express their pain.

We have things that need to be done.

“Well now that your husband is gone are you going to clear out the house and move to a smaller place?” “Now that you are alone maybe you should move to be closer to your children?” “How long has it been, aren’t you ready to get on with your life?” When someone passes we have things to do and we tend to do them. Are we then going through the motions and avoiding the emotions?

We have no time for death.

Death must be handled quickly and forgotten quickly. One source states the average work place bereavement leave in the in the United States is 1 – 3 days. We are expected to keep our schedule as routine as possible and to grieve alone. Friends advise, “It’s better to be at work.” We start to believe that “Grief is inconvenient.” We tend to want to avoid the pain and we refuse to accept the pattern of grief. We are led to believe that “good coping” is a sign of excellent mental health. The Good News is: Your grief becomes part of your secret inner life, and out of its suffering can emerge a new and vital you…because you worked through the stages of grief to make it so. In order to understand the process, let’s look at three stages of grief: Shock, Suffering, and Recovery. The duration of each stage is different. The complexity is in the pattern of behavior in each of the stages. You can and probably will vacillate from one stage to the other. This can be scary for the survivor and for those who really want to help him or her but the stages are necessary and healthy.

Shock

Like someone who is in great pain and passes out, this first stage is nature’s way of protecting you from unbearable pain. Here is where you may lack rationality; some describe it as a dream-like state. You may feel half-dead and half-alive, feeling nothing or feeling too much. At times your awareness is acute but clear thinking is an illusion. You may have a lack of concentration, disbelief, and or numbness. Your response may be an overpowering weariness coupled with a constant restlessness. Weight loss, fitful sleep and internal quivering may result. When people ask, “how are you?” normally the answer is “I’m fine.” Its okay to tell them “I don’t know what I need; maybe you could just sit with me.” All of these feelings disconnect you from yourself and from your environment, yet it is now you need people desperately to remind you the world still exists and you are wanted and loved for your own sake. Be kind to yourself; allow tears, do not fear for your sanity if you cannot think clearly. It is not insanity – it is shock. Normally after Shock comes…

Suffering

Here is where you really begin to feel the loss. This is usually the worst stage bringing a helpless and hopeless feeling. The full realization that you are grieving usually comes with suffering. Admit to yourself and to others, you need help. Suffering is healthy but it won’t feel like it is as family and friends drift back to their lives. They might start to apply their arbitrary time-frame. You might hear, “Well it’s been three months aren’t you feeling better?” Do not adapt their time-frame to your grief. Your grief is your grief. Anger is also part of suffering. At first it is difficult to experience your feelings because of the numbness. As the numbness wears off your feelings will be intense. Anger is a sign of protest. It is a normal and predictable emotion during a crisis or after a loss. It’s a way of fighting back when you feel helpless. Expressions of anger against injustices have always been with us. The loss of men and women working in the World Trade Center and the loss of the rescue workers put our country into shock and grief. And people were angry. We may even be angry at those who haven’t had to experience what we’ve been through. It’s unfair. “Why should they be let off the hook when I am in such pain?”

Recovery

There are recognizable guideposts in recovery. Pain turns from a preoccupation about the one who died to anxiety about your own future. In shock your actions are mechanical. In suffering your actions are forced by your own restlessness. In recovery your actions are motivated by your own free choice. One of the first things you might notice is your ability to make choices. You may be able to balance the important against the unimportant. What bothered you in the past is now a small irritant. You move from the hollow mind of grief to a human being who still lives. It’s when you force yourself to go to work, to visit friends, or to take a trip. You realize you are needed in your work, wanted by your friends, and travel is a welcome distraction and even pleasurable. Another indicator that you are healing; you are less dependent on friends and family and there is more balance in your life. Action by itself is a healthy release of emotions. Facing your situation spurs you into action sooner. A willingness to search for joy is a good creative first step.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/friendship-social-support/
https://fvinstitute.com/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body/
https://fvinstitute.com/living-with-a-chronic-illness/
https://fvinstitute.com/are-selfies-a-sign-of-a-mental-disorder/
https://fvinstitute.com/dependent-personality-disorder-diagnosis-and-treatment/
https://fvinstitute.com/highly-sensitive-people-strengths/

Working on Your Relationship – By Yourself

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 08:22:02 GMT

You Can Create a Successful Relationship – Even If You Must Do It Alone

Conflicts can be expected to arise in even the strongest of relationships. Two people who attempt to create a relationship always bring their own issues, backgrounds, expectations, personalities, and inner difficulties into the interplay that occurs between them. It is not at all unusual that the two people might find themselves, at times, in a deadlock. They see no way to break the impasse and to recapture the spirit of good will that they once had and would like to have again. Each party’s personal conflicts come into play and stifle the communication, sharing and love that seem necessary for harmonious interaction. Rather than confronting our own part in the problem, we may resort to blaming our partner – “If only she (or he) would change, then we could be happy.”

While it is ideal for the two partners to agree mutually that there is a problem that needs to be confronted and to show an equal amount of motivation in solving the problem in relationship therapy, this goal is not always achievable. The reality of the situation is that one of the partners may not be ready to work on the problem – and the reason for this may be perfectly valid. For example, one partner may fear that working on the relationship could bring up other problems. Or one of the partners may feel inadequate in talking about relationship issues and may have fears of being attacked if he or she were to try relationship therapy (although this is, in reality, a highly unlikely event). Or perhaps the partner feels unable to make the changes which have been called for in the past.

Commonly, one of the partners just doesn’t see that there is a problem, and therefore fails to see his or her contribution to the difficulties. Whatever the reason, there are times when one partner is simply not ready to work mutually on the relationship. This is a fact which must be accepted. But it does not mean that the relationship is doomed. Rather than condemning our partner for his or her inability to work on the relationship, it is far more productive to show respect for our partner’s view and to take matters for bettering the relationship into our own hands. There is a great deal that one partner, acting alone, can do to create a relationship which is happier and more fulfilling for both parties.

Working alone on a relationship problem can mean that we have to take a look at our own issues and our contribution to the difficulties with our partner. While this challenge is not always easy, the pay-off in terms of our own emotional wellness can be enormous, both for our own future personal happiness and for the success of our relationship. Working solo on a relationship may mean coming to terms with the anger we have fostered (perhaps for years), taking responsibility for our own happiness, breaking out of our old ways of seeing the world, changing our expectations about how we should live everyday, and accepting the good in our relationship as being good enough. It may mean letting go of some of our most entrenched behaviors. We may even find that letting go can bring us tremendous rewards that we never expected.

Think of a relationship as a system with two parts which strives to achieve balance. It can be compared to a see-saw. When one of the partners makes a shift, the other partner has to make a comparable shift to maintain the balance. This often works negatively. For example, if Chris reminds Michael to take out the trash, Michael, feeling controlled, might back off and stop communicating. In turn, Chris then criticizes Michael even further for breaking off communication – and Michael retreats even further. A balance is achieved in this case with a pattern of blame and withdrawal. How can the balance shift in a more positive direction? Chris might decide to stop reminding Michael to take out the trash. In fact, Chris starts taking out the trash. Michael does not feel controlled in this case and has no need to break off communication.

Showing appreciation to Chris for doing this chore, Michael starts taking out the trash. Both parties win in this case, and a positive balance is achieved in the relationship. (Of course, this could backfire on Chris, who may end up taking out the trash all the time. But at least the old pattern is broken, communication now has a chance to succeed, and Chris can assess whether it is more important to maintain the relationship with new ground rules, even though it is flawed and far from ideal, or to continue the old pattern of blame and withdrawal.)

Here are some ways that one party, working alone, can improve a relationship:

Take Care of Your Own Needs

We often look to our partner to provide for our needs, and this can be a big mistake. People, whether they are in a relationship or not, need to function in a whole and complete manner. The best relationships are generally those in which two healthy and fully functioning adults come together and enhance each other with love, support, trust and nurturance. They appreciate the gestures of love that they receive from their partner, but they would be able to live full and complete lives even if they were not in a relationship.

We sometimes think that the two people should give equally to the relationship in order to achieve a balance – but it may be more productive to see the balance in a different way. Think instead about achieving a balance within yourself, so that the question becomes one of deciding how much to give to the relationship and how much to give to yourself. There are some things that you may want and which you can provide for yourself. You see these things as non-negotiable. For example, if your partner is always late for social events and you find this unacceptable, try going once alone – and the next time your partner will probably be ready on time.

If your partner feels threatened by this, gets angry and starts an argument, try showing some empathy and decisiveness. Don’t participate in the argument. Simply say that you understand your partner’s feelings, but that this is something which is very important to you and you have decided to do it. It does not mean that you are rejecting or abandoning your partner, but it does mean that you are asserting yourself in a healthy way and taking care of your own needs. A simple act of assertiveness can often break a destructive pattern of mutual neediness.

Do the Exact Opposite of What You Have Been Doing

Each partner in a relationship plays a role. It is important to identify the role that each of you plays and then try to make a change. One way of accomplishing this is to identify your role and then do the exact opposite. This takes courage, because of fear that abandoning our previous role will only make the problem worse. In truth, however, changing this role will compel your partner to make a change as well, a change which may enhance the relationship. For example, Joan complains that Jeff plays golf all the time and doesn’t have time for her. Joan plays the role of the one who nags and Jeff plays the role of the one who rebels by playing golf. If Joan were to change her role from nagging to supporting, Jeff might make a change from rebelling to cooperating. Joan could learn to play golf herself, ask Jeff about his day on the course, and buy him some golf-related gifts. She could also cultivate her own interests. Jeff, in turn, realizing that Joan is now doing the exact opposite of what she had been doing, will no longer feel that he has to rebel against her. Because she shows support for his interests, he will then reciprocate by showing more concern for her needs. People respond much more readily to support than to criticism. The old destructive pattern has now been broken and each partner is now free both to pursue their own needs and to give to the other.

Relax Your Definitions of the Power Struggle

When we are involved in a relationship conflict we often resort to all-or-nothing thinking, and it is difficult to think outside of this box – “I am right and my partner is wrong.” The more you insist on your point of view, the more your partner defends his or her position. The two opposing ways of thinking become entrenched. It is helpful to defuse the situation by trying to develop empathy for your partner’s point of view and by relaxing the sense of urgency you have about your own views. The following thoughts can help to increase the flexibility of your thinking: “My partner is just being herself. She means no harm. She’s trying to do her best. I need to appreciate her just the way she is.

I need to stop trying to change her or to convince her that I am right.” When you try to get your partner to see things the way you do, you are actually searching for love and closeness. You want complete support, a partner who can affirm your way of thinking. Understand, though, that this is exactly what your partner is searching for too. Try to empathize with your partner’s view, and this can open the door to the closeness you want. You may feel an urgency or anxiety about asserting your own view. You don’t have to abandon your views, but you can work on the anxiety you feel about affirming your views. It helps to take a live-and-let-live approach to your struggle. Relax – and trust that things will work out well. And they often do.

Ask Your Partner to Help You Solve Your Problem

Rather than blaming your partner and creating an air of defensiveness, try reframing the problem. Make it clear that you are the one having the difficulty, and ask for your partner’s help in solving your problem. For example, instead of blaming your partner for spending too much money, it might be more helpful to find a good time to have a talk about how you feel very vulnerable financially – and then enlist your partner’s support in finding ways for you to feel more financially secure. You will find that taking ownership of the problem yourself can bring you much more support and closeness within the relationship. You can help create the conditions where your partner has an opportunity to rise to the occasion rather than feel blamed because your needs are not being met.

“Search thy own heart – what paineth thee in others in thyself may be.” – John Greenleaf Whittier

Working alone on your relationship means working on yourself. By making a shift in how you define your own sense of self, thoughts and feelings, you can help create the conditions which bring your relationship into a state of mutual harmony, support and love. A trained professional therapist can help you identify and modify patterns in the way you approach your relationship. The rewards can be immeasurable – for both you and your partner.

Is It Fair That I Have To Do All The Work On The Relationship?

No, it is not fair – but that’s all right.

Consider the alternatives. You can stay in a deadlocked relationship if you choose, but then each partner loses the potential benefits that can come from a healthier and more supportive commitment. Or you can let the relationship dissolve completely. This may be a viable option if the situation is intolerable, abusive, or completely mismatched. However, if there is a chance that the relationship can work, it is worth trying different approaches which have not been considered in the past. After all, ending a relationship before considering alternatives may represent an absence of fairness and a potential source of regret in the future.

When considering the idea of fairness, remember that many things in life are not fair.

Illness, financial setbacks, and grievous losses come to the best of people. Even if there were complete equality between you and your partner, there is no assurance that the problems in your relationship would be solved. Part of the human condition is to persist even when circumstances are not ideal. Your partner may lack the ability to provide equal input into solving the problems of your relationship. This is something worthy of acceptance. It is not ideal, but it is reality. Sometimes the strength and courage of one person is needed to compensate for the shortcomings of another.

The real test of fairness is to question whether you are creating the best life you can. In any relationship, we need to provide a balance, not necessarily between the two partners, but on the dimension of balancing your own needs against the needs of the relationship. The source of your happiness lies within and is derived from your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual strengths. Working on these factors within yourself puts you into a firm position to attend to the demands of your relationship.

A relationship requires flexibility, effective communication, some hard work, and a lot of good will. When we feel complete within, we are in a strong position to create the conditions which can lead to a healthy and thriving relationship. Perhaps there is some truth in the old saying that it is only when we love ourselves that we can truly love another.

Additional Resources:

Friendship and Social Support – The Laws of Attraction

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 08:04:09 GMT

GOOD FRIENDSHIPS DEPEND LESS ON WHO THEY ARE THAN ON HOW THEY MAKE US FEEL

Since 1985 the number of people who say they have no one to talk to has doubled. The lack of social contacts and social support, despite our technological advances over the past decades, is one of the downsides to the huge transformations that have taken place in our society. Despite the advent of e-mail and cell phones, people today have fewer meaningful social contacts than they had in the past. We have traded our face-to-face contacts for technological forms of communication. We tend to drive alone, work alone, eat alone, and live alone more than we did in past years. Our public presentation may reflect less about who we are on the inside than on our ability to conform to the latest look that we pick up from the all-pervasive media. We go to the gym and work out alone to the beats stored in our iPods. We go for coffee and immerse ourselves in our lap-tops. And we don’t talk to strangers, who may, as many believe, pose a danger to us. Yes, we’ve changed. Friendships are harder to come by. It is more difficult these days to get to know who another person really is – or for them to get to know who we are.

“Ain’t It Good to Know That You’ve Got a Friend.” Carol Lin (1971)

THE ELEMENTS OF FRIENDSHIP

What are the characteristics of a friendship? Who is likely to become our friend? The following variables have been found to be associated with the establishment of a friendship.

PHYSICAL PROXIMITY – A person who lives near us, or with whom we have regular contact, may become a friend. In apartment buildings, people who live on the same floor are likelier to become friends than people who live on different floors, and the people who live near the mailbox or the stairs have the most friends of all. Our friends tend to be co-workers, classmates, and people we see regularly at the gym or in the elevator.

FREQUENCY – The more often we see a person, the more likely this person will become a friend. Thus, a person we see at work or in class every-day has the potential to be a friend.

COMMON INTERESTS – People who join groups based on a hobby or another interest are likely to make friends with other group members. They know and have an interest in the same information, and this prompts people to enter into conversations and engage in the same activities. For example, hiking clubs, gourmet food sharing groups, and reading groups attract people with a common interest – and friendships emerge from these groups.

COMMON DEMOGRAPHIC CHARACTERISTICS – We tend to make friends most easily with people of the same general background in terms of age, gender, and socioeconomic status. Our shared backgrounds allow for comfort with the other person and a common general approach toward dealing with the world.

SELF-DISCLOSURE – The point at which an interaction moves from acquaintanceship to friendship is when one person starts to talk about his or her own life. Self-disclosure has to be mutual and balanced between the two people in order for a friendship to start. It starts out with the exchange of minimal information and then moves into higher degrees of self-disclosure as the friendship develops. If one person does all the talking and the other person has little to say, the balance between the two people is not achieved and a friendship is less likely to occur.

RECIPROCITY – A healthy friendship carries with it a sense of equality between the two people. If you disclose personal information, you expect that the other person will reveal personal information at about the same rate that you do. In fact, we tend to “test” the other person to see if they talk about themselves to the same degree that we have. Reciprocity, however, goes further than self-disclosure. If we do a favor for a friend, we expect the same general behavior in return. If you drive to the group one night, you expect that your friend will drive another night – or at least repay the favor in another way that has equal value (although openly keeping a ledger of favors can doom a friendship). Friends are people who generally do as much for us as we do for them.

INTIMACY – Once self-disclosure and reciprocity have been established in a friendship, the final variable is the ability of the two people to establish an appropriate level of intimacy between them. Intimacy involves emotional expression and ideally includes unconditional support of the other person. That is, we accept the other person without placing value judgments on him or her. A friendship with intimacy also includes trust and loyalty. An intimate friendship is one in which we feel that we can be ourselves. We’ll be valued and accepted just for being who we are. It makes us feel alive and warm. In other words, a good friendship depends less on who the other person is than on how they make us feel.

GIVING IS MORE EFFECTIVE THAN RECEIVING

HOW ARE MEN AND WOMEN DIFFERENT IN THEIR FRIENDSHIPS

It has been well established that intimacy is a crucial component of a good friendship. However, men and women express their intimacy in different ways.

How To Make Friends

Track Down Old Friends – Get in touch with old friends again. See how they’re doing. You may be able to revive these friendships and treat yourself to some continuity in your life.

Ask for a Favor – If you are trying to make friends, ask someone to do you a favor. They are more likely to feel friendly toward you after they have done you the favor.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/article/friendship-social-support/
https://fvinstitute.com/article/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body/
https://fvinstitute.com/article/living-with-a-chronic-illness/
https://fvinstitute.com/are-selfies-a-sign-of-a-mental-disorder/
https://fvinstitute.com/dependent-personality-disorder-diagnosis-and-treatment/
https://fvinstitute.com/highly-sensitive-people-strengths/

The Intimate Relationship: Intimacy In Relationships Is One Key To Emotional Health

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 06:28:24 GMT

Some of us search our entire lives for a feeling of oneness with another person. It’s hard to describe, what we search for, but we know it when we finally achieve it. Maybe we are tired of that dark feeling of being ultimately alone as we struggle through life. If only there were someone else here, who could understand and share these burdens. We want to share not just the burdens, but also our pleasures:, our strength and beauty. We want the powerful impact of our internal experience to have an impression on someone else, we are whole. We want to impart this feeling to another person.

Humans are social beings. Perhaps that is why we search for intimacy with others. Is the quest for intimacy the reason we commit ourselves to another person in marriage or other public declaration of loyalty? In trying to find intimacy, are we simply searching again for the ultimate feeling of bonding that we felt toward a parent during our infancy? The search for intimacy may be one reason we form social groups and it may explain why we quest for spiritual fulfillment in our religious lives.

We do not want to be alone. We want to touch and to be touched.

Many people in contemporary society feel lonely. For all the benefits we derive from living in a highly technological world, we still may find it difficult to discover ways to form intimate relationships. In fact, our high tech society seems to fragment our social connections, and to drive us away from other people. For example, technology connects us to others instantly, but in reality our messages are usually just flashes of ideas. Briefly written, briefly read and instantaneously deleted they often fail to fulfill our desire for more complete relationships. In our modern society, we lack ways to see, hear, or touch other people – to the extent that humans have in the past. Our high tech world has brought us an abundance of stress in our personal lives. Stress and intimacy are hardly compatible bedfellows.

In order to have an intimate connection with another person requires first that we must first have access to our own personal emotions and ideas. We cannot expect to be intimate with another when we are out of touch with our own internal experiences. We must explore and become familiar with our own personal thoughts and feelings before we can share them with someone else. Our intimate experiences may involve our emotional, cognitive, social, physical, sexual, and spiritual lives. Two people, once this has been done, may be able to share an intimate relationship on any one of these levels. True intimacy is one of the ultimate expressions of the human experience. That may be why we strive so hard to find it.

How We Reach Intimacy

Each person seems to understand the intimate experience in his or her own way. It takes a journey of personal discovery to learn how to share intimacy with another person. Here are some guidelines that may help to define that journey:

Know Your Self:

Get in touch with your own private experiences. In our stressed-out world, this is often hard to do because our attention is directed outward much of the time. It helps to sit with no distraction and spend time in reflection and introspection, observing your thoughts and feelings. The brain has pleasure centers; close your eyes and imagine yourself experiencing pleasure. Become familiar with those parts of yourself that are strong, whole, and integrated. Learn to feel comfortable with the part of yourself that senses calmness, confidence and peace. Some people like to spend a few minutes every night before bed reflecting on the events of the day. Others prefer to keep a daily journal of their private thoughts and feelings. Until you know your own private feelings, it is difficult to share them with someone else.

Communicate With Another Person:

Share what you know about yourself with another person who can be trusted. This involves several steps. First, you need a sense of commitment to that person. Strangers passing through your life are not the appropriate people with whom to share your deepest feelings. Intimacy has to be reserved for a person who will be there over the long haul – a close friend, a partner, a family member, or, if we’re lucky, a soulmate. You also need a feeling of trust. If the other person is not able to appreciate the delicacy of what you are sharing, it is futile to try to achieve intimacy. In the worst case, your words might be held against you later, which can be damaging and may lead to cynicism and distrust. Knowing whom to trust involves acquiring good judgment about other people. A trustworthy person is one who can honor and respect you for sharing your most intimate experiences. Finally, understand that intimacy involves making yourself vulnerable. The guarded and defensive person will never find true intimacy. Finding intimacy means taking a risk, opening yourself up, and sharing the most personal part of yourself with another person. Can the other person handle it? Can the other person care?

Intimacy Is Reciprocal:

A healthy intimate relationship is one in which both partners know themselves and are able to come together with a sense of equality. Certain relationships are not meant to be reciprocal (the therapist/client relationship, for example, often involves a high level of deeply personal communication, but this is primarily on the part of the client). Perhaps the most intense and lasting levels of intimacy are achieved when both partners are able to share equally with each other. As the listener, you have to be able to honor and respect the openness, vulnerability, and courage of the one who is communicating personal ideas and emotions. Valued judgments, criticisms, and advice-giving have no place in intimate communication. The goal is to appreciate and acknowledge the validity of the other person’s deepest feelings. If you are aware of your own thoughts and feelings, then you may have the ability to appreciate similar experiences on the part of the other person.

Keep the Light Alive:

Once two people have entered into a deep level of sharing, they usually want to stay there. If there is true equality between the two, they achieve a balance which feels right and one they don’t want to lose. However, if one of the partners feels the need to lessen the level of intimacy, the probability of conflict increases. You can avoid misunderstandings by maintaining your commitment and trust during these natural cycles that occur within any relationship. Intimacy takes work and a sense of maturity. Shirking the responsibility of keeping an intimate relationship alive invites a return to isolation.

The intimate relationship is healthy. Intimacy allows us to end loneliness and to share the deepest and most personal parts of ourselves with a trusted partner. As social beings, we respond physically to the experience of intimacy. People who have intimate relationships live longer and healthier lives and they report more personal happiness and satisfaction with the way they live. Intimacy gives us a feeling of comfort, security, and a sense of being loved and accepted. It gives us the freedom and support to stay true to the special qualities that define each one of us as a unique person.

Psychotherapy can allow us to explore our own deepest and most intimate feelings in a safe and accepting setting with a professional trained to understand these inner processes. We can learn to stay true to our uniqueness and to feel comfortable in sharing our authenticity with another person. We can explore who can be trusted, and who can’t, as well as the features of our lives that we may keep hidden. Psychotherapy has the potential to teach us how to break out of isolation and loneliness into a world of love and acceptance. It prepares us to explore an intimate relationship outside of the therapy setting.

The Healthy Benefits of Intimacy

A number of research studies have shown persuasively that people in intimate relationships live longer and happier lives than those who are not.

People in marriages or other committed relationships live longer than people who are single.
In one classic study researchers found that 95 percent of people who described their parents as uncaring had diseases by midlife, while only 29 percent of those who described their parents as caring had midlife diseases. Having supportive and close relationships with parents in our childhoods leads to healthier relationships in general when we grow up, and it is these healthier adult relationships that are linked to a lower prevalence of heart disease and cancer in midlife. In other words, one can compensate for a deprived childhood by learning later in life how to sustain supportive relationships.
In another series of studies, researchers found that people who are socially isolated are two to five times more likely to die prematurely than those who have a sense of connection and community.
A study at the University of Texas looked at patients who had undergone open-heart surgery. Those who had neither ongoing group participation nor were able to derive strength from their religion were more than seven times more likely to have died six months after their surgery.
Women with metastatic breast cancer were assigned to support groups which met once a week for a year. The women in the support groups lived twice as long as those who were not in these groups.
One study has even found that people with fewer relationships of any kind (e.g., friendship, a partner, family, work, social groups, religious affiliations) were four times as likely to develop a common cold as those who had more relationships.
Interestingly, research showed that people with pets are healthier than people without them and have to make fewer visits to doctors.

Trusting Well

It is difficult to achieve intimacy in a relationship unless we have the ability to trust. We tend to focus on other people when we think about trust – that is, we might ask, who out there can be trusted and who cannot? But it may be more helpful to look inside and to think about trust also as something that we do well, or not. Some people grow up with a good ability to trust appropriately, and others, because of their needs and life experiences, have more difficulty with this issue.

Having a good eye for trust involves having a healthy sense of our own identities – and this means having a positive self-image, the ability to value ourselves and our decisions, and a good sense for protecting our own boundaries. We need to know what we stand for and what is best for us. Trust also involves acquiring a knack for making good judgments. When we have the self-confidence that comes with knowing and liking ourselves, as well as the ability to make life-enhancing decisions, we should be able to decide fairly easily about whom to trust.

Trust between two people emerges from a process of mutual self-disclosure – we gradually reveal more and more about ourselves to the other person until the relationship achieves a sense of intimacy. The first person self-discloses only to the degree that the other person has, in a series of steps. A good balance is maintained between both people. If this balance is disrupted, it is difficult to maintain trust. For example, if one person reveals everything all at once and the other person reveals nothing at all, the balance is broken – and neither party will be able to trust the other. The building of trust is a mutual process that takes time. We feel comfortable revealing things about ourselves when the other person has shown that he or she is willing to take the same risk.

Some people trust blindly. They reveal everything all at once, expecting that the other person will be able to reciprocate immediately. What is more likely is that the other person will feel overwhelmed and may back off from closeness. People who trust blindly may want to look into issues like boundaries, self-image and why they need to be so close so quickly.

Other people find it difficult to trust at all. They may feel protected, but the walls are so high that they may never find an intimate relationship – and what a price to pay for protection! People who have difficulty with opening themselves to trust may want to look into the pain that may have closed them off – and they may want to look into ways of improving their communication skills. The rewards of intimacy are well worth it.

Additional Resources:

Breaking Up – It’s Hard to Do

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 06:14:38 GMT

Breaking Up, Separation, and Divorce Can Be Devastating – But May Also Provide the Opportunity For Self-Examination and a New Beginning

There is nothing easy about ending a love relationship. Breaking up is seldom the ideal resolution to problems within relationships, but all too often is the outcome, despite our best efforts to prevent it. Over the past two or three decades, about half of all marriages have ended in divorce, and the statistics for cohabitation (or living together) are higher than this. The person who was once your best friend and your companion for life, the one who knew you better than anyone else, has now in some ways become your enemy. You cannot believe that this has happened. How could that love have been destroyed? The breakup of a relationship is one of the life’s most emotionally painful experiences. The depth of pain depends on many factors – how sensitive you are to the meaning of your life experiences, how much you have idealized the relationship, and how much you depended on your partner to make your life worthwhile.

A broken relationship shatters much that we have known and dreamed about. Our relationships, especially intimate relationships, help us define who we are. Our values, our views of the world, and how we define our most intimate feelings are all embodied within our love relationships. When our relationship comes to an end, our lives enter a chaotic period for which we may be unprepared. We suddenly find ourselves dealing with a host of emotions and thoughts – grieving, despair, anger, revenge and retaliation, hoping for a miracle, negotiating, feeling out of control, hoping for happiness again and not knowing how to get there, fear, and loneliness – and little of it seems to make sense. (And where is your partner when you need him or her the most?) Most of us have never acquired the tools to deal with a loss of this magnitude. When we entered the relationship, we put our energies into building a life with our partner. We put a little effort into learning to be alone again. A breakup forces us to jump into an overwhelming, and often dreaded, world, of new experiences.

It is comforting to learn that this time of craziness will come to a close. The sun will shine again. The pain of a breakup, if it is approached constructively, can propel people to confront personal issues and to discover who they are at this stage of life. Many people look back on the time following their breakup as the best time in their lives. It may be painful, but it is also a time when a person can feel fully alive and impelled to look within to determine their strengths, abilities, and challenges. The ending of a love relationship follows a predictable set of experiences. It is helpful to recognize the feelings associated with each stage of a breakup and to know that these feelings are normal and expected. If you have difficulty in handling the negative feelings that accompany the phases of the process, it will probably be a challenge to cope effectively as you move toward the completion of the breakup. If you accept your painful feelings and explore why things are difficult, you become better able, as a more integrated person, to see your way to a happier resolution. Let’s look at a few of the predictable stages commonly experienced by those in the process of a breakup.

Denial

Denying the truth of the breakup actually helps us to postpone the pain, so denial certainly has a place in the process, at least initially. A problem occurs when we experience so much denial that we are unable to come to terms with the reality of the task before us. There comes a day when “this is not happening to me” is no longer an effective way of coping. Ending the denial stage involves a major shift in our thinking about ourselves, what our partner means to us, and where we must go from here.

Fear

Most people experiencing a breakup are forced to come to terms with a number of fears. What will people say? Whom can I trust to talk to? How can I handle my partner’s anger toward me? How do I deal with my own anger? Am I a complete failure? How can I be a single parent? What about money? Can I do the banking and buy groceries and pay bills and fix the car? Can I handle my loneliness? Am I completely unlovable? Will I ever love anyone else again? Do I have the energy for this much change? When we are dominated by our fears and feel unable to do anything about them, we increase the likelihood that these will be the very areas where we experience trouble. The best way to handle fear is to confront it head on, with awareness, planning, and support – and this takes courage.

Loneliness

The loneliness a person experiences at the time of a breakup may feel overwhelming. The finality of ending the relationship, uncertainty about the future, as well as the knowledge that your partner will no longer be there to comfort you or to spend time with you, all contribute to an empty feeling that seems as if it will not go away. While you were in the relationship, you defined yourself as being partnered and you felt that you always had someone there to share your experiences. And now you don’t. The clue to dealing with this is to change loneliness to aloneness. Loneliness suggests a longing to be with another person. Aloneness can be a time to see who you are – you have the opportunity to explore your independence and challenge yourself to do things on your own. It can be a valuable time of self-exploration and self-enhancement. Aloneness might not last long, or at least not long enough, so it can be seen as a valuable opportunity.

Friendship

The breakup is a true test of just who your real friends are. It is important to draw on the emotional support of friends during this time. Unfortunately, many of your friends were those who knew you as a couple and they may have to choose between you. Those who try to stay neutral may find it difficult. Some may feel that your breakup somehow threatens their own relationships, and some friends may now find it difficult to relate to you as a single person. Not only that, but you may find it difficult to trust others during a breakup. Getting out, feeling free, trusting wisely, and opening up to others becomes a major goal of healthy adjustment.

Grieving

It is normal, and indeed necessary, to experience a period of grieving over the end of the relationship. You may feel depressed for some time and experience changes in your energy levels, as well as your sleeping and appetite patterns. You may dwell on negative thoughts for a period of time and find it difficult to find pleasure in everyday events. If your negative thinking turns into self-destructive thoughts, you should find a professional therapist who can help you. As unpleasant as this period of grieving may feel, comfort yourself with the knowledge that this is most likely a temporary phase and it is how you are saying goodbye so that you can move on to a healthier and happier future.

Anger

People ending their relationships usually say that they never knew they could have so much anger. The rage seems overwhelming at times. Think about it – you have just lost one of the most important things in your life and your partner may seem like your enemy. You have a lot to be angry about. Use this opportunity to look within – explore your anger and find out how it helps and hurts you. One rule: don’t engage in any behavior you will feel sorry about later on! Because it may be difficult to contain your anger at this time, your partner is not the appropriate target for your anger. Instead, process your anger by talking about it with a trusted friend or therapist. Anger is helpful in the sense that it helps us end the loyalty and trust we used to feel for our partner, and this allows us to move on. Think of the ending of your relationship as a journey, which you take one step at a time. Some of these steps are challenging. Not only do we have to confront all of the stages listed above, but we must also deal with making the final break emotionally, understand what really went wrong, learn to feel comfortable with ourselves again, see ourselves as single people, make new friends, forge new purposes and goals, and learn again about trust and love. As painful as this journey may seem at first, it can lead to a life which is better – and it can be much better.

Dumpers and Dumpees

A breakup seems easiest for couples who decide mutually to end the relationship. In most cases, however, as suggested by Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti, in their book, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, a breakup involves a dumper, the party who takes the initiative to end the relationship, and a dumpee, the one who wants the relationship to continue. Sometimes, when one analyzes the nature of the relationship, it may be difficult to decide just who is the dumper and the dumpee. In general, however, the dumper is the one who says it is all over, and the dumpee is the one in shock who begs the other not to leave. Dumpees often say they were taken completely by surprise by their partner’s announcement. The breakup experience is often very different for each of the two parties. The dumper usually began preparing for the end well before the final announcement, and the actual parting often comes as a relief for the dumper. The primary emotion experienced by the dumper is guilt. The dumpee, on the other hand, is usually hit by surprise and with a great deal of pain. The turmoil of the breakup itself is usually much more intense for the dumpee, but it is this pain that can motivate more personal growth. The main task of the dumpee is to work through feelings of rejection. Both parties usually experience a great deal of pain as their relationship comes to an end, although the pain of guilt is different from the pain of rejection. For a healthy adjustment it is important to recognize which role has been assumed, dumper or dumpee, and to work on the issues appropriate to that role.

How Long Do I Wait Until I Get Into Another Relationship?

Expect that it will take at least a year before things begin to feel at all normal again. For most of us, depending on the length and the nature of our previous relationship, it will take two or three years. This may seem like an eternity, but in reality this is a wonderful and precious opportunity to find out who you are as an unattached individual. A word of warning is in order – don’t expect to involve yourself with someone else immediately! You are on the rebound. To attach yourself prematurely in a love relationship is unfair to you and to the other person. You must deal with important personal issues when your previous love relationship comes to an end. Living through the transition and exploring these issues can be painful – and falling in love again may seem like the perfect way to end the pain. But if you attach yourself again too quickly, before you have a chance to explore the issues which led to your breakup and to start to feel comfortable again as a single and independent individual, the other person becomes a replacement object, and that is not what a healthy relationship is about. You will probably carry into this replacement relationship the same issues that helped to lead to the demise of your former relationship – and similar events may very well happen again. Your real goal is to discover who you are and to explore what happened. When you are at the point of being able to have a happy and fulfilled life as a single person, then you can choose when, or even if, you should involve yourself in another love relationship. When you know that you have that choice, you may be ready.

Additional Resources:

OCD – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 02:10:58 GMT

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder was once thought to be a fairly rare but serious mental problem. Specialists saw it as serious mainly because the behavior of a person with this disorder appears quite abnormal to other people. About one in forty people suffers from OCD, and many cases go undiagnosed, so we now know that it is not so rare a condition. The more researchers discovered about OCD, the more they saw that people with this disorder are normal in most respects.

All of us have habits or patterns of living that make our lives infinitely easier. Our morning grooming routine, for example, repeats itself in just about the same way each day. Think about how chaotic and difficult our lives would be if we didn’t have well-learned habits to rely on and instead had to create a new routine every morning. For the person with OCD, however, this habitual behavior interferes with the smooth flow of everyday living – and these habits cause them anxiety and worry.

People with OCD often feel that they are losing their minds, although this is far from the truth. They realize that their thoughts and behaviors might be seen by others as bizarre, so they try to hide these patterns. This part of their lives is led in secret and they try to present themselves on the outside as being as normal as possible. They might feel that no therapist, and certainly no friend or relative, could possibly understand what they experience privately everyday. It is when the rituals become so time-consuming and the person is no longer able to function on the job or at home that the victim of OCD seeks help. Thus, the number of people with OCD far exceeds the number who actually receive treatment for the disorder. Happily, OCD does not need to be a debilitating life condition. Although there is no cure at this point, the symptoms can be controlled so that OCD need not interfere with normal everyday living.

What is Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is defined by obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors that interfere with a person’s normal routines, daily functioning, or relationships with others. They are distressing to the one who suffers from OCD and they are time-consuming.

Obsessions are persistent thoughts, ideas, impulses, or images that cause anxiety and worry. The person feels that the thoughts are not within his or her control and that the thoughts are not normal. The person suffering from obsessions knows that these thoughts come from within and are not imposed from an outside source.

Compulsions are repetitive behaviors performed in response to obsessive thoughts in order to relieve anxiety or worry. The discomfort of an obsessive thought compels the sufferer to want to contain or neutralize the discomfort by engaging in some ritualistic behavior. These compulsions can be mental acts, such as counting, praying, repeating words silently, or repetitive behaviors such as checking, hand washing, or putting objects in order. People with OCD do not experience pleasure from performing these behaviors – they engage in them in order to avoid some dreaded consequence, such as harm that might come to others or to themselves, if they do not perform the rituals.

To qualify as obsessive-compulsive disorder, the person recognizes that the obsessions or compulsions are excessive or unreasonable. They cause marked distress, are time-consuming (taking up at least one hour per day), and significantly interfere with the person’s normal routine, work or school functioning, or usual social activities or relationships.

OCD is not the same as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, an eating disorder, or superstitious behavior. It is important to realize that OCD is not the same as Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, which is a tendency that some people have to be perfectionists. These people like having order and some rigidity in their lives. People with OCD, on the other hand, are disturbed by their ritualistic patterns.

The onset of OCD is usually gradual, although in some cases, people have reported a sudden onset. When a person has a biological predisposition to OCD, it can be triggered off by stress at home, with a relationship, with friends, or on the job. It is often associated with major life transitions, such as pregnancy, leaving home for the first time, increased levels of responsibility, or health problems.

OCD is linked to anxiety. Not only do the obsessions and compulsions cause the person great anxiety, but they may actually be the way a person alleviates anxiety. When victims of this disorder experience anxiety, they find structure and a degree of comfort in repeating the same thoughts or behaviors over and over again. But engaging in these thoughts and behaviors seems itself to cause further anxiety. This becomes an endless cycle in which the person truly feels trapped.

Some OCD Statistics

About 20% of the people with this disorder have only obsessions or compulsions (but not both), and the remaining 80% experience both obsessions and compulsions. Most people who have obsessive-compulsive disorder will show symptoms prior to the age of 25; only 15% of all OCD sufferers will first show signs after the age of 35. About 15 to 20% have a family member who also suffers from this disorder. Approximately 70% of those with OCD will suffer from a major depression at some point in their lives. There is a slightly higher incidence of OCD in women if it first appears during adolescence. However, if it first shows itself in childhood, boys with OCD outnumber girls by about two to one. What these statistics show is that if you suffer from OCD, you are not alone. People with OCD keep it a secret, so we don’t usually realize how many of the people around us suffer from the same condition.

What Causes OCD?

>Despite the myths that early childhood experiences (like the way one is toilet trained) might lead to OCD, there is no real evidence to support this notion (although one may end up with a particularly rigid personality because of early childhood training). There does seem to be a genetic component to this disorder, however. It runs in families. There is evidence that it may be related to brain chemistry, especially with neurotransmitters such as serotonin. Furthermore, about one-fourth of all those with this disorder seem to have it triggered by a stressful life experience. While the exact cause is not known, it appears that OCD results from a combination of inherited predispositions combined with environmental factors. These environmental factors may include trauma, childhood neglect, family stress, illness, divorce, accidents, as well as major life transitions such as adolescence, leaving home, marriage, parenthood, and retirement.

Some Common OCD Obsessions

People who suffer from this disorder realize that their obsessions do not make sense, but they are not able to put them out of their minds. Here are some common themes in the thoughts of people with OCD:

Fear of getting a disease
Fear of being contaminated or infected by things in the environment
Fear that a disaster will occur
Fear of committing a crime or harming oneself or others
Recurring sexual thoughts and images
Fear of losing things that will be needed later, resulting in hoarding and collecting things
Concern over order, structure, exactness
Excessive worry over religious issues, morality, and issues of right and wrong

Some Common OCD Compulsions or Rituals

In order to reduce anxiety caused by obsessions, people with OCD feel that they have to do something, so they engage in ritualistic behaviors. The fears soon return, however, and they have to start the rituals all over again. Here are some common ones:

Grooming behaviors, like washing hands repeatedly
Changing clothes again and again
Counting to oneself over and over
Arranging things in a certain ritualistic way
Checking light switches, stove burners, locks, or electrical outlets constantly
Hoarding things like magazines or mail

Some Common OCD Patterns

Counting and Repeating : Some people with OCD feel that they have to count things, like passing automobiles or the number of seconds it takes to brush one’s teeth. They may feel that they have to repeat a word a certain number of times in order to protect themselves or someone else from harm, or they may feel that they have to change clothes repeatedly before leaving the house.

Protecting Against Contamination : The most common form of compulsion is repeated cleaning and washing. Some OCD sufferers may wash their hands thirty, forty, or more times a day, or they may take a shower several times throughout the course of a day. If someone has come into the house, they may later scrub the house thoroughly to avoid possible exposure to germs or other contaminants.

Checking : A common OCD compulsion involves checking things over and over again to make sure that everything is in order. A person may check the locks on the doors repeatedly or go through all the light switches in the house to make sure that they are turned off. They know logically that everything is alright, but they have a secret feeling that things should be checked again and again. They may go over a report on the job or at school so often that they cannot get things in on time.

Hoarding : Some people cannot throw out anything. In order not to lose anything of importance, they will save old mail, newspapers, magazines, old clothes, dead plants, or used containers until it becomes impossible to maneuver through the house.

Strange Movements : Sometimes rituals can be seen in the form of odd movements, like making every fourth step a skip while walking or rotating one’s neck a certain number of times before entering a room.

Being Scrupulous : Some people with OCD will do anything to avoid certain thoughts or actions. For example, their obsessions may lead them to avoid certain words in their speech, certain places, some items of clothing, or consuming certain foods or drinks.

IS THERE HELP FOR OCD?

Although there is no absolute cure for OCD at this point, there is substantial help available for those who suffer from this disorder. Life for the OCD sufferer can become normalized so that the symptoms don’t interfere with everyday living. With effective treatment, people with this disorder can live full, productive, and normal lives.

Psychotherapy, including cognitive-behavioral therapy, is an important part of recovery from OCD. This form of therapy provides the tools and skills necessary for managing obsessional and compulsive behavior. One helpful therapeutic tool used with OCD is exposure and response prevention. This technique reduces the anxiety associated with obsessive thoughts through a process called habituation. When a person is exposed to anxiety repeatedly, the nervous system gradually adjusts to the anxiety (just as our hands adjust to being dipped in cold water after a period of time). Thus, we learn to tolerate the anxiety associated with obsessive thinking and decrease the need to engage in compulsive techniques for reducing the anxiety. Psychotherapy also aims to challenge the faulty thinking patterns that drive and maintain the obsessive thoughts. Another valuable technique is called mindfulness, in which we increase our awareness of the thoughts that guide our debilitating behavior. Supportive therapy with a concerned professional can help the person to gain knowledge and courage to try to deal with anxieties without resorting to obsessional thoughts and compulsive behavior.

An important component of therapy is to bring other family members into the process so that they can learn appropriate ways of coping with the disorder and provide a supportive and understanding environment for the sufferer.

Most people who suffer from OCD try to keep their condition secret and may engage in denial. The first step in overcoming this debilitating circumstance is to make an appointment to talk to a professional psychotherapist. The sessions with your therapist are safe, trustworthy, and supportive. Getting your condition under control is a challenge – but things will only get better after making that first call. Help and hope are just a phone call away.

Additional Resources:

Social Anxiety – Overcoming Shyness

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 00:29:59 GMT

Ask people what they fear the most and many of them will answer, “speaking in public.” In surveys that ask people about their fears, about one person in five reports an extreme fear of public speaking. Shyness and other forms of social anxiety are common – and they prevent people from fully experiencing life.

Shyness refers to a tendency to withdraw from people, particularly people who are unfamiliar. Everyone has some degree of shyness. In fact a person without any shyness at all is probably one who does not make good judgments about maintaining appropriate boundaries between people. A bit of shyness is a good thing. But when a high level of shyness prevents a person from engaging in normal social interactions, from functioning well at work, or from developing intimate relationships, it presents a problem – which, fortunately, can be alleviated.

Shyness is one form of the broader term, social anxiety. This concept, also known as social phobia, refers to a special kind of anxiety that people feel when they are around other people. It is associated with concerns about being scrutinized. Shyness and social anxiety are closely related, but social anxiety includes other situations such as speaking in public, taking tests, sports performance, and dating. Closely related to the concepts of shyness and social anxiety are embarrassment and shame. Embarrassment is what a person feels when something unexpected happens and draws unwanted attention (such as knocking over a glass of water in a restaurant). This creates a temporary feeling of discomfort. Shame, on the other hand, is more long-lasting. Shame is a feeling that comes from being disappointed in oneself.

Who are the people most likely to suffer from social anxiety? Parents recognize that some children are easily frightened from birth on and cry a great deal, while others seem more resilient by temperament (they seldom cry, hardly ever get upset, and are less easily frightened). Some children love to explore the world around them. Others are cautious and don’t tolerate change well. Children who are inhibited are more likely to have a parent with social anxiety disorder. An anxious person is more likely to have a parent or sibling who suffers from depression. Many people with social anxiety disorder report having one or both parents who have a substance abuse problem such as drinking or come from a family in which:

there is substantial conflict between the adults,
parents are overly critical of the children (where things are never good enough), and
there is excessive concern about what other people think.

National surveys find that about five percent of children and adolescents suffer from a social anxiety disorder. Children with an anxiety problem seldom report that they are feeling anxious. Instead, they report the presence of physical symptoms, which include headaches, stomach aches, nausea, rapid heartbeat, dry mouth, blushing, dizziness, and shortness of breath. They try to avoid the following situations – speaking in class, taking tests, reading aloud, writing on the board, inviting friends over to play, eating in front of others, going to parties, and playing sports. Children and adolescents with social anxiety disorder may go on to develop other related problems, such as loneliness, depression, and low self-esteem. Although some children will overcome their shyness in time, as interactions with others cause their fears to dissipate, others will experience a worsening of symptoms. If a child shows symptoms by the age of six that have not improved by the age of ten, it is probably time to seek a professional intervention.

Defeating Social Anxiety

There are three stages that people experience in overcoming problems with social anxiety –

Identify the patterns of anxiety
Change the thinking that accompanies anxiety-provoking situations
Change the anxious behavior

Identifying the Patterns of Anxiety

People often see the distressful symptoms of social anxiety as their enemy, so they try to avoid thinking about it. In order to overcome social anxiety, however, it is necessary to “embrace” the anxiety. That is, sufferers need to identify the features of their anxiety and acknowledge these characteristics as their own. When people fully understand a problem, they are better able to cope with it. Shutting out the problem, on the other hand, keeps it in the dark where it is difficult to work with.

People often become aware of anxiety by identifying their physical reactions, which include a racing heartbeat, flushing, upset stomach, excessive perspiration, dizziness, poor concentration, and shaky hands. It is important to understand whether these physical reactions take place before (anticipatory anxiety), during, or after the anxiety-provoking situation.

Some people cope with anxiety by engaging in avoidance behavior. This happens when the person tries to stay away from situations that arouse anxiety. This is helpful in some circumstances, such as avoiding driving during rush hour. However, when the person starts to avoid business meetings, taking classes, and socializing with friends because of anxiety, the impact on one’s lifestyle can be constricting. A related symptom of anxiety is escape behavior, which involves leaving a situation that arouses anxiety. This can include running out of a class when the time to speak is near, leaving a party shortly after arriving, or exiting the airplane before it departs.

A helpful exercise, after examining one’s physical reactions and other behaviors associated with anxiety, is to set goals which would be achievable if the anxiety were not present. These goals should be specific. For example,

1.) Enroll in a music class next month,

2.) Make a date with Bonnie for lunch next Thursday,

3.) Make a presentation at the next business meeting.

Establishing these goals increases one’s awareness of what life could be like if the anxiety were conquered – and it serves as a motivator for coming to terms with anxiety. If the goals are actually achieved, the stage is set for practicing some behaviors that directly address symptoms of anxiety.

The anxiety sufferer is acutely aware of physical symptoms, much more so than other people are. There are a number of tactics one can use to influence these symptoms –

Accepting the symptoms – when a person fights against the symptoms, anxiety actually increases. A better strategy is simply to accept the symptoms. Don’t fight them. Just let them happen. Then let them pass.

Changing one’s focus – Shift your attention to the external environment rather than focusing on the symptoms.

Masking the symptoms – This provides a temporary way of getting through an anxiety-provoking situation until the symptoms come under better control. For example, wear a sweater to hide underarm perspiration.

Learning relaxation techniques – A therapist can provide a number of ways to get one’s body to relax, including deep muscle relaxation and deep breathing. Practicing these techniques everyday, and not just prior to an anxiety situation, is a powerful way to regulate symptoms that now seem out of control.

Changing the Thoughts Which Accompany Anxiety –

Those who suffer from social anxiety engage in excessive self-focus. Their thoughts focus internally on themselves rather than on the external world around them – and this only serves to increase anxiety levels. Furthermore, excessive focus on the internal symptoms means that one loses important information about what is going on externally, and it may give others the impression that the anxiety sufferer is trying to be distant from them.

The following process provides a way to modify excessive self-focus and replace it with a healthier, other-directed approach –

When feeling anxious, remind yourself to focus on others.
Think about the other person, what this person is trying to say, how the other person feels, etc.
If your attention moves back to your anxiety, try not to feel that you are failing.
Just let it pass and refocus on the other person.
Try to avoid planning your responses to the other person.
Allow yourself to have some spontaneous reactions to others.
Try not to engage in mind-reading – that is, trying to figure out what other people are thinking about you. They are probably much more interested in themselves.

Socially anxious people also engage in negative thinking, especially about themselves. They emphasize their weaknesses and minimize their strengths. Virtually any negative thought can be changed into a positive. For example, “I am a failure because of my anxiety” can be changed into “I am facing a life challenge to show how strong I can be as I overcome my anxiety.”

Change the Anxious Behavior

The single most important strategy for overcoming social anxiety is to face your fear. Get back on the horse again. Take the car out for a drive once more. Go swimming again. Get back on an airplane. Give another speech before an audience. Go to another dinner party. Ask somebody else to go out on a date. Managing your physical symptoms and changing your thinking do little good unless you come to terms with your fears by getting back into anxiety-provoking situations. Doing this takes courage. Avoiding it perpetuates the problem.

When you put yourself back into the anxious situation, realize that there are coping mechanisms that you may not have used before. You know that you can change your negative thinking and you can manage your physical symptoms. And facing the anxious situations can be done gently, one step at a time.

First, develop some practice assignments that directly challenge your fears. Make sure they are relevant to the anxiety. Make the assignments increasingly more difficult. And make sure that you can repeat them for practice. For example, if you fear public speaking, start out with making conversation with one person. Then move on to talking to a group of two or three people. Then talk to five people in an informal group. Move on to asking a question in a formal business meeting. Then talk at more length in the business meeting. And finally, after you have repeated all of these steps several times, find a way to speak in public to a large group.

As you practice going into anxiety-provoking situations, remember to relax your body. Deep breathing techniques are especially effective. Practice deep breathing until you can put your body into a relaxed state on purpose. Then go into the anxiety-provoking situations in a relaxed state. You’ll be ready to face your anxiety. It takes courage, each step of the way, but you can be successful.

Develop Your Conversational Skills

Anyone can master the art of having good conversations with others. Those who are shy or socially anxious may see this as an unattainable goal, but with enough practice, and using the right techniques, it can enhance the quality of social life.

The first skill to acquire is making eye contact. Shy people may avoid eye contact at all costs, but this perpetuates self-focus and anxiety. When you are listening to someone else, maintain steady eye contact with that person. If you are doing the talking, vary your eye contact – that is, have eye contact about half the time, and then look away for a few seconds. (Note, however, that different cultures have different rules for eye contact.) Also understand the value of smiling, which is a non-verbal cue that you are approachable and interested in talking to the other person.

Learn the value of good listening. The other half of conversation, and it is perhaps as important as talking, is playing the role of listener. Allow other people to complete their thoughts. Encourage the other person to talk by maintaining good eye contact, using gestures such as nodding your head in agreement, and making supportive comments or asking brief questions.

People who are shy frequently say that they cannot go up to another person to start a conversation. This represents avoidance. Start out by initiating as many brief interactions throughout the day as possible. Smile and say hello when you pass someone. Tell the postal worker or grocery checkout person to have a good day. Make a comment in the elevator, such as, “Isn’t this perhaps the slowest elevator in the world?” Before long, making the initial contact will seem easy.

Finally, learn the value of small talk. Many shy people say that they don’t want to waste their time on trivial talk – or they also say they don’t know what to talk to other people about. It is important to understand, however, that people need the small talk before moving onto heavier topics. Small talk can comprise anything from commenting on the weather to griping about the price of milk. In order to avoid conflict, however, it is best to dodge talking about religion or politics – at least initially.

Additional Resources:

Enhancing Your Emotionally Committed Relationship

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 00:22:44 GMT

“To become acquainted with oneself is a terrible shock.”
-Carl Jung

Emotionally committed relationships bring excitement and passion into our lives, especially when they are new. Over time, however, we come across roadblocks based in personal issues that can distance us from our partners. When we first enter into a committed relationship, we may think that we have found the answer to life’s problems, that we have a partner to share in daily turmoil, that we will never be alone again, that it will be smooth sailing from here on out. If we base relationships on these assumptions, however, we may be sorely disappointed when our partners fail to live up to these expectations.

There is a strong probability that if we look to another person to provide fulfillment, we will begin to focus on the failings of that person as the cause of our own disappointment. This pattern is the reason for a great deal of discord in committed relationships. Many people who come in for relationship therapy actually hope that the therapy will change their partner because they are convinced that the partner is the source of the problem.

Overtime many relationships enter a stage where the partners feel distanced from each other. The initial passion, sexual freedom, intimacy, and feelings of connectedness with the partner fade. Either person may begin to feel that, although they love their partner, they are no longer “in love.” At the same time, both partners may feel that they have lost themselves in the relationship. They have given so much to the relationship in terms of their time, their energies, and their emotions that they have lost what made them feel unique as individuals. They have abandoned old friendships, hobbies, and activities that brought interest and excitement to their own lives in order to devote time and energy to the relationship. When a feeling of distance comes to define the relationship, resentment toward the partner may emerge.

How does a relationship, which may have once such promise, end up in a place where the two partners feel distant and may not even like each other very much (even though they feel that love is still there)? The answer lies within. Two people who come together in an emotional commitment carry with them a legacy of their own fears, anxieties and unresolved problems. It is sometimes uncomfortable for us to come to terms with our own baggage. It is, in fact, so troublesome that we are unable to look within ourselves. When that happens, we tend to attribute the problem to our partners, a process called projection. Rather than accepting the fact that our partners are just being themselves and probably have the best of intentions, we define the source of our own anxiety as lying within the other person. When we feel uncomfortable about something our partners say or do, we may not realize that our discomfort may derive from a source that we have not examined within ourselves – like our own control issues, our jealousy, our insecurity, or our fear of dependence or independence. Our partners may simply be triggering our own unresolved difficulties. The clue is to search within our own lives to see why we have difficulty with these issues. And this is no small task. To become acquainted with oneself is indeed a terrible shock.

The Course of a Relationship

Relationships mature over time. The initial attraction be physical, and this may carry the relationship for some time to the point of making an emotional commitment. Then the excitement and promise of sharing our life with another person can lead to a stage of heightened expectations where we ignore or minimize the discomfort that we may feel from time to time in the relationship. But this stage comes to an end and we finally express our frustration. “Why are you always telling me what to do” “Cant you give me any time to myself” “Don’t you know who I am” “Why don’t you shower me with love like you used to” Notice in these examples that blame is cast on the other person. The one hurling the blame does not look within (for example, I have difficulty because of my own issues when someone tells me what to do”).

This is a particularly vulnerable stage in the course of an emotionally committed relationship, and can serve as a make or break challenge. It is at this stage that an equilibrium – or, more accurately, a standoff – is reached by the two partners. “I won’t challenge you and you won’t challenge me, and well just accept the fact that we will be distant from each other.” In contrast, healthier relationships move into a different and more mature stage – where both partners look within to find the source of their own anxiety, find ways to Soothe themselves without trying to change the other person, and learn to accept and love the other person despite their frustrating quirks. When this occurs, and when the distance between the partners has been resolved, the genuine excitement and passion of the relationship can continue to flourish – this time in a mature, accepting, and integrated manner.

Differentiation

David Schnarch, Ph.D., the author of Passionate Marriage, suggests that in order to grow within an emotionally committed relationship, we must experience the process of differentiation.” This means holding onto yourself within a relationship, staying true to what you want out of life while sharing your life with a partner. Differentiation allows us to break free from the negative processes that happen between partners in any relationship. It allows us to take a time out from arguments in order to comfort ourselves. It leads to self-control, which means that we can stop trying to control our partners. The differentiated partner is able to soothe him- or herself rather than pressuring the other person to change in order to make the first one feel better. Paradoxically, when partners differentiate, they actually have the ability to achieve more intimacy, while undifferentiated partners can stay locked in their emotional standoff. And when one partner differentiates, it upsets the old equilibrium that had developed so that the other partner is prompted to make changes as well. In short, a healthy relationship is one in which two people, each of whom has a firm sense of self, come together and celebrate both their differences and their similarities.

Schnarch identifies several activities that happen when a person differentiates.

– Maintaining a clear sense of who you are within the relationship. Your partner was probably originally attracted to you because of the strength of your unique qualities. Both of you knew what you valued and believed in. Over time, because we accommodate ourselves to both our own and our partners more immature qualities and unresolved issues, we lose our sense of uniqueness. We compromise ourselves with the goal of smoothing out conflicts and fail to realize that we are losing our sense of self in the process. We may find that we have lost those qualities that were once so attractive to our partner. Differentiation involves looking within, gaining a firm definition of who we are, and celebrating our uniqueness.

– Maintaining a sense of perspective. We need to accept the fact that we all have anxieties and other shortcomings. This is part of the human condition. The mature person, however, understands that these frailties need not determine our behavior. Our limits should neither incapacitate nor drive us. When we honestly accept this fact both in ourselves and in our partners, we can take a more balanced approach in dealing with each others limitations. The peaks and valleys of crises can be smoothed out. The blaming can come to an end, replaced by acceptance and love for the other person.

– Committing to a willingness to engage in self-confrontation. Looking within is difficult, but it is a necessary step both in our own life development and in helping our relationships to grow to new levels. Self-confrontation means coming to terms with our own fears, anxieties, and insecurities, a process that may be aided by professional psychotherapy. It may mean accepting the criticisms of our partners as valuable feedback about where our insecurities lie. Self-examination can focus on understanding how and why we manipulate others, undermine our own effectiveness, take a selfish approach at times (or, alternatively, give to others and never to ourselves), and work against our own best interests. We need to understand why we avoid ourselves, and then we need to make an honest commitment to enter into a path of honesty and integrity.

– Acknowledging our projections and distortions of reality that protect us from ourselves. We need to understand why we blame others, especially our emotionally committed partners, rather than acknowledging our own participation in interpersonal conflicts. This involves admitting when we are wrong. We should not expect that our partners will do likewise. Taking an honest approach toward our own lives is a tough, but rewarding, journey into personal integrity. When we embark on the trip, our partners, who are no longer feeling blamed and know that the old emotional standoffs have been eliminated, will often decide to begin their own excursions into self-growth.

– Learning to tolerate the pain involved in self-exploration. Dealing with emotional pain is a talent, which can be learned. In childhood many of us learned unhealthy ways of handling discomfort, often because we lacked supportive role modeling from our parents or other adults that would have taught us how to deal with pain in a healthier way. We may have learned to blame our parents when we faced lifes difficulties, and then we carry this blaming behavior into our committed relationships in adulthood. Avoiding pain is the reason many adults indulge in substance abuse or other addictive behaviors such as gambling, inordinate spending, or watching too much television. The healthier option is to make the adult commitment to explore the pain and its sources – and to find ways to make self-growth a friend rather than something to avoid. When we learn to cope with our own pain, we no longer need to manipulate our partners into making us feel better. And when this happens, the magic can re-enter our relationships.

Learn to Self-Soothe in the Face of Conflict

We blame our partners when we feel discomfort, and this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. The distance, then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The clue to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain. This can open the way to more passion and closeness in your relationship. Schnarch offers several suggestions for helping people to learn the art of self-soothing.

– Don’t take your partner’s behavior personally.

Even if your partner doesn’t make all the changes that you’ve made, it should not be taken personally. If you and your partner are having a conflict, try some inwardly focused relaxation techniques. Focus on your breathing. Stop talking and try to slow your heart rate. Lower the volume of your speech and work on relaxing your body.

– Put the current conflict into perspective.

Think about past instances of the same type of conflict. What resources did you use in the past for dealing with the conflict? Think about how discomfort will surface again in the future – and if you learn now how to deal with it, you will be better off in these future instances.

– Control your behavior, even if you can’t regulate your emotions.

While we may have difficulty in controlling our emotions, especially in the face of a conflict, we can have control over our behavior. Prevent yourself from saying and doing things that you will regret later. Tell yourself: “I don’t have to take action on my feelings.”

– Stop the negative thinking.

Our thoughts drive our feelings and behavior. When you find yourself engaged in negative thinking, make the change to more positive thoughts. Accept what is happening and then calm down.

– You may have to break contact temporarily with your partner until things cool down.

When you are engaged in a conflict, you may need some time to get in touch with yourself again. Look on this as a time-out, not a separation. Tell your partner that you need some time alone to calm down and that you can discuss the issue better later after both of you have had some space for each other.

– Self-soothing does not involve substance abuse, the abuse of food, or emotional regression.

You need time to confront yourself and understand what your part in the conflict may be. This does not mean hiding out, sleeping, binge-eating, or the use of drugs or alcohol, which are all ways to avoid self-confrontation.

Additional Resources:

Make The Stress Of Mothering Less Smothering

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 13:29:37 GMT

Pressure is part of the fabric of modern life. Working together with your spouse can make that pressure a little less stressful.

Jeffery waltzed into the kitchen wearing his underwear on his head. Suzie knocked over her juice as she poured milk over her bowl of Frosted Flakes. And Dave, running late for work, sprinted through the room searching for some lost item.

Jennifer mopped up Suzie’s juice while she quietly ran over her agenda for the day in her head: kids to day camp, grocery shopping, kids from day camp, lunch, laundry…

“Have you seen my keys?” asked Dave.

“They’re on your dresser,” Jennifer replied. “Right next to the dry cleaning receipt. And don’t forget to pick-up the dry cleaning. Jacob’s wedding is tomorrow.”

Welcome to an average morning at the Schultz’s.

If you’re a mom, you probably understand Jennifer’s role. Sometimes you feel like a parent. Sometimes a playmate. Sometimes an air traffic controller. And sometimes, it’s overwhelming.

The Schultz’s are a normal family. Everyone seems to depend on Jennifer a lot, which is also very normal. But just because it’s normal doesn’t make her life any easier. I can almost feel the pressure building as each new thing is added to Jennifer’s “to do” list.

How can Jennifer reduce the stress in her life? She can start by realizing she doesn’t have to be Superwoman. It’s quiet common today for a mom with young kids to feel the pressure to live up to unrealistic expectations. She doesn’t have to do everything, and she doesn’t have to do it alone.

If Jennifer is feeling overwhelmed, she should know it’s O.K. to ask for help.

Jennifer might want to communicate her need for help to Dave. In a relationship, roles tend to form naturally. Identifying tasks is a good way to divvy up activities. Maybe Dave could help the kids with breakfast. Maybe he could just clean up breakfast spills.

Whatever happens, the key is that expectations are clearly stated. A lot of women have unspoken expectations and when those expectations aren’t met, the women get frustrated. It’s usually not even that her husband wouldn’t help, he just doesn’t know what’s expected of him.

Another big issue with a lot of women is that their husbands don’t see what needs to be done. As a wife, you may think: “I shouldn’t have to ask. Can’t he see the juice dripping off the table?” But often a guy really doesn’t see how he can help — you need to ask. And you need to be very specific. Many men aren’t aware of the same things women are. It’s not that they’re dumb, they’re just wired different. Try to communicate you needs clearly and you may be surprised at the response.

Also, if you have a husband that acts like another kid, you may need to try to set new patterns. For instance, if Dave constantly misplaces his keys, then maybe Jennifer needs to hang a hook by the door so Dave’s keys have a place.

Another important – perhaps the most important thing for Jennifer is to be sure to make time for herself. If she burns herself out, she won’t have anything left to give to the family. She needs to make time a least once a week to do whatever recharges her batteries. Whether that’s walking, working out, time out with the girls, or whatever.

A friend of mine loves to read but could never find time for it. When I suggested she make time by setting aside 30 minutes of reading time, she couldn’t stop talking about how great it felt.

How can Dave help Jennifer keep her life balanced? If he senses her Stress-O-Meter is peaking, there’s two things he can do: 1. He can ask where she needs help, 2. He can remind her to make time for herself.

Some men who want to be helpful just jump in and end up getting in the way. It’s a better idea for a man to ask what he can do. Chances are his assistance will be more on-target and more appreciated if he just gets direction.

And even better than reminding his wife to make time for herself, he can help her make time. He can offer to watch the kids while your she jumps on the treadmill or runs out shopping with a friend. Surely, she’ll return the favor.

Pressure is part of the fabric of modern life. Working together with your spouse can make that pressure a little less stressful.

By Laura L. Bokar, Ed.D., L.C.P.C., L.M.F.T., A.C.S

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/article/stepfamily-life/
https://fvinstitute.com/article/improving-togetherness-by-making-family-time-a-scheduled-event/
https://fvinstitute.com/article/setting-boundaries-can-bring-a-family-closer/
https://fvinstitute.com/article/5-tips-blended-families/

5 Tips for Blended Families

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 12:50:30 GMT

Suzanne W. Keenon, MA, LCPC

The blended family is very common today.

Forty percent of married couples with children (i.e., families) in the US are stepcouples (at least one partner had a child from a previous relationship before marriage; this includes full and part-time residential stepfamilies and those with children under and/or over the age of 18). The percentage of all married couple households is 35% (Karney, B.R., Garvan, C.W., & Thomas, M.S., 2003)

How do we combat these statistics? We become aware of the myths and the facts, so we can make decisions that will build blended families that will thrive.

The myth is the blended family bonds quickly

The truth is, it requires an enormous amount of time, an enormous amount of work, and an enormous amount of love and self-sacrifice. The following suggestions will help your two families blend more easily.

1. Form relationships.

Get to know each child before you even start thinking about the discipline aspect of this new relationship. The biological parent should do the disciplining in the beginning. Spend time with each child getting to know their likes, dislikes, fears, hopes, and dreams. Allow them to choose the activity and participate with little criticism or comment. Children respond more quickly when they feel accepted, safe, secure, and loved.

Do not try to be a replacement for their biological parent. Honor the absent parent. They may be grieving this relationship and resent the time you spend with their mother or father. You may be ready for a new relationship but they may not. They were not looking for a new parent, you were.

2. Give them space.

The best move is into a house that is new for both families. There is no new stranger encroaching on anyone’s turf. If this is not possible, give each child their own room if you can. Children need their own space to process and to have some alone time.

Forcing children to room with others who only a short time ago were total strangers is very stressful.

3. One-of- a-kind.

Assist each child as they find where they “fit” in this newly created family. A son, for example, who used to be the oldest may now be the youngest. He may find it difficult adjusting to losing his position in the family structure. Continue to spend time with your biological children that is separate from your new children to remind them how much they are loved.

If you treat all the children as if they were all the same, they will lose their uniqueness and the feeling that they are special.

4. Lower expectations.

Give this process lots and lots of time. Start establishing the relationship with all the children long before you remarry. On average it takes two to four years to establish family history. Do not expect them to immediately love this new parent who is now competing for your time and affection. Many children lose a parent to death or divorce. They may have had to change homes, schools, and churches. Their support system that consisted of their sports team, youth group, or grandparents may be too far away to visit as often. It takes time to adjust to all of these changes that have turned the lives of your children upside down.

5. Make new traditions.

Create experiences that involve all members of the new family. Take some traditions from each family and blend them into new traditions that are unique to the newly formed family. This creates feelings of belonging. Establishing your own traditions communicates to all the children, you are accepted and loved.

Reference:

Karney, B.R., Garvan, C.W., & Thomas, M.S. (2003). Published report by the University of Florida: Family Formation in Florida: 2003 Baseline Survey of Attitudes, Beliefs, and Demographics Relating to Marriage and Family Formation. These findings were replicated in two other state representative samples.

Suzanne W. Keenon MA, LCPC

Suzanne W Keenon is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who sees individuals, couples, and families at Fox Valley Institute. She can be reached at 630-718-0717 ext 212 or at suzanne@fvinstitute.com . For immediate assistance to schedule an appointment, please connect with one of our Client Care Specialists at 630.718.0717, ext. 240.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/article/5-tips-blended-families/
https://fvinstitute.com/article/stepfamily-life/
https://fvinstitute.com/article/improving-togetherness-by-making-family-time-a-scheduled-event/
https://fvinstitute.com/article/setting-boundaries-can-bring-a-family-closer/
https://fvinstitute.com/article/5-tips-blended-families/
https://fvinstitute.com/tips-on-parenting-dealing-with-back-talk/
https://fvinstitute.com/the-dream-of-a-family-coping-with-infertility/

School Refusal

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 11:52:54 GMT

Cindy Baleskie, MA, LCPC

Riley is a 15-year- old sophomore. She typically gets straight A’s, and her teachers praise her for being a model student. She plays on the varsity volleyball team and is involved with student government. During first semester, she missed two weeks of school due to an illness. Since returning to school, she frequently complains of headaches and stomachaches in the morning. She has stayed home from school at least once a week, and when she is at school, she often calls her parents from the nurse’s office, asking to go home. At home, she naps or binge- watches TV shows all day. She is failing three classes due to incomplete assignments. When her parents try to discuss her school work, she cries and becomes angry. Her parents are becoming increasingly concerned because she seems to have lost her enthusiasm and motivation for everything, including her friends.

Unfortunately, Riley’s story is one that many families can relate to. Parents frequently seek support from our therapists for school avoidant behaviors in their children. We tend to view school refusal as a symptom of emotional distress.

Common reasons students refuse to attend school include the following:

Avoid feelings of anxiety, fear, or incompetence related to academic pressure
Avoid social situations that cause anxiety, such as attending a new school or being bullied
Gain benefits of staying home, such as special attention or the ability to play video games
Lack of motivation and energy due to depression, anxiety, or substance abuse

Parents and teachers often notice the following symptoms:

-physical complaints, such as headache, stomachache, vomiting, and fatigue
-frequent requests to stay home from school, tardiness, or visits to the nurse’s office
-drop in grades due to incomplete work
-change in mood, such as increased irritability, sadness, tearfulness, or feelings of being overwhelmed or hopeless

What can parents do?

Get Support from the School: First, meet with the school counselor or social worker to create a

plan of action. School personnel will often collaborate with the teachers to create a modified schedule for missing assignments that is more manageable to the student. They will help identify a safe space for the student to go if they feel overwhelmed, such as meeting with the social worker to discuss the source of the stress, rather than avoiding the stress by going home. If there is a difficult social situation, the school will do their best to help the student become more comfortable or cope with a situation that cannot be changed.

Don’t Enable the Behavior: If your child is refusing to attend school, be honest with school personnel rather than saying that they are sick. This will only delay the consequences and decrease the school’s ability to support your child in an appropriate way. Eliminate the Rewards of Staying Home: This may mean taking away video games, WiFi, or TV. Do not allow your child to participate in recreational or social activities if they do not attend school.

Listen: Create a safe environment for your child to express their feelings. Avoid shaming your child or minimizing their challenges. Empathize with how difficult, scary, or frustrating situations like these can be. Collaborate with your child on finding solutions so they feel more empowered.

Provide Structure: Create healthy morning, afternoon, and evening routines that support time management, organization, and positive momentum.

Seek Help from a Professional: A therapist will help your child learn to communicate about their concerns more effectively, cope with difficult feelings in a healthy way, and build upon your child’s strengths. A therapist can also collaborate with school personnel to support their efforts in the classroom. An added benefit of working with a therapist is that they will provide support and encouragement to parents who can feel discouraged about their efforts to help their child.

For additional tips, check out these suggestions published by Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health.

If you would like to consult with one of our licensed therapists about your child’s behavior,

please call 630.718.0717 or visit our website at www.fvinstitute.com .

Additional Resources:

Survivors of Suicide

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 11:10:10 GMT

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Each year nearly 43,000 people die by suicide and for every person who dies, 25 others have attempted to take their own lives. Despite these staggering figures, suicide is still something that people don’t want to think about and try desperately to avoid talking about except in a flippant way. There is a stigma around mental illness and suicide that impacts the access to help, as well as the healing of survivors of suicide loss. Well-meaning people say things all the time, in ignorance, that perpetuate the stigma; “I can’t believe how selfish he was. She was nuts. They took the easy way out.” These statements may express the feelings of anger, resentment, and confusion that are a part of processing suicide death, but when they are held on to or perpetuated as beliefs about suicide in general, they create a barrier to healing for those struggling with suicidal thoughts, as well as those dealing with the loss of a loved one to suicide.

Suicide is different from other deaths. Many of the feelings that others who have lost loved ones have are there; anger, sadness, despair. But shame, guilt and isolation are so much more prominent for survivors of suicide loss. Grieving the death of a loved one who took their own life is often shrouded in stigma and silenced by shame. Survivors struggle to understand, to find ways to explain what happened and are frequently tormented by the “what ifs and if onlys”. Survivors want comfort and not more questions. Often well-meaning, the questions about what happened only serve to trigger the shame and guilt and remind us of all the unanswerable questions we have about the death as well. In our attempts to manage our own pain, it is a struggle for many survivors to acknowledge to others that the death of their loved one was a suicide.

With any loss, we go through phases of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and eventually Acceptance. Much of this is the same no matter the type of loss. But anger, a normal part of the grieving process, is complicated in suicide bereavement. It is normal for survivors to experience anger at that which caused the death; cancer, a drunk driver or some other senseless tragedy. With suicide, our anger at the cause is frequently anger with the person we have lost. This is a confusing and heart wrenching experience that can complicate the healing process. Acceptance is further complicated by the societal stigma of mental illness in general. If we can’t talk about the loss, fearing judgment or shame, it makes it very hard to progress through the stages of grief and get to acceptance.

For all these reasons, support groups specifically for survivors of suicide loss are so important. Having a place where survivors can openly discuss what happened is essential for many people. Knowing that there are others that have a shared experience and that there will be understanding and compassion for them and for the loved one who died by suicide, can make all the difference.

When suicide has been in the top ten causes of death for over 40 years, and we still can’t give it the level of serious attention it deserves, we know things have to change. We need to consider mental illness a real and present issue deserving of the same level of attention and compassion that we give to victims of cancer or other illnesses. Don’t hide it. Talk about it. Together we can end the stigma.

If you have lost a loved one to suicide, or you know someone who has, there are places to seek help. Both the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the American Association for Suicidology have numerous resources to help those who have lost a loved one to suicide.

http://www.supportaftersuicide.org.au/
https://fvinstitute.com/services/survivors-and- bereavement-support/

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/survivors-of-suicide/
https://fvinstitute.com/resilience-the-ability-to-bounce-back/
https://fvinstitute.com/grieving-our-heartfelt-response-to-a-major-loss/

Suffering, And Then Recovery

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 10:56:38 GMT

Suffering

Your grief is your grief. Anger is also part of suffering. At first, it is difficult to experience your feelings because of the numbness. As the numbness wears off your feelings will be intense. Anger is a sign of protest. It is a normal and predictable emotion during a crisis or after a loss. It’s a way of fighting back when you feel helpless. Expressions of anger against injustices have always been with us. The loss of men and women working in the World Trade Center and the loss of the rescue workers put our country into shock and grief. And people were angry. We may even be angry at those who haven’t had to experience what we’ve been through. It’s unfair. “Why should they be let off the hook when I am in such pain?”

Recovery

You move from the hollow mind of grief to a human being who still lives. It’s when you force yourself to go to work, to visit friends, or to take a trip. You realize you are needed in your work, wanted by your friends, and travel is a welcome distraction and even pleasurable. Another indicator that you are healing; you are less dependent on friends and family and there is more balance in your life. Action by itself is a healthy release of emotions. Facing your situation spurs you into action sooner. A willingness to search for joy is a good creative first step.

Additional Resources:

Engaging In Simple, Healthy Pleasures Can Restore Balance To Our Hectic Lives

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 10:45:57 GMT

Pleasure guides us to better health. When experiences are enjoyable, we want more of them. Our bodies tell us that sleep, reproduction, eating, companionship, and exercise – to name just a few of our common daily activities – are enjoyable. Our survival depends on engaging in these activities. And we define these basic actions as sources of fun or pleasure, and this may explain why we feel compelled to engage in them.

The brain has several pleasure centers which are activated by chemicals which speed satisfying sensations from one nerve to the next. Children the world over, when they are left alone to do what they choose, engage in endless hours of play. They pursue fun. Childhood may be the time in life when our brains are trained to experience pleasure. If we accomplish this task well as children, we may have healthier lives as adults — as long as we don’t lose the ability to play that we acquired in childhood.

Think about what children do when they play. They lose themselves in the pleasure of the moment. We have all observed children at play. They glow with pleasure — they shout, smile, and move their bodies. Engrossed in their world of play, they are aware of neither the past nor the future. There is only the moment. As adults, we also have an ability to shift our awareness from rational and logical concerns to a level which is freer and centered on the moment. People who can shift appropriately between the “there and then” to the “here and now” are good at reality testing and be adapting to the demands of the world. They can draw on both their thought processes and their ability to take effective action. What would happen if these behaviors were not pleasurable? Eating would disappear and sleep would vanish. We could no longer survive.

Medical opinions these days have done a great deal to destroy our sense of fun. We know that we are supposed to exercise, so we join a gym or walk half an hour a day — but there may be no fun in it. It can become just another chore added to our already busy schedules. We deprive ourselves of the pleasures of eating — no salt, no fats, no sweets, minimal protein, fewer carbohydrates — when in truth we can enjoy many of these foods in moderation with no ill effects. The latest health prescriptions are often premature alarms which are not based on solid scientific thinking. Many of the studies are current at the moment, but the recommendations are later reversed by other evidence. For example, it is now known that people who are not at risk for hypertension or heart disease can safely enjoy salt on their food. And some types of cholesterol are good for us, as well as some types of fat (like fish oil). What we seem to forget is that incorporating pleasure into our lives is as healthy as most of the scientific recommendations based on depriving ourselves of pleasure.

Adulthood is seen by many as that time in life when pleasure should be reduced. After all, we have responsibilities — to the world, to our work, to our families. What we forget is that fun brings balance into our lives. We can work better when we can take a break and have a good time. And we can enjoy pleasurable activities better when they are special and outside of the ordinary routine of everyday life. To achieve a healthy balance between work and play is to affirm the wholeness of life.

Some Healthy Pleasures

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 10:36:54 GMT

Healthy pleasures have two characteristics:

Balance. Pleasures lose their meaning if they are not counterbalanced by attending to life’s other responsibilities. Fun can happen when one takes a break from the normal routine. For example, eating delicious food, even “unhealthy” food, can be a healthy pleasure if it is done in moderation and on occasion. To base one’s entire diet on rich and calorie-laden foods, however, suggests possible addictive tendencies – and addictive behaviors fall outside of the realm of healthy pleasures. Addictions are self-destructive, while the aim of engaging in healthy pleasures is to enhance the diversity and enjoyment of life’s experiences.
The Experience of the Moment. People who worry a lot, who are depressed, or who have difficulty with trust may find it hard to abandon themselves to pleasure. They may need to develop the ability to let go of worry and outside concerns in favor of immersing themselves in the moment. This is a skill that can be learned.

Here are some suggestions for engaging in healthy pleasures, although this list is by no means complete. All of these sources of pleasure have been shown to result in benefits to our health.

Indulge in chocolate or a scrumptious meal from time to time.
Did you know that moderate consumers of alcohol (one or two drinks per day) live longer and have healthier hearts than heavy drinkers (which is not surprising) and total abstainers (which is perhaps a surprise)?
Go on a shopping spree on occasion (as long as you can afford it and don’t fall into compulsive shopping).
Take a day off from work just to indulge yourself in whatever you want to do.
Laugh whenever you can and surround yourself with people who like to laugh.
When you need a good cry, indulge in one – this is one of life’s great pleasures.
Take a sauna or a steam bath (if your blood pressure is fairly normal).
Go out into nature and spend some time alone. Treat yourself to a view of water, mountains, or natural vegetation.
Spend an hour listening to your favorite music – with no other distractions.
Expose yourself to different smells and notice how they affect your mood.
Give a close friend or your partner a massage, and then take your turn. Foot massages are wonderful.
Take a half-hour walk outside – breathe fully, move your body vigorously, and think about little else.
Have you ever danced alone in your living room when nobody else is around?
Gardening is one of life’s greatest pleasures – immerse yourself in growth and beauty.
Spend a couple of hours playing cards or board games with a close friend.
On a stressed out day, take a half hour nap.
Buy or pick a bouquet of flowers and put them in a prominent place in your living area.
Learn a craft – pottery, painting, furniture refinishing, sculpture, holiday gifts, etc.
Learn from the masters – children and pets. Play with a child or an animal … at their level, not yours.
Go to a movie, a play, a concert, or the opera.
Do some volunteer work in the community.

Additional Resources:

Grieving – Our Heartfelt Response to a Major Loss

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 07:03:13 GMT

Grieving comes to most of us at some point in our lives. In fact, statistics show that each person can expect to experience the loss of a loved one once every nine to thirteen years. The resulting sadness may be the most painful of life’s experiences. Because it is painful, however, our eventual adaptation to the loss can bring meaning and integrity to our lives – and this, ultimately, is a gift to us from the one we have lost. It is a reminder to us that the circle is unbroken.

Our ability to adapt to loss is an important feature of the course of our lives. Change can instigate growth. Loss can give rise to gain. If we do not grieve the loss, however, it may drain us of energy and interfere with our living fully in the present. If we are not able to mourn at all, we may spend our lives under the spell of old issues and past relationships – living in the past and failing to connect with the experiences of the present.

Grieving is a process of experiencing our reactions to loss. It is similar to mourning. The term bereavement means the state, not the process, of suffering from a loss. Normal grieving is an expected part of the process of recuperating from a loss. The intensity of the process comes as a surprise to most people – and for many it becomes one of their most significant life experiences. People have their own individual grief responses. No two people will experience the process in the same way.

The first reaction to the loss of a loved one, even when the loss is expected, is usually a sense of disbelief, shock, numbness, and bewilderment. The survivor may experience a period of denial in which the reality of the loss is put out of mind. This reaction provides the person some time to prepare to deal with the inevitable pain.

The feeling of numbness then turns to intense suffering. The person feels empty. There are constant reminders of the one who has been lost. There may be periods of increased energy and anxiety followed by times of deep sadness, lethargy, and fatigue. There may be a period of prolonged despair as the person slowly begins to accept the loss. The one who grieves may find it difficult to feel pleasure and it may seem easier most of the time to avoid other people. The bereaved may dream repeatedly about the lost loved one – or hear their voice or even actually see them. The grieving survivor may adopt some mannerisms of the one who has left.

Sadness may be interspersed with times of intense anger. Many of us have difficulty in expressing anger toward one who has died. (However, anger enters into most of our relationships, and the relationship with the one who has died does continue, though changed, even after death.) We may reproach ourselves for not doing enough to prevent the death or for having treated the deceased badly in the past. The grieving person may become irritable and quarrelsome – and may interpret signs of good will from others as messages of rejection. Normal stressors may become triggers that set off periods of deep anger.

Physical symptoms commonly accompany grief. These include weakness, sleep disturbance, a change in appetite, shortness of breath, dizziness, headaches, back pain, gastric reflux, or heart palpitations.

Some people may show a “flight into health,” as if the loss were behind them and they had started to move on again. This pattern occurs frequently, especially in a society which encourages quick fixes, even though complete resolution of the grief process can take up to two or three years. To shorten the process by pretending that it has been completed is to invite a prolongation of the symptoms.

Suggestions for Experiencing Grief

All of us grieve in different ways, depending on the circumstances of the death, our own personal characteristics, and the meanings attached to the death by those left behind. Nonetheless, there are some specific actions that most of us can take to complete the process in a way that allows us to move on, eventually, to a whole and meaningful life again.

– Allow yourself to grieve and feel the depth of your loss. Grieving is hard work. We may feel that we should be “strong” and hold in our emotions, that happy thoughts and feelings are the only way to get through a trying time. This approach, however, makes it very difficult to complete the process of grieving. It is important to accept the reality of the loss. The person who died is gone and will not return. This fact must be accepted in order for the grief process to continue. Try to understand why the death occurred and the events that led to the death. Give yourself permission to feel and think about whatever comes up regarding your loss. If happy thoughts and feelings come your way, allow them to happen. Similarly, if dreadful pain, sadness, and anxiety show up, when tears turn to uncontrollable sobs, give in to these temporary feelings. Embrace your sadness, know it, and make it your own. If it is difficult to open yourself to these feelings, it may help to make a personal commitment to complete the grief process. Vow to yourself that for your own benefit, for the good of others in your life and for your future happiness, that you need to get through your loss completely and in a healthy way. This means opening yourself up to all of your feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative, and letting them happen.

– Accept the help of others and let them know what you need. Don’t try to do it alone. This is the cardinal rule in grief work. Isolation is bad for most people, and it is specially harmful for a person who is grieving. Research shows that people who have social support complete the grieving process better than those who try it in isolation. Social support should be available to you during the entire grieving process, but especially initially after the death. Find people who can be trusted absolutely and can listen well. We need to share the intense thoughts and feelings that we experience when we are alone. It is during the time of grieving that many people look for the help of a professional therapist who is likely better prepared than most to empathize with you and guide the process productively. Other people give you a sense of security and reality when your life has been turned upside down by the loss of a loved one. Accepting the help of others during mourning is not a sign of weakness. It simply means that you can allow yourself to be comforted during a rough period, and this will contribute to your strength later. Sometimes other people may not know what you need, even if their intentions are good. In this case, it is important to educate them. If they say the wrong things, let them know. If there are specific things that you need, tell them. Assertiveness may be difficult during grieving because you have little energy, but clear communication is essential to getting your needs met.

– Be realistic in processing your grief. Read up on grief work or talk to a therapist who can describe the grief process. Understand what you are trying to accomplish, and realize that your pain will subside in time. There is a clear goal in sight. Understand what this death means to you and what issues it brings up for you. The loss may be there always, but you can come to understand it and feel comfortable with yourself in time. Accept the fact that you will have some reactions during the process which you may not like – angry blowups, ignoring other people, moodiness. Expect your loss to dredge up intense emotions, although these feelings will pass in time. Your way of grieving is particular to you and your individual loss. It is not helpful to blame or to be blamed for the unique way each of us grieves. Don’t let the personal judgments of others determine how or to what degree you should grieve. Your grieving is your own.

– Find ways to express your feelings. The expression of emotion is one of the most important aspects of the grieving process. Each of us has different ways of expressing feelings. Some of us talk about them, while others prefer to write them in a journal or physically act out the feelings (pounding a pillow or punching bag, running, or dancing). Look for trusted and nonjudgmental people in your support system who are able to hear you talk at length, cry until you can’t anymore, and review your experiences with the deceased. Expressing your feelings is a crucial part of the grief experience.

– Submit to the grief process and take care of your needs. Even though grieving is hard work, and we may prefer to avoid it, there is no way around it. There is a major disruption in your life when a loved one dies and this entails a period of re-adjustment. Here are some real-life concerns to keep in mind during the grief process.

Give yourself some quiet time alone. Find a good balance between being around others and giving yourself some solitude so that you can reflect on your loss and process your feelings.
Allow yourself to have some breaks from your grief. Grieving is difficult. As in any hard job, you need a break from it from time to time. Go out and try to have a good time with friends. Read a good book. Lose yourself in a good movie.
If possible, avoid making long-term decisions. Times of crisis decrease our ability to make rational decisions. Put decisions off until things have settled down to a more stable pattern.
Take care of your health. Grief is a time of high physical risk. Even though it may be difficult, try to get some physical exercise, even if it is only a daily walk. Maintain a nutritious diet, but don’t avoid indulging in special treats occasionally since self-nurturing is important during the process. Above all, avoid alcohol and drugs during this time. They may provide a temporary feeling of relief, but your goal should focus on grieving productively, not avoiding it.

Grieving is a very personal experience and one of our most painful to endure. It is also a journey into the depths of our lives that can ultimately reveal our strength of character.

“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.” – William Shakespeare (Macbeth, Act IV, Scene 3)

SOME THOUGHTS ON GRIEVING

Losses are a fact of life.
Every relationship is only temporary.
I need to be as aware as possible of what is happening.
I will not always feel the way I do now.
Tears are a sign of strength, not weakness.
My loved one would want me to get on with life again.
I am willing to give this all the time it takes.
I need to do a lot of talking and crying – as much as it takes.
My loved one’s departure allows me to find out more about who I am.
My life has been disrupted, and now I will work to get it back on track again.
I need to share my experience with other human beings.
My grieving is my own – I, and not others, will determine what form it takes.
Nobody else can take this life journey for me.
I will be happy again.

A Way to Understand Relationship Conflicts

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 06:53:57 GMT

Relationships are seldom as simple as we would like. They bring out our needs, anxieties, and conflicts with people from our past – parents, friends and former partners.

Our relationships with our partners are colored by our own personal legacies. We often react to our partners as if they were someone else – and most of the time this causes conflict in the relationship. After all, when we entered into a primary relationship we expected love, nurturance, and validation just for being who we are. A relationship, we usually imagine, should provide a safe zone where our partners cherish us for expressing our own unique qualities. This is a simple expectation. Why, then, does it seem so hard to achieve?

How we perceive our partners is influenced by how we learned to deal with other people in the past. This process can go back into early childhood, even to infancy. Indeed, our earliest primary attachment to a caretaker – a mother, a father, or another adult – can have an effect on how we deal with other people for the rest of our lives. For example, if our earliest experiences taught us to trust in the world, then we are likely, barring any other event that leads to distrust, to take a trusting attitude toward people throughout our lives. Conversely, if a child is never shown love during the earliest stages of life, it may be a challenge during adulthood to learn how to experience love. Early experiences from childhood can have a powerful effect later on. (This is a strong argument for treating children well.)

Children experience both good and bad in the world. Plenty of good experiences, like love and trust, feel comfortable, and produce a positive self-image in children – a positive way of defining themselves. The bad experiences, though, create feelings of conflict and frustration. These negative experiences also go into the self-definition that the child is developing. But they don’t feel compatible with the more positive feelings, so, according to one theory, the child projects them onto somebody else. (Projection means finding in someone else the qualities that you don’t want to accept within yourself – like blaming your partner for being controlling when you are the one who has the tendency to want to control.)

PROJECTIONS

It is not only early childhood experiences that cause us to project our unacceptable feelings onto someone else. Friends can have the same effect, as can partners from our previous relationships. This is a process that happens throughout our lives. How many times have we heard someone say, “Treat me for who I am – I am not your former partner”?

The major point to keep in mind is that we project our own problematic feelings onto another person. If, for example, we have an issue with the feeling of jealousy, we will project our own jealousy onto someone else, and perceive them as being the jealous one! This is because we can’t tolerate seeing ourselves as having a problem with jealousy – and it’s easier to attribute it to someone else. In other words, we feel unable to correct the problem in ourselves, so we focus on this issue in the other person. The way out of this, of course, is to become aware of this projection and understand how it affects us.

When couples experience conflict in their relationship, projections are often at the root of the problem. If we are living with our own conflicts and are unable to make any headway in understanding them, it’s as if we look for the problem in the other person. In fact, at a certain level, we may actually seek out partners who have the qualities that we find problematic within ourselves. If we have difficulty in asserting ourselves, for example, and we get frustrated and angry with other people for running over us, we may seek out partners who do just that – people who dominate us. Just as often, though, our partners may not see themselves as domineering, but because we need to work out our own problems with the issues of dominance and submission, we will search for these qualities in the other person. We take any cue we can from our partner and magnify it. Then we’re able to project our own problem onto the other person, saying it is their fault. By blaming the other person, we protect ourselves from having to come to terms with our own issues. We can safely continue our submissive pattern and blame the other person for having the problem.

The healthier option, when projections are causing relationship conflicts, is to increase our awareness of our own internal conflicts and how we project these conflicts onto our partners. We can look for examples of our projections in other life situations until we see a pattern. When we have awareness of the problem, we can understand the many ways it influences our behavior – and this can give us some control over the problem. We can then try out new ways of dealing with people. For example, when a person experiences frustration time and again from feeling dominated by others, learning some assertiveness techniques can alleviate the problem.

It is important to understand…

…that projections are not at the root of every problem that couples experience. Sometimes the other person does indeed have a real problem that can lead to an abusive situation. In this case, it is not advisable to try to understand it as a projection, but to see it for what it truly is and to take appropriate measures to change the situation.

THE OTHER PARTNER COLLUDES

An interesting phenomenon happens when a partner is the recipient of a projection – the one being projected upon. Because this person is trying to smooth out the conflicts, he or she may identify with the projection. So, the couple now begins to define their problem in this way. The person receiving the projection starts to say, “Yes, I have a problem with being too dominant, and I need to work on it.” In fact, this person may start to behave in a way that confirms the projection. It may never have occurred to this person that dominance was a personal issue in the past, but because it is brought up frequently through the first partner’s projections, the second person may create a self-definition that conforms to the projection. The recipient of the projection can either take in the projection – believing that it is true and behaving accordingly – or, in the more mature case, can modify it, insisting that the projection is not a true representation. In this case, the recipient can actually help the partner come to terms with his or her own issues and restore some health to the relationship.

The person doing the projecting may define the whole of the other partner as having the problem, and the recipient of the projection may do the same – to define the problem not just as a part of the self, but the whole self. When this happens, the couple may forget about the positive parts of each of the partners and concentrate instead on only the problematic areas. The mistake here is this: when we work on our relationship conflicts, we need to draw on the positive parts of the relationship rather than focusing entirely on the problems.

When a couple first gets together, they focus on their similarities – those parts of themselves that are compatible. This is when the intimacy and trust of the relationship are formed. It isn’t until the relationship has matured that the negative projections begin to take shape. This helps to explain why some couples who were so perfect for each other in the beginning start to have conflicts as time goes by. When the negative projections begin, the partner doing the projecting tends to withdraw from the intimacy of the relationship and to focus more on seeking some independence from the relationship. And the second partner may then withdraw as well. This is when the couple may start to experience relationship difficulties.

IT TAKES TWO

The process of projection in a relationship is not always one-sided. Things can get complicated when both partners are mutually engaged in this process, which is a common occurrence. It becomes difficult for the partners to see where the problem lies. Take a look at the following example.

AN EXAMPLE – CHRIS AND PAT

Chris grew up in a household where the parents were emotionally withholding. Affection was seldom expressed toward Chris and the other siblings, although material needs were always provided. Chris always searched for nurturance, love and support, the things that were never provided in the household – and harbored some anger that the kids were never given these things. Of course, this anger was never expressed, for fear that it would lead toward even more emotional deprivation.

Pat, on the other hand, had two very controlling parents. It was hard to experience independence during childhood, adolescence and early adulthood, and this led to hidden resentment that could never be expressed.

When Pat and Chris first got together, they both felt liberated, as if all of their dreams and hopes for a relationship could be met in the other person. Chris saw in Pat a person who appreciated freedom and was genuine, affectionate, and willing to give love and emotional support. Similarly, Pat saw in Chris someone who valued love, trust, and respect for personal integrity. Their first year or two together were the happy times.

Over time, however, Chris’s resentment, harbored since childhood and never resolved, became attached to Pat. Rather than seeing all the positive qualities in Pat that formed the basis of the initial attraction, Chris focused negatively on Pat’s need for independence and not being at home enough. Pat is accused of always being out with friends and finding the job more important than the relationship.

Pat, on the other hand, sees Chris’s demands to be at home more often as control, the same thing that caused such resentment during Pat’s childhood. Rather than focus on Chris’s more positive qualities of love and trust, Pat accuses Chris of acting like a parent who would not allow independence.

The couple is at an impasse. Chris accuses Pat of emotional withdrawal. Pat blames Chris for being controlling. They aren’t able to see their way out of their dilemma until they start to work with a therapist who is able to clarify the patterns. And for this couple – with some exploration, courage, and insight, there is hope.

ASSESS YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Understanding the sources of conflict in your relationship is one step towards resolving the differences between you. When we can get the problems out in the open and talk about them objectively, we can often find the solutions. Use the list below as a starting point for shedding some light on your relationship conflicts, which may now be hidden but which, with some thought, can become known and talked about constructively.

– Look for themes in your relationship conflicts, problems that keep reappearing time and time again. Focus on identifying the underlying theme in most of your arguments. Arguments usually focus on the surface aspects of the underlying conflict. Your goal here is to define the underlying conflict.

– Have these themes appeared in your relationships with other people – both friends and perhaps other partners in the past?

– Can you identify your part in contributing to these themes? Every relationship takes two people and both contribute to the difficulties. What is your part? (This may be a hard question to answer since we tend to see the problems as lying within our partner rather than within ourselves.)

– What are the positive qualities in your partner that you may have forgotten about as time has gone by? Can you begin to define your partner in those terms again?

– What are the negative qualities in your partner that cause conflicts between you? Does your partner agree that these qualities are true? Has your partner changed over time, gradually starting to agree that the negative qualities may be true? Or, conversely, does your partner insist that these negative qualities are not true?

– Do you focus mostly on these negative qualities when you think about your partner?

– Is there anything from your past – from childhood on through adulthood – which reminds you of the conflicts between you and your partner? (This may be a clue regarding your unresolved conflicts that are the source of projections.)

– Does your partner project unresolved conflicts onto you? (These are probably easier to see than your projections onto your partner.)

Additional Resources:

Resilience – The Ability to Bounce Back

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 06:18:08 GMT

Resilience – The Ability to Bounce Back

“And thus, like the wounded oyster, he mends his shell with pearl.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Research studies in recent years have focused on the struggles faced by those who have been emotionally, sexually, and physically abused as children, as well as those who have grown up with learning disabilities and attention deficit disorders. They share in common many of the characteristics of those who have endured traumas later in life, such as war, the loss of a loved one, natural disasters, financial catastrophes, or a major illness. What has been most interesting in these studies is the finding that some traumatized people – both those with childhood abuse and other challenges as well as those who experienced life disruptions in adulthood – suffer virtually no ill effects from the trauma. In fact, in many cases they seem to have grown stronger and led more integrated lives. This unexpected finding has guided researchers to explore the nature of resilience.

Other periods of disruption can be caused by unexpected events that turn life upside down. An automobile accident, an illness, the death of a loved one, divorce, national tragedies, acts of terrorism, war, natural disasters such as floods or hurricanes, the loss of employment, and financial upheavals can challenge our ability to cope. Any of these can become “make or break” situations depending on the degree to which resilience comes into play.

Frederic Flach, MD, has suggested that we all have the capacity to reorganize our lives after a disruption and to achieve new levels of order and meaningfulness if we know how to activate our resilience. In fact, he suggests that in order to mature through the process of meaningful change and reintegration, we need to experience life disruptions. In other words, life disruptions are not necessarily a bad thing because they help us to grow and to meet future challenges in our lives. During the depths of chaos we are vulnerable because we do not know what lies ahead – but as we learn and adapt during the chaos, we prepare ourselves to meet further stresses in the future. He says that failure to pass successfully through any cycle of chaos and stress will leave us crippled with regard to future life disruptions.

All of us can learn methods to become more resilient. Sometimes, however, our lack of closure on previous life experiences blocks us from adapting to new periods of stress as they come along. A woman, abused emotionally by her father in childhood, for example, may have great difficulty in accepting his death if she still carries unresolved conflicts surrounding the early abuse. By working with a professional psychotherapist or counselor, she may be able to achieve some closure on the abuse from her childhood and this would open the way for her to accept his death more readily – that is, with resilience. Similarly, a man who was exposed to physical violence in childhood may find it difficult, because of his unresolved issues with anger and victimization, to accept a national trauma such as a terrorist act. He may continue to dwell on issues of anger and injustice for months after the event, to the detriment of his job and family life. Again, working with a trained professional can be the route for this person to gain closure on his unresolved issues and to work toward a more integrated approach regarding acts of violence in the future.

Developing resilience depends on many factors in addition to achieving closure on previous life experiences. Those who are resilient have many of the following characteristics –

– A Sense of Hope and Trust in the World

– The Ability to Tolerate Pain and Distressing Emotions

– Interpreting Experiences in a New Light

Sometimes we look at situations in a way that keep us stuck in a negative thinking pattern. Those who are resilient have the ability to look at the situation in a

new way (this is called “reframing”) that can minimize the impact of the trauma in their thought process. One benefit of working with a therapist during a life disruption is that new and more objective definitions of the traumatic situation can be developed and this opens the way to handle the crisis more successfully. Resilient people take a creative approach toward solving a problem, reinterpreting old definitions in new ways.

– A Meaningful System of Support

One of the best ways to endure a crisis is to have the support of another person who can listen and validate our feelings. Knowing that others care and will come to our support lessens the feeling of isolation, especially when tackling the problem alone. It is important to be selective in choosing people to trust, and no one person can be expected to be the perfect means of support. Often it takes several friends, each of whom can provide different kinds of support. Resilient people are proficient in making friends and keeping them. They have the judgment to know who their friends should be – as well as the ability to give and take in their interactions with others.

– A Sense of Mastery and Control Over One’s Destiny

– A Good Self – Image and Self – Respect

People who show resilience generally have been treated with appreciation, care and love from early childhood on. They have learned to see themselves in a positive light and to see themselves as people who deserve to be treated with respect by others. When a life disruption creates an assault to their self-image, they are able to restore their feelings of self-esteem quickly. Without a positive sense of self, some people find themselves stuck in a crisis, often secretly feeling that they deserve the negative experience which has transpired in their lives. Fortunately, positive self-esteem can be learned in therapy.

– Self – Reflection and Insight

Resilient people have a capacity for learning. They are able to talk about their lives, their experiences, their thoughts and feelings. They can provide a coherent autobiographical account of who they are. They have the ability to develop an objective explanation of their strengths and weaknesses. One of the goals of therapy with a trained professional is to provide the person with the ability to reflect on their lives and, from this self-reflection, to develop insight into their current life circumstances. Rather than feeling defensive about their life circumstances, they are open to new ideas and are flexible enough to try new tactics for dealing with problems. Resilient people are able to learn from their mistakes, and they do not punish themselves because they have made mistakes.

– A Wide Range of Interests and a Sense of Humor

– a hobby, a different group of friends, a talent. They can find relief from the singlemindedness and worry which often accompanies a period of crisis. Finally, they can laugh. Humor has both psychological and physical benefits in relieving the stress of trauma because it encourages a swift change in our perception of our circumstances – and when our thoughts change, our mood follows.

Dealing With Emotional Pain

Frederic Flach, MD, suggests that when a person undergoes a life disruption, it is usually not advisable to take medication that will alleviate the pain immediately. When pain is alleviated with medication, the person’s motivation to make changes is reduced. And there is a great deal to learn from the process of managing emotional pain. (Of course, there are times when medication becomes necessary, especially with suicidal thinking which may accompany a major depression.) When you undergo a major life crisis, you need time to gain insight into what has gone wrong and achieve integration again. Emotional pain, while unpleasant, serves its purpose, just as physical pain does in alerting us to something that is going wrong in our bodies. It prompts us to take action. Similarly, drugs and alcohol may help to alleviate emotional pain – but then the opportunity to learn our life lessons vanishes. Deadening pain chemically may allow old patterns of behavior to continue – in which case, paradoxically, the pain you are trying to escape will persist into the future. Pain spurs us to learn new ways of coping.

Flach says that there are three tactics that people in crisis can use to get through the crushing periods of pain that accompany a life disruption. These methods do not end the pain, which has value, but they allow us some relief for a time.

First, he suggests diversion. Sometimes we need to remove ourselves physically or mentally from our emotional pain for a while. We can take a weekend trip, read a book, watch an engrossing movie, talk to a friend, take a walk or get some other physical exercise. He suggests that diversion allows us time to heal or sufficient distance from a problem that we can come back to again and perhaps see in a new light.

The second tactic for dealing with emotional pain is to stay in control over those aspects of your life that you still have some ability to control. A major life disruption can leave you with the feeling that you have no control over events. However, you can use self-discipline to clean your residence, bathe, feed the dog, water your plants, and pay your bills. Stay in control of those things that you can control, and let those things which are uncontrollable run their course.

Additional Resources:

Understanding Personality Disorders

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 02:36:54 GMT

All of us have our own unique ways of feeling and thinking and expressing ourselves. Most of the time, our uniqueness is seen simply as an individual difference – or something special about each of us. In fact, this is what brings interest and variety to the people in our lives. This is a positive thing. One of the healthiest things we can do is to achieve a fairly objective understanding of just how we are unique or different from other people. Then we can understand how our behavior impacts other people and we can adjust the way we act around other people accordingly. That is, we can problem solve our way through situations when we have a good understanding of our unique personality characteristics. We are talking here about personality style – and all of us have our own styles.

Some of us, though, have personalities that vary significantly from the expectations of the culture. This can involve patterns of feeling, thinking, impulse control and interpersonal functioning that cause distress – sometimes to the person, but especially to those around the person. If the pattern is enduring and pervasive (that is, it persists over time and can be found across a broad range of situations), then it might meet the criteria for a personality disorder. One of the features of a personality disorder is that the person may not realize how their behavior affects others – and that’s why it continues over time and with a variety of different people. So a person with a personality disorder may have difficulty with problem-solving, which impairs their ability to adapt to life’s challenges. People with personality disorders don’t feel distressed about their personality traits, but may suffer from the reactions of others to them. Personality disorders seem to begin fairly early in life, and, unless a change in made, they may continue on through the person’s adulthood. It is important to realize that the behavior of those with personality disorders may have served a positive function at one point in the person’s life – but now those behaviors are an ingrained part of the personality but no longer serve the person well. They actually work against the person’s ability to adapt.

Professional therapists help people to address a number of problems in everyday living, such as mood and thinking disorders, anxiety, impulse control problems or addictive behavior. Personality disorders fall into their own category, however. That is, personality disorders may, or may not, be related to these more traditional areas of treatment. For example, a person suffering from depression may, or may not, also have a personality disorder. Fortunately, there is help for people suffering from personality disorders, as well as their families, work colleagues and close friends. In most cases, people who suffer from a personality disorder can learn to make changes in the behavior that causes distress. It’s not really feasible to say that therapists can “cure” a personality, but they can help the person learn to manage life’s details and responsibilities better.

A Word of Warning: Read the following as an educational pursuit, not as an exercise in self-diagnosis or the diagnosis of anyone else. Many people, when they read the definitions of the various personality disorders, tend to personalize them. That is, they see themselves or others in the definition. This can be a very dispiriting experience. All of us, from time to time, have experiences that are common to many people – but a few experiences hardly constitute the evidence needed for a diagnosis of personality disorder. We can find at least some of our own behavior, or the behavior of someone else, in all of the definitions that follow. Above all, remember that you can do harm to someone by loosely categorizing their behavior based on a few bits of evidence, and you would not want to do this. Diagnosis is best left to those with the training to do it, and it used only when it can help the person. With that in mind, here are descriptions of the ten common personality disorders.

Paranoid Personality Disorder – The paranoid personality constitutes about one percent of the population. The pattern is long-standing, often beginning in early adulthood. People with paranoid personality disorder tend to have a pervasive distrust of others. They attribute malevolent motives to other people. Without any real basis for their beliefs, they feel that others are harming or exploiting them. They become preoccupied with the issue of who can be trusted and who cannot. They read demeaning messages into the words and behavior of others, and they frequently bear grudges against others. They perceive attacks against them that are not apparent to other people. They have difficulty in confiding in others for fear that information will be used against them. They become angry quickly and they are quick to counter-attack.

Schizoid Personality Disorder – This is a rare disorder that constitutes less than one percent of the population. It usually begins in early adulthood and presents itself as a pervasive problem affecting virtually every aspect of the sufferer’s life. The person feels detached from virtually all social relationships. They show a restricted range of emotions around others. They almost always choose solitary activities, but they show pleasure in few, if any, of these activities. They are often indifferent to the praise or criticism they receive from others. They lack close friends or people they can open up to.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder – This begins in early adulthood and is more common in that about three percent of the population could be described by this diagnosis. These people tend to be described as eccentric in their dress and behavior. They feel uncomfortable with close relationships. They tend to have odd beliefs and engage in what is called “magical thinking,” that is, they draw conclusions without considering the logic behind their inferences. Their thinking and speech are often described as odd. They tend to be suspicious of others and their range of emotion is limited. People with schizotypal personality disorder usually have few close friends and they feel anxious in social situations.

Antisocial Personality Disorder – About three percent of men and one percent of women can be described by this diagnosis – and the pattern becomes obvious during adolescence, if not before. People with antisocial personalities tend to violate the rights of others. They often have brushes with the law and fail to conform to social norms. They may lie to others or con others for personal gain. They are impulsive and fail to plan ahead. They manipulate others and often disregard their own safety or the safety of others. They are irresponsible with their work or financial obligations. People with antisocial personality disorder get into fights, and are irritable and aggressive around other people. A lack of remorse is one of the defining characteristics of this disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder – The borderline pattern becomes apparent at least by early adulthood, and it is estimated that about two percent of the population suffers from this disorder. The defining characteristic of this disorder is instability of mood, self-image, and interpersonal relationships. In their relationships, people with borderline disorders tend either to idealize others or devalue them – and this can switch back and forth quickly. They fear both being abandoned by and becoming intimate with others. Their behavior is impulsive, and self-destructive threats are common. Their moods can change abruptly from happiness to misery, often over the course of only a few hours. They may feel empty inside and show frequent displays of temper, as well as suspicious thinking.

Histrionic Personality Disorder – About two to three percent of the population can be diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder, a problem which begins to show itself by early adulthood. The defining characteristic of this disorder is excessive expression of emotions and attention-seeking. Sufferers may feel uncomfortable when they are not the center of attention. They use their physical appearance to draw attention to themselves. They are often theatrical and dramatic – and they are suggestible and easily influenced by others. They express emotions in a rapidly shifting manner. People with histrionic personality disorder may think that their relationships are more intimate than they actually are.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – This is a fairly rare disorder, affecting about one percent of the population, and it first appears by early adulthood. A loose definition of narcissism is “self love.” People with this disorder have a great need for admiration from others, but little capacity for empathy. They tend to be grandiose in their fantasy world and superior to others in their thoughts. They are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success and power, and they have a sense of entitlement (that is, they feel they deserve special treatment). They believe they are special or unique, and others may describe them as arrogant. They tend to exploit others and manipulate them, and they lack empathy for the feelings of other people.

Avoidant Personality Disorder – This is another rare disorder that describes less than one percent of the population. Again, it becomes apparent by early adulthood. People with this disorder are inhibited or timid. They feel inadequate, but are sensitive to negative criticisms. Unless they are certain they will be liked, they tend to avoid involvement with other people. They are preoccupied with being criticized or rejected by others, and they feel inadequate when people are being compared or evaluated. They are reluctant to take risks for fear of being embarrassed.

Dependent Personality Disorder – This disorder may affect less than three percent of the population, and it appears by early adulthood. It is characterized by an excessive need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to others and to show a submissive stance in their interpersonal relationships. They have a fear of separation and they require others to assume responsibility for most life activities. Dependent personalities have difficulty in making everyday decisions, and they have difficulty in disagreeing with others for fear of being rejected. They are preoccupied with the fear of having to take care of themselves. They lack confidence in their own judgment, so they have difficulty in initiating projects. They go to any lengths to get nurturance from other people.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder – This disorder, which shows itself by adulthood, affects about one percent of the population. People with this diagnosis are preoccupied with being orderly and perfect and they need a sense of mental and interpersonal control. They have difficulty with flexibility and openness. They often get so involved in rules, procedures and organization that the point of the activity is lost. Others may describe them as “workaholics.” They are rigid and miserly, and they have difficulty in throwing out things. At work, they find it difficult to delegate tasks.

There is Hope for Those With Personality Disorders

When therapists attempt to achieve behavior changes in their clients, they usually assume the absence of a personality disorder. It is, after all, a major task to work with clients in making significant life changes without going through the hurdle of addressing a personality disorder as well. People with personality disorders often lack the feeling of distress that motivates major changes within the therapeutic setting.

However, when the focus is on specific behaviors that can be changed to bring about smoother life adjustments, therapists can have great success in working with people who have personality disorders. Most people can recognize when they have a recurrent pattern of difficulty in their lives – and this recognition can serve as the motivator for change in therapy. A trained professional therapist is able to find those areas that help a client recognize the need for change. For example, people with dependent personality disorder may come to understand that they may well lose their significant relationship unless some changes occur in their need to be taken care of. While the person’s internal needs for dependency may persist even after the therapeutic intervention, hanges in the person’s overt behavior can go a long way in resolving the situation. When the outer behaviors are changed, the internal needs may then undergo adjustments in a healthier direction.

People with paranoid personality disorder, for example, can activate their sensitivity so that they become attuned to the needs of other people in a productive way. People with schizotypal personality disorder can transform a pattern of odd beliefs into a more creative and socially approved set of responses. Those with borderline personalities can use their tendency toward rapidly shifting moods to being more spontaneous (and sensible) in their responses toward others. Negative symptoms associated with these disorders can be turned into positive qualities which help the person in adapting to life’s demands. A trained professional therapist is able to provide a setting in which seemingly intractable problems can be addressed.

A feeling of safety and trust is built between the therapist and client – and this opens the door to trying new behaviors, with support, which has seemed impossible until now. A whole new world awaits those who give it a try.

Additional Resources:

Looking For Love In All The Right Places

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 02:31:36 GMT

Although some people prefer to remain single throughout their lives, most people strive to connect with and live in partnership with one special person. There are many obvious advantages to finding a relationship partner – physical, economic, social – but there is another significant advantage in that working through the ups and downs of a relationship allows us to come to terms with many of our own personal issues. In fact, these personal issues may make or break a relationship, depending on whether we choose to work on them. If you are single now, you can use this time to learn more about yourself and what makes relationships work.

There is evidence that the families we come from (our families of origin) have a profound influence on how we will behave in the relationships we create for ourselves in adulthood. How many times have you heard the phrase, “You are acting just like your father (mother).” Or, “I can’t believe that I am saying the same things my mother (father) said.” Sometimes we find ourselves acting toward a current relationship partner in the same way we acted toward a previous partner, as if there were a repetitive pattern in play. And if we look closely enough, we might discover that we have the same pattern of difficulty in every one of our relationships, as if we keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

According to one school of thought (see the book recommendations on page three), we all had imperfect parents or caregivers as we grew up, and the experiences we had as children left a lasting impression on us. We all went through stages of development in childhood. Sometimes our parents were there for us as we progressed through a developmental stage – and sometimes they were not (and this could be due to many reasons, like a parent having his or her own personal difficulties at the time, or the birth of another child). If we have difficulty at one particular stage of development, then we have a gap in our personalities that could follow us into adulthood unless we recognize and attend to the problem.

Feeling Whole and Complete

In fact, the theory goes further and says that we all have a desire to be whole and complete – and this means completing our unfinished business from childhood. Therefore, in adulthood we search out potential relationship partners who will allow us to work on this unfinished business. In fact, this is the type of person we will be attracted to when we grow up.

This theory says that we are attracted to a person who carries both the positive and negative qualities of our imperfect parent or caregiver. We carry an image around with us of who our perfect partner will be – and we search for a person who embodies these qualities. When we find a person with these traits, we feel as if we have found the person we have been searching for our entire lives. At last we feel whole and complete. It feels as if the gap from our childhood is now filled. And we tell people that we are in love. When we find this person we feel fully alive – we have a profound sense of wellbeing. We have found happiness at last.

Over time, however, the negative qualities found in our parents begin to emerge in our relationships with our partners. According to the theory, this is expected and predictable. In fact, a mature love commitment will not occur until we have worked through these more negative issues. For example, if we had a chaotic parent, we might find happiness at last in a partner who gives us a feeling of security. This is the partner’s positive trait. But then the negative parts creep into the relationship. He or she will not always be there on time, or tell the truth, or in other ways provide us with the security we need. Nobody is perfect, and sometimes our partners will indeed engage in behavior that dredges up our old fear of chaos. In fact, because we need to work on our issues

with chaos, we may even perceive the presence of chaos where it doesn’t really exist. We accuse our once-beloved partners of threatening our feeling of security. As our childhood fears return, we might blame our partners for not understanding us after all or for deliberately trying to undermine the relationship. At this point, power struggles begin – the person you were in love with not so long ago can now seem like your worst enemy.

Breaking Up Is Not Always the Answer

Many people who have been through a series of relationships report that they seem to have the same problems time after time. The same types of relationship problems emerge regardless of who their beloved is. This fact suggests that the problem resides in the person, not in the choice of partner. The clue is to look within in order to see why the problem recurs and why we become attached to the same kind of person.

Many people would rather break up than work through an old childhood issue. They get to the stage of the power struggle in their relationship, and they are not able to work past it. Old childhood fears are dredged up at this stage and it feels safer to bury these fears or run away from them rather than face them. Unfortunately, when people break up with their partner, they deprive themselves of the opportunity to deal with the issues they need to face in order to have a successful relationship. (Note, however, that there are times when breaking up is advisable, and this involves situations where physical, sexual or emotional abuse is present in the relationship so that one or both of the partners is in danger.)

The Healthy Relationship

Rather than searching for the right partner, it might be more helpful to think of being the right partner. This means bringing our old issues from childhood to awareness. We need to understand the impact of the events in our childhood on our choice of a partner in adulthood. We should examine why we keep making the same mistakes again and again in our relationships. Once we have completed this life task, we are then free to enter into a conscious, mature relationship.

What does a mature relationship look like?

Both partners acknowledge that their childhood wounds are likely to emerge in the relationship. They make an attempt to understand how these wounds developed and how they influence the relationship.

Each partner owns up to his or her own faults and talks about them freely with the other. Each partner identifies what he or she needs in the relationship, within reason – and the other provides those things unconditionally.

Each partner is seen as a whole, complete person striving to live an individual life as fully as possible. The two partners have equality in the relationship with open dialogue between them.

The partners understand that when they feel uncomfortable, they need to engage in constructive communication. They don’t engage in acting out behavior such as withdrawing from their partner or looking outside of the relationship to get their needs for intimacy met.

Both partners agree to avoid blaming or criticizing each other – and they engage in constructive communication instead.

Anger is recognized as an expression of pain, and the partners agree to accept each others anger and other emotions. However, they also agree not to dump their anger on each other. They recognize that anger must be contained and expressed constructively.

The partners in a healthy relationship develop their own strengths rather than relying on the other to provide them. Both partners strive toward wholeness – in themselves and in each other.

Rather than leaving a relationship in order to find yourself, it may be possible to find yourself through a relationship. A mature relationship is based on commitment, awareness, and mutual respect. It is healing and it leads to genuine wholeness for each of the partners. We recognize what our partner needs, and we provide these things gently, lovingly, and without conditions.

The ability to provide unconditional love for our partner is one of our highest life goals. It takes great strength to be able to surmount our own needs and to give unconditionally to a person who has made a commitment to us. Even though our partner’s behavior may cause us anxiety, pain, or anger, we show our maturity by understanding and containing our own reactions in order to make the other person feel better. There can be no greater expression of love.

A Suggestion

Delving into our early childhood issues is a difficult process, and it is best accomplished with the help of a professional therapist. The rewards, however, can be immeasurable. If you are stuck in a series of relationships with the same destructive patterns emerging time and time again, it might be best to put a moratorium on getting into a committed relationship until you have had time to examine these early personal issues. Once you have been through the therapy process, which is safe and confidential, your chances of finding a more mature and successful relationship are greatly enhanced.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/looking-for-love-in-all-the-right-places/
https://fvinstitute.com/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body/
https://fvinstitute.com/are-selfies-a-sign-of-a-mental-disorder/
https://fvinstitute.com/dependent-personality-disorder-diagnosis-and-treatment/
https://fvinstitute.com/highly-sensitive-people-strengths/

Stress and Anxiety Disorders

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 02:23:56 GMT

Stress is the body’s reaction to an event that is experienced as disturbing or threatening. Our primitive ancestors experienced stress when they had to fight off wild animals and other threats to their survival. Now, in the contemporary world, we are more likely to feel stressed when we face overwhelming responsibilities at work or home, experience loneliness, rejection, or the fear of losing things that are important to us, such as our jobs or friends. When we are exposed to such events, we experience what has been called the “fight or flight” response. To prepare for fighting or fleeing, the body increases its heart rate and blood pressure. This sends more blood to our heart and muscles, and our respiration rate increases. We become vigilant and tense. Our bodies end up on full alert – and this allows us to take action. When stress continues over a long period of time, however, and has a significant impact on how we live, we may begin to suffer from one of the anxiety disorders.

Research indicates that anxiety disorders are the leading emotional health disorder for women and are second only to substance abuse among men. Within any given year, it has been estimated that fifteen percent of the population suffers from one of the anxiety disorders – yet only a small portion of those who suffer receive treatment. Fortunately, treatment is available and generally effective.

Stress can be helpful when it prompts us to take action to solve a problem. We can use our perceived stress as a clue, in fact, that there is a problem, and that we need to confront it. Public speakers, athletes, and entertainers have long known that stress can motivate them to perform much better. When we don’t recognize our anxious feelings or don’t have the tools to deal with them, we may continue to expose ourselves to the stress, which leads to more problems.

Prolonged stress is demanding on our bodies and our lives in general. The constant state of “fight or flight” may cause heart palpitations, dizziness, trembling or shaking, increased blood pressure, sweating, choking, high stomach acidity, nausea, chest discomfort, or muscle spasms. We may feel detached or out of touch with reality or think we are dying or going crazy. There is evidence that prolonged stress can lead to heart disease and a compromised immune system. Stress depletes our energy and interferes with concentration. We may become abrupt with other people and engage in emotional outbursts or even physical violence. Our relationships and job security may be jeopardized. People who experience prolonged stress are more prone to self-destructive behaviors such as drug and alcohol abuse.

The Anxiety Disorders

An anxiety disorder is longer lasting than normal anxiety, is more intense and can lead to fears that interfere with the ability to function in daily life. Here are some of the more common types of anxiety disorders –

Generalized anxiety disorder – occurs when a person has endured for at least six months a state of being excessively worried, feeling on edge continually, having sleep difficulty, and finding it hard to experience pleasure and relaxation. The symptoms include restlessness, irritability, difficulty concentrating, feeling easily fatigued, and muscle tension. This diagnosis is not accompanied by phobias, obsessions, or panic attacks.

Agoraphobia – which affects about five percent of the population, is the most prevalent of the anxiety disorders. People who suffer from agoraphobia are afraid of finding themselves in situations where escape would be difficult or help might be unavailable. They suffer from panic disorders in certain situations and then, over time, develop a fear of finding themselves in these situations. Common situations include using public transportation (subways, airplanes, trains), being at home alone, crowded public places (such as restaurants, grocery stores, etc.), and enclosed or confined places such as tunnels, bridges, or classrooms.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder – can happen if a person has been through a serious, life threatening event, such as a natural disaster, terrorist act, a car or plane crash, rape, assault, or other violent crime.

Those with PTSD may for months or years afterward experience repetitive thoughts about the event with an attempt to avoid thinking about it, nightmares, emotional numbness, feelings of detachment, flashbacks, an attempt to avoid activities associated with the event, a loss of interest in pleasurable activities, and other symptoms of increased anxiety.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder – happens when stress or chaos in one’s world causes a person to think and worry repetitively about something (these are called obsessions) or else to engage in repetitive behaviors, like hand-washing or checking on things excessively (these are called compulsions). Obsessions are recognized by the sufferer as irrational, but they continue to intrude in the sufferer’s thoughts for extended periods of time. Examples of obsessions include images of violence or doing violence to somebody else and insecure thoughts about leaving the lights on or leaving the door unlocked. Compulsions are behaviors that are performed to reduce the anxiety of the obsessions. Examples include excessive hand washing, checking the lights or the stove time and time again, or ritualistic behavior such as counting steps while walking.

Social Phobia – involves fear of embarrassment in situations where others scrutinize or evaluate your behavior. This usually causes the sufferer to want to avoid these situations, although many simply endure the anxiety associated with these experiences. The most common social phobia is speaking in public, but other forms of this phobia include fear of writing in front of others, fear of crowds, test-taking phobia, fear of spilling food or choking in restaurants, fear of blushing in public,

or fear of using public restrooms.

Phobias – are intense fears and avoidance’s that occur when a person is exposed to a certain type of situation. These fears are specific to the sufferer and are sometimes unexplainable. Common examples include airplane phobia (fear of flying), elevator phobia, fear of thunder and lightning, animal phobia, acrophobia (fear of heights), doctor or dentist phobia, blood injury phobia, and illness phobia.

Taking Charge of Anxiety

Those who deal with anxiety in a positive way usually have:

a sense of self-determination
a feeling of involvement in life’s experiences, and
an ability to change negatives into positives

Self-determination refers to a personal ability to control or adapt to the events of everyday living. A great deal of anxiety is perpetuated by how we think about stress itself, and ourselves. Is the anxiety in control of us, or, conversely, can we learn to control the anxiety? Rather than seeing ourselves as helpless in trying to overcome obstacles, we can begin to define ourselves as problem-solvers. We can remember specific times when we have been successful in solving problems and then define ourselves in those terms. We can learn to trust that we will have success in meeting life’s difficulties. When we take this approach, we begin to face problematic situations as challenges which, when resolved, can bring new and exciting opportunities into our lives.

Involvement means opening ourselves up to the world around us and defining ourselves as active participants in life. It means letting friends and family members into our personal lives and sharing our private experiences with others when appropriate. Cultivating a social network serves us well when we are dealing with stressful situations. Talking our way through a crisis in the presence of a supportive listener, rather than holding it in alone, is one of our best ways of gaining helpful feedback, putting the situation into perspective, and sensing that we are not alone. When we lack involvement with others, we often feel vulnerable and may question whether we have the resources to cope with stressful experiences.

A positive approach toward life is one of the main attributes of those who deal well with anxiety. The life process is one of loss and gain – it’s as natural as night and day. When we trust that our losses will give rise to new gains and life experiences, the anxiety and worry associated with loss need not be devastating. For example, the loss of a job can open the door to more satisfying employment and the opportunity for more fulfilling life experiences. The clue is to change our negative thoughts about situations into more positive thoughts – and positive feelings will usually follow a change in thinking. For example, if a close friend moves away, rather than thinking negatively about how lonely and devastated you will feel, think about the good memories you will always have, how your friendship will leave a positive legacy that will always touch your life, how you can still keep in touch and visit, and how you can now spend your time in new and positive pursuits. There really is no need for overwhelming anxiety in this situation. We can choose to move toward the open doors of life rather than futilely knocking on closed ones.

The clue to handling stress and anxiety well is to acquire the skills we need to feel empowered. This requires a good, honest exploration into our lives. We need to explore the strengths that we already have for coping with stress, as well as to learn new skills. A professional therapist has a number of specific techniques for the treatment of stress and anxiety, as well as overall life strategy plans for dealing with these problems and other life experiences. We need to be able both to comfort ourselves and to let others nurture us as well. All of us can learn, with some healthy exploration, to manage anxiety successfully.

Additional Resources:

Manipulation in Relationships

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 02:11:42 GMT

We are all vulnerable to being manipulated in relationships, whether between romantic partners, friends, parents, children, employers, coworkers, or neighbors. When we allow another person to manipulate us, we are colluding with their desire to control our feelings, motives, and even our thoughts through deceptive, exploitative, and unfair means. A manipulative relationship is one-sided and unbalanced, advancing the goals of the manipulator at the expense of the person being manipulated. These relationships become troubled over time. If you want to change this kind of relationship, you must first recognize the features of manipulation and then look within to understand your contribution to the manipulation. There are effective ways to stand up to manipulation and bring balance back into the relationship.

Manipulation is not the same as influence. We all use influence with other people to advance our goals, and this is one of the hallmarks of healthy social functioning. Influence recognizes the rights and boundaries of other people, and it is based on direct, honest communication. Influence is one way we have of functioning effectively in the world. Influence recognizes the integrity of the other person, including the right not to go along with the attempted persuasion. Manipulation, on the other hand, depends on covert agendas and an attempt to coerce another person into giving in. Even though it may appear that the manipulator is strong and in control, there is usually insecurity under the façade. The tendency to exploit others and disregard their rights is a sign of unhealthy personality functioning. In fact, people who manipulate others have difficulty in maintaining good interpersonal relationships.

Those who manipulate other people are good at spotting people to control. If they feel unable to manipulate someone, they usually give up and move on to somebody else who is more likely to be receptive to the attempted manipulation. Once you recognize the features of the manipulation, the next step in correcting the situation is to discover your own contribution to the problem. (This statement may seem a bit difficult to accept. After all, it’s the manipulator who has the problem, you might say. But realize that manipulation cannot occur in a vacuum. As is true of any relationship, it takes two people.) You can come to understand your contribution to the manipulative situation and then take steps to correct it.

Here are some common traits of those who are vulnerable to manipulators –

You feel useful and loved only when you can take care of the needs of other people. This goes beyond being nice to other people. Your sense of worth is tied up in doing things for other people. In fact, you take this so far that you please other people at the expense of your own well-being. For example, you might buy something especially nice for your partner or a friend when you would never spend that kind of money on yourself. Manipulators are drawn to this type of person and have no qualms about taking advantage of this particular personality trait.

You need to have the approval and acceptance of other people. Although most people appreciate being accepted, a problem occurs when you feel that you must be accepted by everyone at all times. The core problem here is the fear of being rejected or abandoned – and it is so strong that you would do anything to avoid the feelings associated with this fear. The manipulator works by giving you the acceptance that you need – and then threatening to withdraw it.

You fear expressing negative emotions. Although expressing anger and engaging in a conflict are never pleasant, some people will go to any length to avoid a confrontation. They want things to be pleasant at all times. They fear that they will fall apart in the face of negative emotions. Manipulators have an easy task in this kind of relationship – all they have to do is to threaten to raise their voice, and then they get their way.

You are unable to say no. One of the characteristics of a healthy relationship is appropriate boundaries that clarify who you are and what you stand for. In order to maintain healthy boundaries, however, you must sometimes say no when someone attempts to push your limits. If you are afraid of the conflict that may arise when you say no, you play into the hands of the manipulator. Learning effective assertiveness techniques is a way to regain your sense of control in a manipulative relationship.

You lack a firm sense of your own self. A clear sense of self means that you know what your values are, who you are, what you stand for, and where you begin and the other person ends. If you have an unclear sense of self, it is difficult to trust your own judgment or to make decisions that work in your favor. Without a clear definition of yourself, you may be an easy target for a manipulator.

If you are in a manipulative relationship, it is helpful to recognize the personal tendencies that allow the other person to assert control over you. You can come to understand and explore these safely with the support of a professionally trained therapist. While you may not be able to change the behavior of the manipulator, you can change your own responses to attempts at manipulation so that you achieve a firmer sense of your own integrity. The unhappiness resulting from a manipulative relationship can lead to life-changing experiences that generate insight and the ability to cope more effectively with the demands of everyday living.

The Manipulator’s Tactics

Manipulation in a relationship usually progresses over a long period of time. Manipulators learn over time how far they can go. They are unlikely to attempt to manipulate the other person at the beginning of a relationship since this could bring things to an immediate end. They observe the other person’s vulnerabilities and learn eventually how to exploit them for their own purposes.

There are two basic tactics that are used to exert control, and they usually go hand in hand. The first is a promise of gain. That is, the manipulator will promise to provide something if the partner goes along with what the manipulator wants. “I promise – no arguments for a week if you’ll end your friendship with Pat.” The other tactic is the promise of avoiding loss. In this case, the manipulator threatens the partner with the loss of something if the partner does not go along with the manipulator’s desires. “I’m going to stay out with my friends late every night unless this house is cleaned spic and span by the time I get home.” (Of course, these two examples are obvious manipulation attempts. Most manipulators use more subtle methods than we see in these examples.)

Manipulative people have a strong need to be in control. This may derive from underlying feelings of insecurity on their part, although they often compensate for these feelings with a show of strong self-confidence. Even though they may deny it, their motives are self-serving, and they pursue their aims regardless of the cost to other people. They have a strong need to feel superior and powerful in their relationships – and they find people who will validate these feelings by going along with their attempts at manipulation. They see power as finite. If you exert power over them, they will retaliate in order to gain back the control they feel they are losing. They cannot understand the idea that everyone can feel empowered or that everyone can gain. When they are not in control – of themselves and over other people – they feel threatened. They have difficulty in showing vulnerable emotions because it might suggest they are not in control.

Those who are manipulative usually don’t consciously plan their maneuvers. They emerge from the manipulator’s underlying personality disorder, and are played out within the context of a victim who colludes with, and unwittingly encourages, the manipulation. There is a wide range of tactics used by manipulators ranging from verbal threats to subtle attempts to arrange situations to suit the manipulator. For example, one of the more common forms of manipulation is called splitting – turning two people against each other by talking to each one behind the back of the other, getting them to dislike or distrust each other, and leaving the manipulator in a position of control. They may use active techniques like becoming angry, lying, intimidating, shouting, name calling or other bullying tactics. Or they may use more passive methods like pouting, sulking, ignoring you, or giving you the silent treatment.

Some Ground Rules for Dealing with Manipulation

Focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator. It is not helpful to try to out manipulate a skillful manipulator – you are simply making yourself vulnerable to further manipulation. You will not change a manipulator by focusing on his or her imperfections and trying to work toward their achieving insight. You may think that it would be helpful to share with the manipulator how you feel and how his or her behavior has an impact on you – but this is generally not helpful since most manipulators are not capable of empathy and may use this information against you in the future. The only effective method of changing manipulative behavior is to disable it by making a change within yourself, thereby changing the dynamics of the manipulative relationship. If you cease to cooperate with the manipulative tactics, you will alter the nature of the relationship. If manipulators have to work hard to maintain control in the relationship, they usually give up – often by leaving the relationship and finding someone else to control.

Assess the worth of this relationship to you. Depending on the severity of the manipulation and the damage it has done to your sense of happiness and integrity, you may need to consider whether it is worth it to continue the relationship. Of course, there are many situations (parent/child, for example) when you must stay in the relationship, so it is helpful at least to achieve some clarity about what you want in your life and assess how the relationship has the potential to lead you toward your personal goals.

Use assertiveness techniques to change the nature of the relationship. You might be so accustomed to complying with the manipulator’s tactics that you automatically do his or her bidding without thinking about it. First, you need to stop your automatic compliance. You do this by buying time to think about each situation as it arises. “I’ll get back to you on that when I have the time to think about it.” At this point you are now in control of the situation. It is not helpful to let

the manipulator ask you why you need time since this invites your loss of control. Simply repeat the same thing over and over again without explanation. “I need more time to think about it.” Next, you need to confront the fear, anxiety or guilt that has driven you to comply in the past with the manipulator’s demands. This requires a deep look within that may be achieved by working with a professional therapist. Exploring your own personal feelings, why you react as you do, and how to use alternate responses may be a challenge, but the benefits are far-reaching – and they may save your relationship, or at least prepare you for healthier relationships in the future. Finally, you might label the manipulation for what it is. “When you threaten to leave me I feel afraid. If you would simply state your wishes and show me respect, I would be more able to listen to what you want.” In a calm voice and with direct eye contact, it may be time to announce that the old manipulations have come to an end. “We both understand that you have a pattern of playing on my fears, and now you know how I feel about that. Your way of threatening me is not going to work any longer.”

In making these types of assertive statements, you are defining your boundaries. There is no need to make threats. Simply state that you will not participate any longer in manipulations. Make it clear that by setting limits and enhancing your own personal integrity, you expect a better relationship in the future. Learning to assert yourself in the face of a manipulative individual who feels threatened when not in control is a challenge, and doing this with the help of a professional therapist is recommended.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/manipulation-in-relationships/
https://fvinstitute.com/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body/
https://fvinstitute.com/are-selfies-a-sign-of-a-mental-disorder/
https://fvinstitute.com/dependent-personality-disorder-diagnosis-and-treatment/
https://fvinstitute.com/highly-sensitive-people-strengths/

Transform Your Punctuality - 5 Reasons for Lateness | Naperville Counseling

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 02:05:25 GMT

“I’m always late, I’m always late, and it’s not because I procrastinate. – The White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland (the play)

Some of us have a pattern of being late for appointments, social events, classes, and project deadlines. No matter how hard we try, no matter how strong our resolve to be on time, it just doesn’t happen. We are always late. Researchers estimate that 15 to 20 percent of the population is afflicted with chronic tardiness. Thankfully, with some self-examination, motivation, and practice, people who suffer from this affliction can deal with it successfully and learn to be on time.

Research shows chronic lateness affects all populations equally - young, old, male, female, wealthy, and poor. Those who are consistently late score lower on tests measuring nurturance, self-esteem, and self-discipline, while scoring higher in anxiety and distractibility.

The Impact of Lateness

Walking into a room late creates noticeable tension - the glances between punctual attendees, the rolling eyes, and sometimes sarcastic comments like "Well, we're glad you could join us." Chronic tardiness affects both how others view you and your self-perception.

Cultural Time Values

Our industrialized society places high value on productivity and discipline. While some cultures embrace flexible timing, North American and several other societies prioritize precise scheduling and coordination.

Understanding Late Patterns

Several key factors contribute to chronic lateness:

Rationalizing through external circumstances or blaming others
Trying to squeeze too many activities into limited time
Seeking the adrenaline rush of deadlines
Struggling with self-discipline and momentum changes

The Stimulation Factor

Some people can't get started without deadline pressure. The anxiety builds, adrenaline flows, and they feel most alive when racing against time. Research suggests this stimulation-seeking may be hereditary, linked to brain chemicals associated with euphoria.

Building Better Habits

Early experiences shape adult time management. Natural body rhythms suggest we need balance between activity and downtime.

At Fox Valley Institute in Naperville, we help develop effective strategies for better time management and punctuality.

Secrets to Perfect Punctuality

1. Plan Your Time Buffer

Never estimate exact travel times. Add 15-20 minutes extra for unexpected delays and peace of mind.

2. Evening Preparation Ritual

Set out clothes, documents, and essentials the night before. This eliminates morning rushing and forgotten items.

3. Clock Management Strategy

Set important clocks 5-10 minutes ahead, but keep your phone time accurate for reference.

4. Priority Scheduling

Schedule important meetings early in the day
Leave gaps between appointments
Block realistic transition times

5. Technology Tools

Use calendar alerts and reminder apps strategically. Set multiple reminders for crucial appointments.

6. Break the Rush Addiction

Stop seeking the adrenaline rush of running late. Practice calming techniques when feeling the urge to delay.

7. Professional Support

Sometimes punctuality issues stem from deeper patterns. Our Naperville counselors at Fox Valley Institute can help identify and address underlying causes.

Start your journey to better time management today. Professional counseling can provide personalized strategies for lasting change in your punctuality habits.

The Art of Being Punctual

Being on time isn't just about watching the clock—it's about respecting yourself and others. Punctuality shapes how people perceive us and impacts our personal and professional relationships.

Why Punctuality Matters?

Arriving on time shows reliability and builds trust. When we're punctual, we demonstrate that we value other people's time as much as our own. Chronic lateness can strain relationships and create unnecessary stress in our daily lives.

Understanding Your Time Patterns

Most people who struggle with punctuality have specific patterns that lead to lateness. Some underestimate travel time, while others consistently try to squeeze in "one more thing" before leaving. Identifying these patterns is the first step toward change .

Practical Steps for Better Timing

Start by giving yourself buffer time. If your drive typically takes 20 minutes, plan for 30. Set your clocks ahead by 5-10 minutes to create a psychological advantage.

The Mental Health Connection

Being consistently late can be linked to anxiety, ADHD, or time management challenges. At Fox Valley Institute in Naperville, we understand these underlying factors and can help develop strategies that work for your unique situation.

Breaking the Late Habit

Prepare everything you need the night before
Set realistic expectations about how long tasks take
Use reminders and alarms strategically

Building New Time Habits

Creating new habits takes practice and patience. Start with small changes , like leaving 10 minutes earlier than usual. Celebrate your successes when you arrive on time, reinforcing positive behavior.

The Professional Impact

In the workplace, punctuality often equals professionalism. Being known as someone who arrives on time can positively influence career opportunities and workplace relationships.

Taking Action Today

Start your journey toward better punctuality today. If you're finding it challenging to make these changes on your own, our counselors at Fox Valley Institute are here to help you develop effective strategies for lasting change.

For professional support with time management and punctuality challenges, reach out to our experienced team in Naperville. We're committed to helping you achieve positive changes in all aspects of your life.

5 more Reasons for Lateness

There are several additional factors that might be associated with a person’s problems with punctuality.

If you are distractible, have difficulty with focusing, or have problems with attention, you might be prone to tardiness. For example, people with attention deficit disorder sometimes have problems with their punctuality.
Anxiety or the fear of having panic attacks may dissuade some people from getting to places on time.
Depression saps our energy, and this may make punctuality difficult.
Some people play a power game with others. If they can make others wait for them by being late, it gives them a false sense of power and control.
People with self-esteem issues may have trouble engaging in positive actions, such as getting to their destination on time.

A consultation with a professional therapist can help to clarify the causes of tardiness – and it is a positive first step in conquering a problem that holds many good people back.

Additional Resources:

Attention Deficits – Living with ADD and ADHD

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 01:59:18 GMT

Most people with Attention Deficit Disorder don’t know they have it. Indeed, the disorder was not recognized until the 1980’s, and it was not until the 1990’s that the recognition of adult ADD was established. However, it is a condition that can have a significant impact on the way a person functions in the world. Unfortunately, Attention Deficit Disorder is poorly named. It is not so much a disorder as it is a difference in the way some people process information and focus their attention. And to call it a deficit fails to recognize the many strengths that these people have. ADD, however, is perhaps a better name than the old word for it – minimal brain dysfunction.

Researchers used to think that what they called “hyperactivity” was a condition found in childhood that was outgrown during adolescence. We know now that about one-third of children with these symptoms outgrow them during adolescence, and the other two-thirds continue to show symptoms into adulthood. Adult ADD is the topic of much current scientific research, and many adults are now able to put a name on what for them has been a lifetime of feeling misunderstood. The professional community now recognizes two variants of this condition – the “hyperactive” type (often referred to as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or ADHD) and the “inattentive” type (commonly referred to as ADD).

Although not much is known today about the causes of ADD and ADHD, researchers agree that it is a neurochemical disorder, and it likely has a genetic component. That is, it tends to run in families. In fact, many adults with these symptoms don’t know that it has a label until one of their blood relatives is diagnosed with the disorder. It occurs in women and men, boys and girls, adults and children. It cuts across socioeconomic strata, income levels, educational levels, and levels of intelligence. It is not the same as a learning disability, dyslexia, or a language disability, and it is certainly not associated with low intelligence. Poor parenting, early trauma, labeling, or other psychological factors do not cause ADD. There may be, however, significant psychological problems that develop from growing up with the disorder.

The ADD/ADHD Experience

Think of ADD and ADHD as the inability to turn off stimuli. Most of us are able to block out information from our environment, and this keeps us from becoming overwhelmed. For example, if we are trying to concentrate on a book, we tend to block out sounds from music or television in the background. If we are trying to listen to a teacher’s lecture, we don’t pay attention to what we see outside through the window. We tend to focus on one line of thought at the time to keep ourselves from becoming confused and chaotic. The person with ADD or ADHD, on the other hand, cannot turn off these external stimuli as well as most people (although they certainly block out most stimuli). Their lives become a struggle to filter out and manage the oversupply of information they have to deal with. What they are trying to do is to protect their sensitive inner selves. If the amount of information from their environment becomes overwhelming, they can become overstimulated. “Hyperactivity” is simply the response of the nervous system to an onslaught of stimulation.

This brings us to the three defining symptoms of ADD and ADHD –

Distractibility – is usually associated with the “inattentive” type of attention deficiency, although it is found in both ADD and ADHD. Rather than focusing on one thing, the mind wanders to different arenas. Daydreaming is one of the defining characteristics of ADD. In conversation, the person may jump from topic to topic. In class, a student listening to a lecture suddenly finds herself looking out the window and then having fantasies about her upcoming summer vacation.

Other symptoms associated with distractibility include:

Inattentiveness to details
A tendency to misplace belongings
Difficulty in completing tasks once they are started
Avoidance of tasks that require concentration
Poor ability to plan
Forgetfulness
Disorganization
Impulsivity – is found in both types of attention deficit, ADD and ADHD. Most of us have the ability to insert a thought between a stimulus and our response to the stimulus. That is, we are able to inhibit our responses by thinking things through. Although people with ADD/ADHD are able to inhibit their impulses most of the time, at times they feel overwhelmed with stimulation and they simply take action without thinking about the consequences. This is why people with ADD or ADHD are quickly aroused to anger.

Other traits associated with impulsivity include:

Poor interpersonal boundaries (e.g., intruding when somebody is speaking)
Blurting out a response before a speaker is finished
Difficulty in waiting for one’s turn
Hyperactivity or Excess Energy – is found more frequently in ADHD than in ADD, by definition. It occurs when the nervous system is unable to cope with an oversupply of stimulation that cannot be controlled or filtered out. Rather than channeling this energy into daydreaming, the person stays connected to the energy and increases bodily activity.

Other Characteristics of ADD and ADHD

There are many other characteristics found in people with an attention deficit. (Most of us experience at least some of these in our day-to-day lives, so it is not advisable to conclude that you have ADD if some of these items describe your behavior.) These include:

Problems managing your time (not giving yourself enough time for a task)
A tendency to take on too many tasks at the same time
Difficulty in concentrating when reading or watching a movie
Problems managing finances and balancing a checkbook
Difficulty controlling temper
A history of underachievement and not meeting one’s goals
A history of periodic depression starting in adolescence
Depending on other people to take care of life’s details
Frequent moving and changing jobs
Difficulty with long-term relationships
A low tolerance for frustration
A tendency to stay up late and rise late
Losing track of the conversation when someone else is talking
Chronic procrastination
Frequently searching for high stimulation experiences
Hyper focusing at times to compensate for difficulty in maintaining attention
A sense of insecurity
Problems with negative self-esteem
A tendency to worry
Mood swings, especially when not engaged in an activity
A tendency toward substance abuse (especially caffeine, cocaine or amphetamine)

If you have many of these symptoms and are having difficulty in everyday living because of them, you might want to consider an assessment by a trained professional. Treatment for ADD and ADHD is generally effective and can have a highly positive effect on the quality of your life.

Other indicators of hyperactivity include:

Fidgeting (playing with fingers, feet constantly moving, toe tapping)
Restlessness
Difficulty engaging in quiet activities

A pressured need to talk

It may seem that having ADD or ADHD is a negative experience, but this need not be the case. In fact, many creative people and well-known historical figures probably had an attention deficit. For example, it has been speculated that Albert Einstein, perhaps the greatest mind of the twentieth century, suffered from ADD. He certainly had difficulty in his early school years, as do many people with ADD. But he also had many of the positive qualities found in people with this disorder. For example, people with ADD tend to be creative, energetic, talkative, socially aware, insightful, spontaneous, and enthusiastic. Once a person learns how to contain the symptoms that cause problems, the positive qualities can surface. In fact, with the proper treatment, people with ADD and ADHD can live productive, normal lives.

Some Considerations in Dealing with ADD and ADHD

People who suffer from ADD and ADHD, through no fault of their own, often cause difficulty for other people. Their minds might wander during a conversation, they might blurt out remarks, which are inappropriate to the situation, or they never show up on time for appointments. During childhood they might create difficulties for both parents and teachers, especially when their activity level is high. Schoolchildren with ADD may daydream frequently in class or may have trouble following a logical line of thought. They put off working on assignments and then turn them in late or not at all. It is easy to understand why people with attention deficits invite anger from other people. Other people often label the sufferer mercilessly and do everything in their power to coerce more appropriate behavior. The ADD sufferer is frequently treated in a thoughtless, and often brutal, manner by others.

People with ADD or ADHD are sensitive. They are highly aware and are bombarded daily with stimulation

that they need to manage. Their goal is to protect their fragile inner lives. Life becomes a struggle to maintain a balance between the integrity of the inner world and the onslaught of stimuli from the external. This struggle is intensified when they must deal with negative feedback from other people. Thus, people with attention deficit disorders often have to deal with self-image issues and depression. They constantly hear feedback telling them that they are intrusive, out of control, or low achievers. They end up feeling lonely and isolated. As they internalize the negative messages they hear from others, they begin to feel that way about themselves.

Because of the negative way the world tends to treat them, people with attention deficits develop psychological problems, even though ADD and ADHD have biological causes. Fortunately, a trained professional therapist is able to work productively with clients on these issues in a safe and understanding setting. Once a person with attention problems makes the decision to find treatment, a more normal and easier life lies just ahead.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/improving-togetherness-by-making-family-time-a-scheduled-event/
https://fvinstitute.com/stepfamily-life/
https://fvinstitute.com/setting-boundaries-can-bring-a-family-closer/
https://fvinstitute.com/5-tips-blended-families/
https://fvinstitute.com/the-dream-of-a-family-coping-with-infertility/

Emotional Unavailability

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 00:27:37 GMT

“Fasten your seat-belt. It’s going to be a bumpy ride” – Bette Davis

When we commit to a relationship, we usually expect that our partner will reciprocate with roughly the same level of emotional involvement that we put into it. Many of us hope to find a soulmate, a partner who can share and understand our feelings and ways of thinking on an intensely personal level. Others don’t expect such an intense level of involvement and feel more comfortable maintaining personal privacy within a more boundaries relationship. Conflicts may arise when the two partners differ in their expectations of how close they should become. One partner may feel emotionally stranded, feeling abandoned and craving more closeness, while the other partner may feel smothered or pressured into providing more of his or her emotional self than can possibly be given.

The course of a relationship follows a predictable path. The early weeks, months, or even years of a relationship, in fact, are a time of togetherness – when partners search for and experience the similarities that bring them together. It is common for a couple during this first phase to experience a level of emotional sharing so intense that they want to carry their relationship to a more committed level. The next stage, however, is when boundaries are established, when we focus on our differences and in maintaining our own individuality. Couples who can negotiate their way through both of these stages are moving toward a successful long-term commitment. Both of the initial stages typify a good relationship – the coming together phase, followed by the firming up of our own identities within the relationship. A solid relationship is one in which feelings can be readily expressed and shared while each of the partners is able to experience a sense of their own identities.

All too often, however, there is a discrepancy between the two partners in terms of how much of their emotional life they make available to the other. When one partner is able to share emotionally and the other is not, it is usually the emotionally available one who feels more pain. Take the classic example of a couple who have an intense courtship. One partner lavishes the other with flowers, expensive dinners out, and intimate phone calls. Sweetness fills the air and it feels like a dream come true. You have finally met “the one” you had always hoped to meet. But then, almost as quickly as it began, your partner fails to reciprocate when it comes to sharing emotional feelings. Dating comes to a stop, voicemail messages are not answered, and it’s over. There is no fight. There is no discussion about why things are coming to an end.

After you accept that it’s over, you struggle to make sense of the relationship and notice that the focus was always on you, and that’s why it felt so good. In fact, your partner knew a great deal about you, but you knew virtually nothing about him or her. You confused flattery and attention with emotional involvement. You may finally realize that your partner was unable to connect with you or anyone on an emotional level. He or she was an expert at luring people in, but had no ability to sustain an emotionally available relationship over time. It is a painful ride, but you can learn a valuable lesson from it – that relationships entail reciprocal self-disclosure and sharing. The next time, you’ll have the wisdom to know this before being drawn in.

There are many other examples of partners who are emotionally unavailable. Consider a few of them –

Some people seem to live to do things, the more exciting the better. They are adventure seekers. There’s always one more trip to take, one more skydive, one more mountain to climb. These people get their attention from their conquests, and not by making themselves vulnerable within an emotional attachment.
Beautiful people, unfortunately, sometimes grew up with the message that their looks are everything. They may have difficulty engaging in the mutuality of a sharing relationship because they have learned to search for gratification elsewhere. Time may change this, however.
Addicts are attracted to a number of different objects (alcohol, drugs, work, food, television, shopping, gambling, sex…), and may not be able to sustain an emotional relationship – not with you, anyway.
Some partners are more influenced by their over involved parent than they are with you. You may be seen as an appendage to the primary relationship – which is with the parent.
To the intellectualize, emotions are turbulent and unpredictable. Everything has to analyzed, quantified and categorized. Control is everything. Sharing feelings within a relationship is seen as dangerous folly.
A relationship with a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder is one-sided, in favor of the narcissist. They have a sense of grandiosity, a sense of entitlement, and a lack of empathy – so that they are more interested in self-love than love based on mutual sharing.
The keeper of secrets probably has some strong boundaries – or walls – in place, and is unable to engage in an emotionally available relationship. If your partner has a private life from which you are excluded, there are probably serious trust issues which undermine the success of a sharing commitment.

Working on Emotional Availability

Emotional availability refers to the ability of a person to share feelings with another person. In order for this to happen, a person needs to be in touch with his or her own emotions and able to define them. This person would have a good working knowledge of his or her own feelings and be able to identify when he or she feels angry, afraid, hurt, sad, happy, or content. Furthermore, the person needs to be able to read these feelings in other people. When these factors are missing, it is impossible for two people to experience an emotionally available relationship. Since people connect through their feelings, one who is out of touch with the emotional realm leads a lonely and isolated life, unable to engage in the processes of nurturance and trust that can be found within a healthier relationship. Fortunately, this condition is correctable.

We learn about emotions starting in childhood, and we continually refine our relationship with our emotions throughout our lives. We learn subtler versions of our basic childhood emotions during adulthood. We learn how to define them, how to categorize them, and how to express them appropriately throughout our development.

An Exercise: If you (or your partner) feel that you need some work in developing your familiarity with your emotions, you might try the following –

Throughout the day, keep a record of anytime you feel a certain emotion. Keep your list of emotions simple (e.g., “glad,” “sad,” “mad” or “bad – afraid or guilty”). Anytime you feel one of these emotions, identify the time of day, the emotion you’re feeling, and the circumstances surrounding the emotion (i.e., what was going on when you felt the emotion). Later, with your partner, a trusted friend, or your therapist, go through your list and share what you’ve written down. First identify what was going on when you felt a certain emotion. Try to understand why the event led to this emotion. Next, describe how the emotion feels within your body. Finally, after you have completed your list, talk about how it feels to share your emotional feelings with another person.

In addition to becoming familiar with your emotions, there are three other elements that are related to developing the capacity to be emotionally available –

Good Self-Esteem – The messages we have heard from other people throughout our lives – but especially during childhood when we are most vulnerable to the impact of these messages – have a profound influence on how we see ourselves. If people tell us that we have negative qualities, we eventually internalize this message and begin to see ourselves in a negative light. On the other hand, if we are treated with high regard from others as we grow up, we can develop positive self-esteem. People with good self-esteem value themselves, are confident in expressing themselves, and can engage in healthy reciprocal relationships with other people. Positive self-esteem allows a person to treat other people with high regard and to value the accomplishments and achievements of other people without feeling threatened. People with positive self-esteem like themselves, and, in turn, can like other people as well. They can make themselves emotionally available to another person.

Healthy Boundaries – Good boundaries show that you respect the individuality, personal space and privacy of other people – as well as your own. This ability, again, is developed most strongly in childhood, but is refined throughout our lives. People with poor boundaries intrude into the lives of others so that other people don’t feel safe around them. They gossip, reveal secrets, meddle into the private affairs of others, and, in general, fail to show respect for the dignity of other people – as well as themselves. People who grew up in households with poor boundaries have never been able to develop a sense of their own individuality or a sense of separation from their family members, so in adulthood they have difficulty honoring another person’s space. A person with porous boundaries may be emotionally unavailable because, in a sense, they are too available – so available, in fact, that they lack a clear sense of who they are. In order to be emotionally available to another person, you need a good sense of your own self that you protect. When you have good boundaries, you are able to protect the healthiest parts of both yourself and your partner.

The Ability to Trust – One of the core attributes we develop from the families we grow up in is a sense of safety. When we feel safe, we are able to trust in the world. But when we feel abandoned, rejected, or controlled, trust can become an issue for us in later relationships. And when our ability to trust is damaged, we may feel safer by walling ourselves off from our partner – and thus become emotionally unavailable. Trust is a deep issue that requires exploration and understanding, as well as some courage when we are finally ready to attempt to trust other people. The development of trust can be facilitated by working with a professional therapist in a setting that feels safe, and it may be a necessary step in making yourself emotionally available to your partner. When a person makes a commitment to us in a relationship, we owe that person respect – and that means making ourselves emotionally available to those who love us.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/emotional-unavailability/
https://fvinstitute.com/depression-in-men/
https://fvinstitute.com/dealing-with-holiday-stress/
https://fvinstitute.com/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body/
https://fvinstitute.com/are-selfies-a-sign-of-a-mental-disorder/
https://fvinstitute.com/dependent-personality-disorder-diagnosis-and-treatment/
https://fvinstitute.com/highly-sensitive-people-strengths/

Building Healthy Friendships One Step At a Time

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 00:21:24 GMT

How do these famous quotes sound to you:

“It is better to be in chains with friends, than to be in a garden with strangers.”

“Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice.”

“To have a friend, you have to be a friend.”

“The only unsinkable ship is FRIENDSHIP.”

Do any of these quotes seem unrealistic? Often people like to romanticize about friendship. But the reality is, like any relationships, they can be positive or negative. And they can take a lot of plain old hard work.

Some people yearn for intimacy in their friendships. Meanwhile, many others who have been hurt by a friend are afraid of intimacy in a friendship. When these two different kinds of people meet and become friends, it sets up an imbalanced relationship.

For the person looking for intimacy, it’s important to be sensitive of the other person. Are they being friendly but keeping a safe distance? If so, be careful not to push the relationship in a different direction. They may need time to heal. Or, they may not want to be as close to you as you may want to be to them. As much as that thought may hurt, it would hurt much worse to find out they really don’t want to be close friends once you’ve invested a lot of time and energy in the relationship.

And sometimes friendships take time to evolve. Be patient.

If you push a friendship artificially, you may end up feeling hurt, or worst betrayed if things don’t work out. That may make it hard for you to take the risk again. In essence you’ll become like the second person in our example.

On the other hand, if you’re the person who’s afraid of being hurt, you need to work out your feelings. Many people I talk to are struggling to resolve wounds from a friendship painfully gone bad. In some ways, being hurt in a friendship can often be more difficult than being hurt by a family member. Someone once said “You can't choose your relatives, but you can choose your friends.”

To better understand how friendships work or don’t work it’s important to understand how friendships evolve…

Usually you meet a new friend because you have something in common: you like the same sport or you’re in a group together or your personalities just click. So your friendship starts based on some kind of commonality. In the beginning you spend all your time talking about your common interests and you talk entirely about the present. Your conversations are about facts and information.

Then, over time, as a relationship grows, you find yourself opening up more. You express more emotion. You begin to share more of your history — and how you feel about events in your past.

And that’s when people get hurt. It’s not sharing the facts it’s sharing the feelings. In friendships, feelings create intimacy, not facts. And it’s when you feel someone has been insensitive to you or betrayed your confidence that you can get hurt.

As playwright Oscar Wilde said: “A true friend stabs you in the front.” Sometimes it’s not what’s done to our face, but what happens behind our back that hurts most.

And although male and female friendships look different on the outside, there is still intimacy developing under the surface. Under it all, true friendships have a deep sense of loyalty and commitment. A true friend is someone you can call and say, “I need you right now” and they’ll drop what they are doing to be there for you.

Over time, deeper friendships tend to weather more together, so they tend to be able to withstand more. These are the kinds of friendships that songs and poems are written about. In a sense, true friendship is what Woody sang about in Toy Story when he said:

“You’ve got troubles, I’ve got ’em too. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. We’ll stick together to see it through cause you’ve got a friend in me.”

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/building-healthy-friendships-one-step-at-a-time-tell-a-friend/
https://fvinstitute.com/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body/
https://fvinstitute.com/are-selfies-a-sign-of-a-mental-disorder/
https://fvinstitute.com/dependent-personality-disorder-diagnosis-and-treatment/
https://fvinstitute.com/highly-sensitive-people-strengths/

A Little Perspective Goes a Long Way

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 00:17:45 GMT

Sometimes a couple can see the same situation entirely differently.

His View…

Mike was exhausted. Work was rotten. Traffic was crazy. He just wanted to get out of his work clothes, grab a cold drink and watch the video he rented last night.

Backing into the driveway, he could tell things weren’t going to go as he hoped. CRUNCH. He pulled forward and saw his daughter Kaytlan’s new two-wheeler.

He walked in the house and smelled dinner burning. Turning down the burner, he tried to act upbeat and not let his bad day show through.

“Are we eating Cajun or Creole tonight?” he joked. “Whatever it is, it looks blackened.”

“What’s wrong, now?” his wife asked entering the room.

“Nothing.” Mike said. “Dinner was burning. I turned the flame down for you. If it’s O.K. I’m going to change and take a shower before dinner.”

As he turned to leave he caught the look in Jennifer’s eye.

“What’s wrong?” he asked gently.

“Davy didn’t take a nap today and Kaytlan needs help with her homework,” she said. “You might want to think of your family before you think of yourself some night.”

“I just want to relax,” he said cracking open a can of Coke. “They’ll still be here when I’m done with my shower.”

“Just once could come home and help out around here?” Jennifer replied. “I’ve had a really tough day.”

“Me, too. Can I have just five minutes?” Mike asked.

“Mommy! Davy’s sticking Cheese Munchies in the VCR,” cried out Kaytlan.

Mike stood silent. He mourned as his lost video time.

“Don’t worry about it,” snapped Jennifer. “I’ll take care of it. You just worry about yourself! We’ll just pretend your not here.”

She slammed the TV room door. Mike walked upstairs to the bedroom and quietly closed out the frustrations of the day.

Her View…

Jennifer had been running all day. Kaytlan overslept she had to drive her to school. Jennifer didn’t even have time for a shower, she just washed her hair and ran out. She couldn’t wait for Mike to come home from work and help her out…

CRUNCH. Uh oh. Did he hit Kaytlan’s new bike? Mike wasn’t paying attention again. He seemed so wrapped up with work lately. He’d even been ignoring the kids.

After tossing the rug in the wash, she hears Mike complaining in the kitchen.

“…Looks burnt,” she heard Mike say.

“What’s wrong?” she asked trying to act upbeat and not let her bad day show through.

“Nothing,” Mike said. “Dinner was burning. I had to turned the flame down for you. If it’s O.K with you, I’m going to change and take a shower before dinner.”

As he turned to leave he caught the look in Jennifer’s eye. “What’s your problem?” he said.

“Davy didn’t take a nap and Kaytlan needs help with her homework,” she said gently. “You might want to spend some time with them first.”

“I just want to relax,” he said spilling Coke on her newly washed floor. “They’d still be here when I’m done with my shower.”

He’s had his whole ride home to relax, she thinks.

“Could you help me out a little today? Just this once?” Jennifer pleaded. “It’s been a tough day.”

“And my day’s been easy? Can’t I come home and have some time to myself? All I want is five minutes.” Mike jabbed.

“Mommy! Davy’s sticking Cheese Munchies in the VCR,” called Kaytlan.

Mike stood brewing. Jennifer knew he was looking forward to seeing that video he rented last night. She felt badly for him.

“Don’t worry about it,” Jennifer comforted Mike. “I’ll take care of it. You just take care of yourself. Just pretend we’re not here.”

She closed the TV room door quietly behind her. Mike loudly marched up stairs to the bedroom and slammed the door.

In A Perfect World…

If you and your spouse write down how a quarrel looked to you after the anger has dissipated, chances are your transcripts will read like this. A good way to diffuse arguments can be to try seeing things from your partner’s point of view. The problem is that in the heat of the moment, it’s often hard to see things clearly.

Another solution is to recognize that conflict is part of relationship and not let an argument grow into resentment. And sometimes all it takes to understand your husband or wife is a little shift perspective.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/a-little-perspective-goes-a-long-way
https://fvinstitute.com/stepfamily-life/
https://fvinstitute.com/improving-togetherness-by-making-family-time-a-scheduled-event/
https://fvinstitute.com/setting-boundaries-can-bring-a-family-closer/
https://fvinstitute.com/5-tips-blended-families/
https://fvinstitute.com/the-dream-of-a-family-coping-with-infertility/

StepFamily Life

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 00:06:42 GMT

Finding Your Step In Your Stepfamily Life

Stepfamily Life – Understanding The Dance

You might be thinking that your own blended family looks like a chaotic group of people all dancing to a different tune, stumbling over one another and out of step. It can feel like your partner keeps stepping on your toes. You glance at the kids and find that one of them is drifting away from everyone and lost to their own rhythm, another one is a wallflower who refuses to dance, and yet another child resembles a whirling dervish.

Sometimes it feels like the faster we dance, the more the tempo increases until we are moving at a breakneck blur. It becomes a challenge to just stay on our feet.

I am familiar with all of the missed cues and often clumsy results of this particular dance because I have been part of a blended family.

There is nothing like lived experience to get a crash course on mixing the past with the present. Although each blended family is comprised of unique individuals, circumstances, and challenges, all of them are learning new steps in changing choreography. I remember each stubbed toe, sprained ankle, and bruised shin from trying to get it right. How in the world is it possible for everyone to dance to the new beat?

Psychological flexibility is a hallmark of mental health and it is particularly essential in a blended family. It sure would be great if there was a template to obtain that state of mind. A set of instructions would come in handy when everyone is trying to learn how to dance in a new way.

At one point I would have been thrilled to find a package of dance by number footsteps to stick on the floor. Anything that would provide clues about how to manage the process of where to move without stepping on someone’s toes.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (or ACT like a word) is an approach that offers a way to support a healthy and functional blended family.

ACT falls under the cognitive-behavioral umbrella and is a mindfulness-based way of managing life. ACT has decades of research that support it as scientifically valid and effective with a wide range of challenges. At the center of the ACT model is psychological flexibility which is defined as the ability to be present, open up, and do what matters. If your family is determined to learn how to tango, waltz through your time together, or even if your clan seems more suited to a good old-fashioned square dance there is a way to learn the steps.

There are six core processes that support psychological flexibility in ACT. An acronym that reflects how these processes work in our relationships is LOVE

L – Letting go (of resentment, blaming, criticizing, demanding)

O – Opening up (allowing difficult thoughts and feelings)

V – Valuing (i.e. taking action guided by your values such as caring, contribution and connection)

E – Engaging (being psychologically present and available)

Like any new skill set, it takes practice to learn and put these skills into everyday practice. Life in a blended family is filled with changes. With psychological flexibility no matter how many times the music changes everyone is able to keep in step. Using ACT techniques blended families are able to create some exciting new dances to enjoy together. There are resources for ACT online and in print materials. Here are a few I recommend for adults. In addition, there are ACT books and materials tailored for children and adolescents. A mental health professional can also be a great resource to help blended families learn new “choreography.”

Cynthia Avers part of the professional team of counselors at the Fox Valley Institute in the Chicago land area where their mission is to help families grow in health and wellness. Fox Valley Institute is comprised of sixteen professional and dedicated individuals offering individual, children, adolescent, marriage, family and group counseling services. They pride themselves on getting to know each one of their clients personally so that they may help them reach their goals to live a happier and healthier life.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/stepfamily-life/
https://fvinstitute.com/setting-boundaries-can-bring-a-family-closer/
https://fvinstitute.com/5-tips-blended-families/
https://fvinstitute.com/improving-togetherness-by-making-family-time-a-scheduled-event/
https://fvinstitute.com/the-dream-of-a-family-coping-with-infertility/

Improving Togetherness By Making Family Time A Scheduled Event

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 00:00:00 GMT

Q. I have a husband and three teenage children. We are all busy with our own schedules. How do we make time together as a family?

A. I applaud you for wanting to build togetherness in your family. Many people don’t realize the need for regular Family Time until problems arise.

Quality time can only come after a quantity of time. You need to spend a quantity of time together to build the quality of your family relationship. When there’s a sudden problem or crisis, it’s this time together that will give you the foundation you need.

The first step to getting time together is scheduling Family Time like you would any important event. If you try to find time together you never will – you need to make time.

You may wish things could be more spontaneous. Unfortunately, that’s unrealistic. With five different lives each with different commitments, it’s not likely that you’ll suddenly end up with an unplanned group activity every week. I guess you could say you need to plan your spontaneity.

Start with a family meeting to determine what night and time work best for everyone. The goal is to set aside a block of at least 3 hours every week for a group activity. Or if that’s too much for your hectic schedules, at least twice a month should be the minimum. Usually, Sunday night is a good time when all the weekend activities have finally wound down. It often works best to keep the time consistent from week to week. But sometimes, you may want to schedule your time to attend a special event like a concert in the park.

Be sure to plan ahead to give everyone time to put Family Time on their schedule.

Once you’ve set a weekly Family Time appointment, it’s important to keep your appointment. Being consistent is everything. If you don’t guard this time, neither will your teenagers. Everyone needs to know how important this time is to you. You should lead by example.

Now that you have a time set, you need something to do together. I suggest you let each child pick an activity. Maybe one wants to play a game, one wants to go to the movies and another wants to go out to eat. Let everyone participate. Everyone is more likely to want to be involved in an activity if they feel they’ve been involved in planning it. No one wants to be told what to do – especially teenagers. This process also helps them learn to make good choices.

It’s a good idea to rotate weeks, giving each child the chance to make the final decision for that week’s activity. You’ll notice I didn’t include mom and dad in the decision-making rotation. You may want to toss in an occasional idea, but it’s important for parents to step back. You have the authority and leadership throughout the week. This is the one time a week the teenagers have the chance to decide what they want to do as a family.

You may need to be sensitive, at times. One child’s idea for an activity may not be appropriate for another child. As the leader, you’ll need to direct the discussion by saying something like: “That would be great for you and me to do together sometime. Perhaps something else would be a better family activity.”

Along with having regular Family Time you may want to consider incorporating this interactive technique into your vacation time planning. And just as it’s important to have group time, it’s important to have one-on-one time with each child to develop that relationship. That will happen more naturally.

I know this all sounds simple, It is. But it’s not easy. At times, there will be schedule conflicts and even personality conflicts. Be ready to work at it and not give up.

Additional Resources:

Truth and Honesty in Our Relationships

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 13:46:27 GMT

“We had no secrets; We’d tell each other everything…”-Carly Simon

When we commit ourselves to a relationship with another person, we rightly expect to experience a sense of fulfillment that we didn’t have before. Humans, as social beings, seem to have a universal desire to find a partner. Sexual attraction often serves as the motivator for making initial contact with the other person, and this is usually replaced over time with a deeper sense of commitment and intimacy. It comes as a terrible disappointment to some people when the sexual phase of their relationship fails to lead in time to something deeper. The task, then, is to understand the forces which block the development of a deeper sense of intimacy – and to do something about it. Fortunately, with some work – and it’s often hard work – couples can learn to move into the stage of deeper sharing and more fulfillment in their relationships.

The excitement which comes with entering a new relationship touches us at the core of our being. It influences our thinking, our emotions, and our physical bodies. In some sense it feels like a dream come true. We feel that, finally, the hard years of experiencing the world alone have come to an end. The thing that we have longed for has been achieved. We now have a partner, someone who can share, understand, and appreciate our most private experiences. The world suddenly seems like a happier and more secure place. The beginning stages of a relationship can bring a precious sense of connectedness – but when that phone call doesn’t come, when a plan goes awry, when the wrong words are spoken, the emotional high can turn swiftly into a feeling of devastation. Being in love can have its downside.

Over time the physical stage of the relationship is typically replaced by a period of getting to know more about other aspects of our partner’s personality. Some of these characteristics are endearing to us – and others serve to irritate us. We learn how our partner attends to the demands of everyday life, and we learn that he or she may not do things the way we do them. Our partner may take a more aggressive approach than we do. Or we may find that our partner dwells on issues, mulling them back and forth, before coming to a decision – which is something that may create anxiety in us. Our partner’s sense of loyalty to the relationship may be different from our own. These differences may seem catastrophic during this phase of the relationship. And at this stage, rather than looking within to make our own personal adjustment to our partner’s quirks, we may try to force our partners to change their behavior. Power and domination may enter into the dynamics of the relationship – and this can have a major negative impact on intimacy. It is at this stage that genuine communication becomes important to the continued success of the relationship.

Genuine Communication

Communication is at the center of relationships. The quality of a relationship depends on the quality of the communication between the two partners. The most treasured times within a relationship are those in which we tap into our partner’s authenticity with heartfelt communication – those times when we talk truthfully.

Unfortunately, these moments come far too rarely for many of us. Those who can achieve physical intimacy are not necessarily those who can communicate well verbally. Why is this? Some people simply lack the tools and experience for talking about emotional issues. Others talk a mile a minute, needing to be validated by others but instead driving them away. Some people are guarded and have difficulty in opening up about anything personal. Some people are unable to listen to their partner – they always bring the topic back to themselves, or they may see their role as the one who gives (unsolicited) advice.

Some people interpret their partner’s desire for a serious talk as criticism. They become defensive when their partner tries to share the honest truth with them. A serious talk, then, can easily lead to an argument – and this leads to a failure of honest communication. The more failures there are, the less likely the couple will try to communicate on a genuine level in the future – to the detriment of intimacy in their relationship.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/the-intimate-relationship-intimacy-in-relationships-is-one-key-to-emotional-health/
https://fvinstitute.com/staying-together-create-healthy-committed-relationship/
https://fvinstitute.com/manipulation-in-relationships/
https://fvinstitute.com/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body/
https://fvinstitute.com/are-selfies-a-sign-of-a-mental-disorder/
https://fvinstitute.com/dependent-personality-disorder-diagnosis-and-treatment/
https://fvinstitute.com/highly-sensitive-people-strengths/

Telling The Truth: A Key To A Healthy Relationship

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 13:16:09 GMT

Truth is difficult for many of us. We all engage in a bit of self-deception in our lives. There are things about ourselves that we have not been able to examine or accept. We have difficulty in admitting our flaws – even to ourselves, much more so to our partners. Sometimes we guard our intimate feelings because we have been hurt in the past when we tried to share them with others, so that trust is a difficult area for us. For example, if you and your partner are feeling unloved and lonely, but you try to cover it up by saying that everything is fine, you will continue to feel isolated. Our commitment to a relationship means that we have decided to open ourselves up to another person, flaws and all. To continue to deceive ourselves with our partner impedes the intimacy of the relationship.

A relationship has the potential to provide a healthy way to come to terms with our issues, both personal and interpersonal. Accepting the truth, and talking about it, can free us of pain and set the stage for a healthier future. When we share our fears within the context of our partner’s loving understanding and acceptance, the fears dissipate. The issues we have been holding on to alone for so long lose their force when they are shared with someone who loves us. Telling the truth can bring down the barriers that isolate us from our partners. It can lead to a new level of self-acceptance and authenticity in our own lives – and this in turn leads to a stronger level of commitment and intimacy in our relationship. The truth can make us whole and set us free.

Here are some guidelines for telling the truth –

Understand what you intend to do when you communicate. This calls for an honest look at your motivations. If you intend to create healing, clarity, or a deeper sense of intimacy within the relationship, your intention will probably lead to these results. If, on the other hand, you want to make yourself look good and your partner look bad – or if you want to hurt your partner – then distrust will result from the communication.

Assess how well your partner can handle the truth. There are times when your partner may not be ready to have heartfelt talks. A clue to this is when your partner continually rejects, or is unable to hear, your attempts at increased closeness. If your partner tends to become defensive, if there is a history of fighting when serious issues are discussed, if your partner is unable to honor your personal information and can’t keep a secret, or if there is a history of betrayal – then it might be best to practice telling the truth with another person, not your partner. Then, when you feel comfortable in telling the truth and trusting, it will be time to engage in heartfelt talks with your partner. Some people prefer to start the process alone with a therapist, since they are trained to listen non-judgmentally and are less likely to take things personally.

Understand your own fears about telling the truth. Communicating on an honest and truthful level makes you vulnerable. You may fear getting hurt or hurting your partner’s feelings. You may feel that you will be misunderstood or that your partner will judge you negatively. Our fears are based on past experiences and reside within us. They are often unrealistic. The higher goal is to communicate truthfully with your partner in order to have a more satisfying relationship, and this means having the courage to confront your fears.

Accept the fact that your partner does not have to agree with you. Many of us are afraid to have intimate talks with our partners unless they agree with everything we have to say. Unfortunately, this leads not so much to intimacy, which involves a sharing and acceptance of our differences, as it does to control struggles and isolation from our partners. Accept, and even treasure, your partner’s individuality. Two people can be right at the same time in a relationship – it’s just a matter of two different interpretations of the same events. Intimacy occurs between two complete, whole individuals, each of whom honors their partner’s way of looking at the world.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/staying-together-create-healthy-committed-relationship/
https://fvinstitute.com/manipulation-in-relationships/
https://fvinstitute.com/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body/
https://fvinstitute.com/are-selfies-a-sign-of-a-mental-disorder/
https://fvinstitute.com/dependent-personality-disorder-diagnosis-and-treatment/
https://fvinstitute.com/highly-sensitive-people-strengths/

Listening To Your Partner Is A Way of Helping Grow Your Relationship

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 12:42:39 GMT

If you want your partner to be honest with you, you have to be a good listener. Communication is a two-way process. A good listener –

is nonjudgmental and open-minded;
doesn’t jump to conclusions;
understands that the truth comes out a little at the time, not all at once;
doesn’t try to impose his or her personal version of the truth on the speaker;
doesn’t interrupt and allows the speaker to finish talking before responding;
helps the speaker clarify what is being said;
can tolerate different opinions without becoming defensive.

People frequently hear something other than what is being said. We misperceive because of our own life experiences. If we frequently become argumentative or have our feelings hurt during conversations, it is helpful to examine our ability to listen without drawing conclusions prematurely.The way we hear what others say is often more a reflection of us than the other person. True listening involves looking within and developing the ability to hear correctly what the other person is trying to say. When people have heartfelt talks, their intentions are usually good.

The long-term success of any relationship depends on the ability of the two partners to achieve intimacy through their communication. When the two partners feel isolated from each other and blocked in their ability to achieve the closeness they once felt, it is time to work on expressing their innermost thoughts and feelings to each other. This involves a taking deep look within and a commitment to face the fears which have driven them apart. Telling the truth takes practice, and lots of it – first on your own and then with your partner. Looking within and accepting who you are – and then sharing this with your partner – is healing. It is a way to wholeness, both personally and as a couple.

What Are The Causes Of Depression?

steve@strategiconlinecorp.com (Steve Bailey) — Thu, 02 Mar 2023 12:32:45 GMT

Everyone feels sad from time to time. It’s only natural. Most people go through blue days or just periods of feeling down, especially after they experience a loss. But what experts call clinical depression is different from just being “down in the dumps.” The main difference is that the sad or empty mood does not go away after a couple of weeks – and everyday activities like eating, sleeping, socializing, or working can be affected.

Estimates indicate that perhaps one in three (some say one in five) adults in the general population experiences a depressive disorder (e.g., major depression, bipolar disorder, dysthymia, postpartum depression, or seasonal affective disorder) at some point in their lives. In any given year, over one in 20 people will have a depressive episode. For each person suffering directly from depression, three or four times that number (relatives, friends, associates) will also be affected to some degree. It is impossible to obtain exact figures because so many people try to live with this condition without looking for help. Recent studies suggest that this condition is on the rise, especially among single women, women in poverty, single men, and adolescents. National tragedies or natural or environmental disasters can also generate depressive symptoms for large parts of a population.

A depressive disorder can change a person’s moods, thoughts, and feelings. Without appropriate treatment, this condition can go on for a very long time – weeks, months, or years. Even among those suffering from depression, most do not know they have a treatable condition. Most blame themselves or may be blamed by others. This leads to the alienation of family and friends who, if they knew of the illness, would likely offer support and help find effective treatment. Although this is one of our most devastating emotional disorders, treatment can bring relief to over eighty percent of those who experience depression.

Several causes of depression have been identified. For example, the illness has been seen to run in families, suggesting that some people may have a genetic predisposition to depression – and this may show itself particularly during times of stress. However, it is important to note that just because you have a family member with depression, you are not necessarily going to suffer from this condition yourself.

Symptoms Of Major Depression

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 11:39:29 GMT

Not all depressions are alike. The nature of one’s depression depends on the cause and on each person’s individual adaptation to this disorder. Here are several generally recognized forms of depression.

Major Depression

A major depression is different from a state of normal sadness. People who experience depression describe it as agonizing pain that cannot be shaken and seems to have no end in sight. They feel trapped and often talk about having a dark empty pit in their chest or stomach that cannot be filled. Some depressed people contemplate suicide. Virtually all people with depression complain about reduced energy, reduced concentration, and the inability to complete projects. About eighty percent of depressed people say they have trouble sleeping, with frequent nighttime awakening during which they worry about their problems. Many people with depression oversleep during the daytime. Many people with this disorder report that they have had either an increase or a decrease in their appetite, sometimes accompanied by weight gain or loss. About fifty percent of people with depression say that their symptoms are worse in the morning and that they feel a bit better by evening. Half of all people with depression report only one severe episode within their lifetimes, but the remainder may have this happen twice, or repeatedly, during their lives.

Here are some symptoms of major depression
Diminished ability to enjoy oneself
Loss of energy and interest
Difficulty concentrating; slowed or fuzzy thinking; indecision
Magnified feelings of hopelessness, sadness, or anxiety
Decreased or increased sleep and/or appetite
Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
Recurring thoughts of death

Dysthymia

Another common form of the depressive disorder is called dysthymia. This involves having chronic, long-lasting symptoms of depression, which are not disabling but prevent a person from functioning at top capacity or from feeling good. Women experience dysthymia about twice as often as men, and it is also found in those who lack a relationship and in those who are young or with few resources (such as a low income or few social contacts). The primary symptoms of dysthymia (which means “bad humored”) include a depressed mood, a feeling of being down in the dumps, and a lack of interest in usual activities for at least two years. People with dysthymia can experience any of the symptoms of major depression, but usually not to the degree that may be found in a full-blown depression. Dysthymic people, though, are vulnerable to moving into a major depression during times of stress or crisis. Dysthymia often leads to a life without much pleasure, and many people with this condition feel that it is simply a part of their personality so that they never seek treatment.

Symptoms of dysthymia include –

Poor appetite or overeating
Insomnia (lack of sleep) or hypersomnia (oversleeping)
Low self-esteem
Poor concentration or difficulty making decisions
Feelings of hopelessness
Fatigue or low energy

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/suffering-and-then-recovery/
https://fvinstitute.com/what-about-depression/

https://fvinstitute.com/understanding-personality-disorders/

https://fvinstitute.com/stress-and-anxiety-disorders/

https://fvinstitute.com/social-anxiety-overcoming-shyness/

https://fvinstitute.com/sleep-sleep-disorders

https://fvinstitute.com/resilience-the-ability-to-bounce-back/

https://fvinstitute.com/punctuality-getting-there-on-time/

https://fvinstitute.com/ocd-obsessive-compulsive-disorder/

https://fvinstitute.com/manipulation-in-relationships/

https://fvinstitute.com/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body

Depressive Disorder

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 11:17:29 GMT

A third type of depressive disorder is bipolar disorder or manic-depressive illness. This disorder, which is much less common than major depression, is characterized by a pattern of cycling between periods of depression and elation. These cycles, or “mood swings,” can be rapid, but most often occur gradually over time. When in the depressed part of the cycle, the person can experience any of the symptoms of depression. When the person moves into the manic or¬†elated phase, however, he or she can experience irritability, severe insomnia, inappropriate social behavior (like going on spending sprees), talking rapidly with disconnected thoughts, increased energy, poor judgment, and increased sexual desire.

There is strong evidence that bipolar disorder is largely an inherited condition, and many people with this disorder respond well to medication.

Some symptoms of bipolar disorder are –

High energy with a decreased need for sleep
Extreme irritability
Rapid and unpredictable mood changes
An exaggerated belief in one’s abilities
Impulsive actions with damaging consequences (e.g., charging up credit cards, sudden love affairs, etc.).

Two other forms of depression –

Post-Partum Depression is linked to hormonal changes following the birth of a child. This can be a serious form of depression, sometimes with psychotic features, but most sufferers respond well to treatment. Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD is found among those who are sensitive to the shorter days of winter, especially those who live at northern latitudes. Many people with SAD respond to daily exposure to full spectrum lighting.

A depressive disorder is a serious condition which affects virtually every aspect of a person’s everyday life experiences. It is not a sign of personal weakness, although many depressed people feel guilty about not being stronger and tend to blame themselves. It is not possible just to “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” in order to get better. The sufferer should find the help of a trained professional. A depression is a time for introspection and reflection, a time to discover what has gone wrong and what can be made better. A trained professional can help the person with depression begin to see things in a more positive light.

Many people respond to psychotherapy alone in their treatment for depression. Others are helped by a combination of therapy and an antidepressant medication. Medications can facilitate the healing process. People also benefit by acquiring the life tools that are learned in psychotherapy. Recent studies have indicated that medication alone without psychotherapy doesn’t work in the long run as well as psychotherapy alone or psychotherapy used in conjunction with medication.

What is most encouraging about this devastating condition is that so many people do get better when they find the appropriate treatment!

Depression Checklist

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 11:00:14 GMT

Give yourself permission to feel depressed. Don’t expect too much from yourself, since this will only lead to feelings of failure – and this in turn perpetuates the depressive pattern. Don’t fight the depression so hard. Giving in to it may alleviate the depressed feelings. (However, if you have suicidal or other destructive thoughts, you are advised never to give in to these – and to consult a professional immediately.)

Try not to set difficult goals for yourself or to take on more responsibilities than you can realistically handle. Break large tasks into smaller ones. Set priorities and take things one at a time. Learn to comfort yourself when you feel depressed.

Realize that you may have negative thoughts – and that they are a symptom of the depression. One thing you may focus on in therapy is turning negative thoughts into positive ones.

Postpone important life decisions until your depression is brought under control. If you must make major decisions, consult others who can be trusted and can take an objective view of the situation.

It is important during a depression to avoid the use of alcohol or drugs. While you may feel a temporary “high,” this can lead to a dangerous pattern of highs and lows which can ultimately create a negative spiral that is very difficult to get out of.

Try to spend as much time as you can around other people. While this may seem impossible, it is better than being alone. It is important not to overdo it, however. Feeling better takes time.

Recognize that there are certain times of the day when you feel better. Use these times to your advantage.

While it may seem impossible, try to get some exercise. Pumping up your heart for even half an hour every other day does wonders for your mood, and you can do this by taking a walk. Don’t blame yourself, though, if you cannot accomplish as much as you think you should.

Treat yourself, everyday if possible, to some activity that makes you feel better. Take a walk in a park or enjoy a bubble bath. Read an interesting article, listen to some music you like, or attend a social or religious function.

A Depression Checklist

If you check at least half of the following items, you may benefit from a consultation with a trained professional who can help you in working through a depression.

____ It is hard for me to concentrate on reading or watching TV.
____ My future seems hopeless.
____ I do things slowly.
____ Pleasure and joy have gone out of my life.
____ I feel sad, blue and unhappy.
____ I have lost interest in things that used to be important to me.
____ I have difficulty making decisions.
____ I feel that I am guilty and deserve to be punished.
____ It takes a great effort to do even simple things.
____ I feel fatigued.
____ I have had thoughts about hurting myself.
____ My sleep is disturbed – too little, too much, or broken sleep.
____ Without trying to diet, I have lost (or gained) weight.
____ I feel depressed even when good things happen.
____ I have negative thoughts much of the time.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/understanding-personality-disorders/

https://fvinstitute.com/suffering-and-then-recovery/

https://fvinstitute.com/stress-and-anxiety-disorders/

https://fvinstitute.com/social-anxiety-overcoming-shyness/

https://fvinstitute.com/sleep-sleep-disorders

https://fvinstitute.com/resilience-the-ability-to-bounce-back/

https://fvinstitute.com/punctuality-getting-there-on-time/

https://fvinstitute.com/ocd-obsessive-compulsive-disorder/

https://fvinstitute.com/manipulation-in-relationships/

https://fvinstitute.com/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body

To Grieve Is To Be Weak

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 10:34:57 GMT

Society tells us

You have to be strong for your kids. Don’t let them see you cry.” Society expects us to avoid grief because it is a sign of weakness. When we say, “she is not coping very well” we seem to convey someone is failing in the grieving process if she directly expresses her sadness. We do not encourage others to cry, mourn, or openly express their pain.

We have things that need to be done.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/stepfamily-life/

https://fvinstitute.com/setting-boundaries-can-bring-a-family-closer/

https://fvinstitute.com/5-tips-blended-families/

https://fvinstitute.com/improving-togetherness-by-making-family-time-a-scheduled-event/

Setting Boundaries Can Bring A Family Closer

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 08:26:18 GMT

Lori was running late on her way home from work. She was excited. Her date was picking her up in about 15 minutes and she couldn’t wait to see him. As she rounded the corner to her block she saw someone in Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt on her front lawn – trimming her hedges.

“Dad!” she yelled to herself.

She stopped in the middle of her driveway, slammed her door and marched up to her father. Her face was beet red.

“Hi honey,” her father said. “I was in the neighborhood and noticed your shrubs looking a little bushy. So I thought I’d help you out.”

“They’re bushes, Dad. They’re supposed to look bushy. Can’t you ask before you do things like this?” Lori huffed. “I have a date coming here any minute and look at this mess of branches everywhere.”

“I didn’t think you’d mind me helping,” he responded smiling

You may have heard it said” “good fences make good neighbors.” In the same vein when dealing with family sometimes good boundaries can make for better relationships.

Although Lori’s story is comical her situation is common. Parents often want to be more involved in their adult child’s lives than the child wants.

It seems Lori has a problem with her father getting a little too involved in her life without her permission. Especially today. To avoid this becoming a pattern — or to help break this pattern, she needs to set boundaries.

There are many kinds of boundaries: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and others. A boundary is kind of a line that Lori might draw in her relationship with her father so he can understand what she views as an invasion or intrusion.

In this case, it seems Dad doesn’t know when he’s overstepping his bounds in his daughter’s life. He wants to continue to nurture his daughter, although she is now an adult and she doesn’t want this. He doesn’t seem to want to let go of his “little girl” emotionally and so does things like trimming her hedges for her. And he doesn’t see stopping by unannounced as an intrusion. To help her, Lori needs to set some emotional and physical boundaries.

There are very few absolutes in setting healthy boundaries. They have to be established by each person individually with an understanding of the traditions and culture of the family. For instance, some ethnic groups, like the family in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, tend to have closer families and fewer boundaries. This only becomes a problem if an individual is experiencing anxiety over boundaries or if it affects other relationships like with your spouse.

Sometimes a need for boundaries happens when someone, in this case Lori, doesn’t know when to say “no.” This pattern starts to evolve slowly and tends to creep up without us noticing.

If I was counseling Lori, I might say: “The first step to setting boundaries is to decide you want to change. The second step is determining what changes you want to see. I suggest you write a letter to help you put your feelings into words. I don’t suggest actually mailing the letter but just use it as a tool. Once you’re ready, sit down with Dad and tell him what behavior is uncomfortable, how it makes you feel, and what you want different.”

Lori might tell her dad: “Dad, when you come over every day to make sure I’m O.K., that feels like smothering and I’d like for you to come over just once a week.”

It’s important that if you want someone to stop doing something you replace it with something else. And you need to be clear on your expectations. Change is hard enough. But not understanding what the other person wants can make things even harder.

Setting boundaries may mean restating what you need again and again. Be patient. And be careful not to make boundaries a brick wall. You don’t want to destroy your relationship — you want to build it by setting comfortable parameters that it can grow within.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/setting-boundaries-can-bring-a-family-closer/
https://fvinstitute.com/5-tips-blended-families/
https://fvinstitute.com/stepfamily-life/
https://fvinstitute.com/improving-togetherness-by-making-family-time-a-scheduled-event/
https://fvinstitute.com/the-dream-of-a-family-coping-with-infertility/

Understanding Marital Conflict Can Help Make Resolving Quarrels Easier

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 08:19:05 GMT

Countless millions of adults in this country have a parent with a drinking or drug problem.

“Each fight really has three fights within it: the present fight, the history of the fight, and the family of origin fight…”

DING! It was round 2 of the Johnson’s knock-down-drag-out-fight.

Mary’s face was red. She wasn’t about to lose another fight. Joe wasn’t into the fight. He was mostly on the defensive, blocking her punches. This made Mary even madder. She wanted him to hurt like she did. She pulled out all the punches…

“You ALWAYS do things like this,” she jabbed. “I can NEVER count on you. Remember last time? Your apology was obviously just empty words.”

Joe bit his tongue to avoid escalating things.

Then, Mary wound up and blindsided him: “You’re just like your father.”

Whoa! Below the belt. DING! Time out. Back to your corners.

I’d like to say that in good relationships people never fight. But that’s very unrealistic. Arguments are a part of even the best relationship. But one secret of good relationships is, when they fight, they work to resolve the conflict.

Let’s look at why arguments happen, how to fight fair, and how to resolve conflicts.

Couples fight. It’s normal, healthy and natural. In fact, if a couple says they never fight it worries me more than hearing they have an occasional argument. Because if they’re not disagreeing once in a while, it means they’re probably holding in a lot of resentment. Couples fight because they’re human.

Now healthy fighting isn’t yelling and acting out. It means having an emotional disagreement without screaming or throwing things.

Before I go any further, let me set some quick ground rules for fighting fair:

Don’t use the “D” word. Never threaten divorce as a ploy,
Don’t compare your spouse to their parents. It will only escalate your argument.
Don’t feel you need to resolve things in one setting – getting away from the emotion and coming back in an hour or a day can make resolving the issue easier. If you choose to take time out, be sure you’re both clear on when you’re going to come back to talk about the issue.

Laura L. Bokar, Ed.D., L.C.P.C., L.M.F.T., A.C.S

Dr. Laura Bokar is the CEO of Fox Valley Institute; she brings twenty-five years of experience in the realm of family and marital therapy. Dr. Laura Bokar’s passion for helping people reach their greatest potential by encouraging growth in their lives and relationships was her premise in founding Fox Valley Institute (FVI) in 2001. Her vision has propelled Fox Valley Institute’s growth to a team of over twenty- five professionals. The team desires to service the community in promoting living a healthy and balanced lifestyle. FVI is recognized in the community for their expertise and the resources in the form of innovative therapies and evidence-based treatments they provide. FVI continually seeks to expand their services by bringing on additional experts in the field of behavioral health.

Additional Resources:

Healthy Sleeping Habits for Children

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 05:55:57 GMT

Healthy Sleep Habits For Children

Your child’s bedtime and wake-up time should be about the same time every day. There should not be more than an hour difference in bedtime and wake-up time between school nights and non-school nights.
Your child’s bedroom should be comfortable, quiet, and dark. A night light is OK, as completely dark rooms can be scary for some children.
Your child’s bedroom should be at a comfortable temperature during the night (less than 75 degrees).
Your child should not go to bed hungry. A light snack (like milk and cookies) before bed is a good idea.

Your child should avoid products containing caffeine for at least several hours before bed. These include caffeinated sodas, coffee. tea and chocolate.
The hour before bed should be quiet time. Your child should not get involved in high-energy activities like rough play, playing outside, or watching exciting TV shows or movies. Baths can be a stimulating activity for some children.
Naps should be geared to your child’s age and developmental needs. However, very long naps or too many naps should be avoided, as too much daytime sleep can result in your child sleeping less at night.
Your child should spend time outside every day and be involved in regular exercise.
Avoid using your child’s bedroom for time-out or punishment.

Additional Resources:

Treating Children Differently While Loving Them The Same

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 05:46:14 GMT

Of course you want to treat your children fairly, but because kids are different you’ll find you won’t be able to treat them all the same. That doesn’t mean you don’t love them equally. But you may have to structure things a little differently for each child.

When you say “harder”, I assume your question is more about how to discipline your children than how to treat them. In the area of discipline, more important than being equal is being consistent. I don’t know how old your children are, but I’ll assume they’re under 12. If your children are close to the same age, they should all have basically the same rules and the same consequences.

In that case, you really aren’t being harder on any one child. In essence, if she disobeys the rules, she’s being harder on herself. Remember that your goal is to be consistent. That avoids any appearance of favoritism. Unfortunately, in some cases, you may find yourself having to be consistent more often with one child than another!

A child’s behavior is more trained than taught. You can’t always reason with a child. You’ve set rules and it’s important for your child needs to learn to respect the rules and you as a parent.

One training method I recommend, “1 – 2 – 3 Magic”, was developed by child psychologist Thomas W. Phelan, PhD. He has a book and tape series you may want to check out at your local library or bookstore. (This method works for many children, but not all. Be sensitive of your child’s uniqueness.) Here’s how it works:

You sit down with your child and explain the system in their language. It’s a good idea to make eye contact with the child, use vocabulary that’s age appropriate and ask them to acknowledge they know what’s expected of them.

For instance with a four-year-old, you may say “Suzie, when you disobey, I’m going to count to three. If I get to three and you haven’t obeyed me, I’m going to send you to your room for a 4 minutes time out. Do you understand?”

Time out is usually a good consequence for small children. I suggest the number of minutes in time out correspond to his age. As children grow older, you may want to change the consequences to line up with their personality. For one it may be no computer time and for another no playing outside.

Back to your small children. Counting is a good system because it gives the child a set time limit to obey or face the consequences. The amount of time he has to modify his behavior is the same for each child in every situation. And the consequences don’t change. Sometimes it’s easier for a parent to be firmer on bad days and more lenient on good days. This method reduces that potential for inconsistency.

Counting also allows you to detach yourself emotionally. You’ve set the rules, now you just need to carry out the action plan. And it is fairer to all your children because no one gets more or less chances.

On the other hand, don’t make your counting a lesson in fractions. I’m sure you’ve heard other parents or maybe yourself counting: “: one… two …two and a half… two and three quarters…” Stick to whole numbers and don’t go beyond three.

Most importantly, both parents need to agree on this system. It will be impossible if the child gets conflicting messages. Children seem to innately know how to divide and conquer parents. So work together and be consistent.

Remember, although at times it may be hard to be consistent, doing so will make your life easier and will eventually teach your child valuable life skills.

Additional Resources:

Raising A Teenager Without Raising Your Blood Pressure

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 02:16:06 GMT

Anyone who’s been through it will tell you parenting a teenager can be a tough job.

That’s probably why Mark Twain once said: “When a boy turns 13, put him in a barrel and feed him through a knot hole. When he turns 16, plug up the hole.”

I’m sure Mr. Twain wasn’t trying to teach parenting skills but rather to illustrate the frustrations a parent can feel when dealing with teenagers.

You may wake up one morning when your child is about 13 or 14 and ask yourself “Who is this creature that’s taken over my child’s body?” Around this age teenagers want to begin to distance themselves from their parents and to try to find out who they are apart from mom and dad. It can be a grieving time for a parent as their baby begins to become an independent adult.

There can be a lot of conflicts when parenting a teenager. Sometimes the biggest one is an internal conflict – it’s the struggle between wanting to be the adolescent’s friend and being their parent. Unfortunately now, more than ever, you need to be their parent.

And, because of this, one of the hardest aspects of teen parenting is teaching responsibility. You may want your teen to like you. But more important for your child’s long-term wellbeing is teaching them responsibility by establishing rules and consequences.

No matter how your child may act, remember this: under it all, your child wants to feel protected. They want to know there are boundaries – they just may not know how to ask for them. In fact, I find it very interesting that often adolescents who find themselves on the wrong path want to get caught. Why? They usually want to stop a bad behavior but may not know how. They need your help.

Because you know your child best, you’ll know what areas they may need more guidelines in. Some common areas for rule setting for early teens are: clothing, study time, friends, curfew, and activities.

I find one of the biggest conflicts is over friends. You may start to see your child hanging around with different kids who are doing things you don’t want your son or daughter to do. You need to clarify which friends you find acceptable and which you don’t. And although you may try to explain why you don’t want your child to be friends with a bad influence, often the best response is the parents’ trump card phrase: “Because I said so.”

Perhaps you don’t feel a need to set any boundaries for your teenager because you felt your upbringing was too strict. You’d be doing a great disservice to your teen. Assuming your child knows right from wrong is usually a bad assumption. As they try to test the waters, they’ll often step over a line. If there’s no line, they could go too far.

Once you’ve set rules, you’ll need to set consequences. Common consequences are taking away certain privileges (like video game or telephone use) or being grounded. The consequence should have impact but not be too long as to create a sense of indifference. Sometimes the best person to consult when setting consequences is your child. Believe it or not, teenagers often set consequences for themselves much harsher than you might.

But above all, once you set a consequence you need to carry it out. I’ve heard of one parent who threatened to take his daughter’s door away if she didn’t stop slamming it. The next day when his daughter came home from school, her door had been taken off the hinges. (Seems there are no idle threats in this house.) And needless to say, when the door was replaced it wasn’t slammed again!

Enforcing the rules can be hard sometimes. Again allow your teen to help you police the rules. They can be very creative. I heard of one mother who wanted her son home early one night because she wanted to get to sleep early. Because his curfew was longer, the teen created a mutually agreeable solution. He put his alarm clock outside of his parents door and set it for his curfew. If he wasn’t home before curfew the alarm would go off and his parents would know. If he was home, everyone could sleep well. Problem solved.

The transition from parenting a child to an adolescent can be made a little easier by setting the pattern for rules and consequences when your child is young. A technique I recommend for young children is called 1-2-3 Magic. (see my All For You column titled “Treating Children Differently While Loving Them The Same” in my articles archive: www.fvinstitute.com.)

Parenting is a tough job. A little support can go a long way toward making the job easier. If you have a partner, be sure you talk to each other about it. If you’re a single parent, it may be a good idea to build a network of other parents to lean on when the stress of dealing with your teenage seems overwhelming.

Or you could find a good barrel maker.

Additional Resources:

The Reasons Why Girls Bully and Ways to Help your Teen: The harsh realities of being a teenage girl

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 02:01:12 GMT

Melissa Pasquinelli LCPC, NCC

Almost all girls experience some kind of bullying in their life, whether they were bullied or were the bully. I know that I have been the bully and the victim. My experience was very traumatic at the time. One of my best friends had written me a note. It was very common for my friends and I to pass notes all day at school. Not even aware of her true feelings, I happily opened it assuming the content would be what she was doing this weekend or what boy she liked this week. Unfortunately, it was a letter stating that she did not want to be my friend anymore. However, it wasn’t only her signature it was about five of my friends. A petition telling me that I wasn’t good enough to be their friend anymore. There was no reason why. I rushed away in tears and went to the counselor’s office. Ironically I ran into a peer that I had previously bullied with the girls that had bullied me. She provided me with open arms and I was grateful for her acceptance. I will never forget her acceptance and forgiveness.

So why do teenage girls bully? Usually it’s more about the bully rather than the victim. Bullies are attempting to improve their self-worth by using others as a way to project their feelings. These feelings could be anger, sadness, or even fear. It also can be about social status, need for attention, or even jealousy. The approach girls use to bullying is called relational aggression. It’s much different than boys. Boys will tease and use physical aggression. Although some girls will use violence too; relational aggression is more common and more difficult to detect. It can range from spreading rumors, ostracizing, threats, silent treatment, defending someone for no reason, whispering in front of the person, and gossip (Leff, Waasdorp, Crick, 2010). They will likely involve their peers to gain more power in the situation. Boys will get over it quicker and can move on from it. Girls spend time planning and plotting how to hurt their victim. The emotional damage is much greater which makes it harder for the peers to amend their conflict. Girls who are being bullied likely will experience symptoms of anxiety and depression. Which means as parents we have to be proactive.

How can we help our teen?

Education is key, having conversations with your teen about what is bullying and how to detect it. Share your story, most parents have some type of bullying story, this will validate that they are not alone.

Emotional intelligence is important for every teen. Being connected to their feelings will allow validation, which will usually help the emotion be less overwhelming for the teen. Alternative ways to express yourself. Allow them to express their feelings through writing. This will allow your teen to not internalize their feelings if it is difficult for them to express them verbally. Give your teen a journal to encourage them to write freely about how they feel. Resources: Encourage your teen to utilize their school counselor, group counseling or a private counselor. Having someone to discuss their experiences and ways to manage this type of stress. Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons discussed the girl’s development and the relational aggression culture that is hard for adults to detect. This book allows us to identify what relational aggression is and how we can instill confidence in our teen girls.

Model appropriate behaviors when dealing with conflict. Our children are always watching and learning from us. Instilling confidence in our teens can be challenging however, it is vital, so help them through this by modeling self-esteem.

My experience is a perfect example of relational aggression. After that experience, I was very careful not be involved in bullying and treated my peers with respect. I never wanted to inflict pain on someone like those friends had done on that day. Looking back now I realize that I was better off without those friends. I was able to move on and established relationships that were healthy and accepted me for who I am.

Leff, Stephen S, Waasdorp, Tracy Evian, Crick R. Nikki. A Review of Existing Relational Aggression Program: Strengths, Limitations, & Future direction. School Psych Rev. 2010. 39 (4). Simmons, Rachel. Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls. Harcourt, Incorporated. New York 2002.

Additional Resources:

Tips to Raise Self-Esteem for Teens

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 01:51:24 GMT

Tips to Raise Self-Esteem for Teens

Self-esteem, or how you feel about yourself, will be challenged during the teenage years. Despite the obstacles of this time period, there is great potential for healthy self-esteem development. Psychologist, Erik Erikson, theorized that there are developmental stages we all face throughout different periods of our life. He states that the teenage developmental period is marked by an evaluation of one’s identity and ultimately a decision will be made about who you are to become as a person. This is no easy task set forth for teenagers to accomplish!

In your pursuit for identity development and self-esteem building, consider the following helpful strategies in getting you started on your journey:

(1) Manage your inner critic: pay attention to how you talk to yourself!

Are you kind to yourself? Do you beat yourself up unfairly? Are you your own worst enemy? Try to be kind to yourself and remember that you are growing and changing and trying to figure out who you are! This is not an easy journey and you need encouragement, not discouragement. Learn to speak kinder and fairer to yourself. As you learn to find a healthy voice, take more opportunities to share your thoughts and feelings. This will help to raise your self-esteem as you begin to feel more assertive. When you struggle with negative self-talk it is also difficult to take in the kind words of other people. Try to practice accepting compliments when you receive them and try to give them more as well.

(2) Focus on your successes: how often do you take the opportunity to praise yourself?

Do you spend so much time thinking about your imperfections that you forget to notice the things that are going well? Everyone excels at something different. Focus on your strengths and what you are good at but be careful with comparisons! Once you have identified what you are good at, take time to build those skills and qualities. If you are having trouble figuring out what you are good at, experiment with new things until you find it! Discovery of your own unique skills and attributes will increase your self-esteem.

(3) Meet your need to belong (in a healthy way): being a part of a group is very important!

Your peers and friends are an influential part of your life. Take stock in who you spend most of your time with. Are they the best influence for you? Do they bring out the best in you? Not only does it increase self-esteem to feel a sense of belonging, it increases self-esteem when the people you spend time with bring out the best in you. Surround yourself with people you can have fun with. You will feel less pressure in these relationships and be able to relax more.

(4) Make a contribution: doing things for others has been shown to raise self-esteem.

Find some time to volunteer or help a classmate. It does not take something grand to ‘give back’ because all gestures go a long way. This will naturally help you to build a healthy self-concept.

Additional Resources:

What Causes OCD?

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 00:47:22 GMT

Despite the myths that early childhood experiences (like the way one is toilet trained) might lead to OCD, there is no real evidence to support this notion (although one may end up with a particularly rigid personality because of early childhood training). There does seem to be a genetic component to this disorder, however. It runs in families. There is evidence that it may be related to brain chemistry, especially with neurotransmitters such as serotonin.

Furthermore, about one-fourth of all those with this disorder seem to have it triggered by a stressful life experience. While the exact cause is not known, it appears that OCD results from a combination of inherited predispositions combined with environmental factors. These environmental factors may include trauma, childhood neglect, family stress, illness, divorce, accidents, as well as major life transitions such as adolescence, leaving home, marriage, parenthood, and retirement.

Some Common OCD Obsessions

Fear of getting a disease
Fear of being contaminated or infected by things in the environment
Fear that a disaster will occur
Fear of committing a crime or harming oneself or others
Recurring sexual thoughts and images
Fear of losing things that will be needed later, resulting in hoarding and collecting things
Concern over order, structure, exactness
Excessive worry over religious issues, morality, and issues of right and wrong

Some Common OCD Compulsions or Rituals

Grooming behaviors, like washing hands repeatedly
Changing clothes again and again
Counting to oneself over and over
Arranging things in a certain ritualistic way
Checking light switches, stove burners, locks, or electrical outlets constantly
Hoarding things like magazines or mail

Some Common OCD Patterns

Counting and Repeating: Some people with OCD feel that they have to count things, like passing automobiles or the number of seconds it takes to brush one’s teeth. They may feel that they have to repeat a word a certain number of times in order to protect themselves or someone else from harm, or they may feel that they have to change clothes repeatedly before leaving the house.

Protecting Against Contamination: The most common form of compulsion is repeated cleaning and washing. Some OCD sufferers may wash their hands thirty, forty, or more times a day, or they may take a shower several times throughout the course of a day. If someone has come into the house, they may later scrub the house thoroughly to avoid possible exposure to germs or other contaminants.

Checking: A common OCD compulsion involves checking things over and over again to make sure that everything is in order. A person may check the locks on the doors repeatedly or go through all the light switches in the house to make sure that they are turned off. They know logically that everything is alright, but they have a secret feeling that things should be checked again and again. They may go over a report on the job or at school so often that they cannot get things in on time.

Hoarding: Some people cannot throw out anything. In order not to lose anything of importance, they will save old mail, newspapers, magazines, old clothes, dead plants, or used containers until it becomes impossible to maneuver through the house.

Strange Movements: Sometimes rituals can be seen in the form of odd movements, like making every fourth step a skip while walking or rotating one’s neck a certain number of times before entering a room.

Being Scrupulous: Some people with OCD will do anything to avoid certain thoughts or actions. For example, their obsessions may lead them to avoid certain words in their speech, certain places, some items of clothing, or consuming certain foods or drinks.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/understanding-personality-disorders/

https://fvinstitute.com/suffering-and-then-recovery/

https://fvinstitute.com/stress-and-anxiety-disorders/

https://fvinstitute.com/social-anxiety-overcoming-shyness/

https://fvinstitute.com/sleep-sleep-disorders/

https://fvinstitute.com/resilience-the-ability-to-bounce-back/

https://fvinstitute.com/punctuality-getting-there-on-time/

https://fvinstitute.com/ocd-obsessive-compulsive-disorder/

https://fvinstitute.com/manipulation-in-relationships/

https://fvinstitute.com/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body/

How To Recognize A Person With Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)?

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 00:31:16 GMT

What is Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?

Compulsions are repetitive behaviors performed in response to obsessive thoughts in order to relieve anxiety or worry. The discomfort of an obsessive thought compels the sufferer to want to contain or neutralize the discomfort by engaging in some ritualistic behavior. These compulsions can be mental acts, such as counting, praying, repeating words silently, or repetitive behaviors such as checking, hand washing, or putting objects in order. People with OCD do not experience pleasure from performing these behaviors they engage in them in order to avoid some dreaded consequence, such as harm that might come to others or to themselves, if they do not perform the rituals.

Some OCD Statistics

Approximately 70% of those with OCD will suffer from a major depression at some point in their lives. There is a slightly higher incidence of OCD in women if it first appears during adolescence. However, if it first shows itself in childhood, boys with OCD outnumber girls by about two to one. What these statistics show is that if you suffer from OCD, you are not alone. People with OCD keep it a secret, so we don’t usually realize how many of the people have it.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/understanding-personality-disorders/

https://fvinstitute.com/suffering-and-then-recovery/

https://fvinstitute.com/stress-and-anxiety-disorders/

https://fvinstitute.com/social-anxiety-overcoming-shyness/

https://fvinstitute.com/sleep-sleep-disorders/

https://fvinstitute.com/resilience-the-ability-to-bounce-back/

https://fvinstitute.com/punctuality-getting-there-on-time/

https://fvinstitute.com/ocd-obsessive-compulsive-disorder/

https://fvinstitute.com/manipulation-in-relationships/

https://fvinstitute.com/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body/

Therapy For Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 00:17:56 GMT

It is when the rituals become so time-consuming and the person is no longer able to function on the job or at home that the victim of OCD seeks help. Thus, the number of people with OCD far exceeds the number who actually receive treatment for the disorder. Happily, OCD does not need to be a debilitating life condition. Although there is no cure at this point, the symptoms can be controlled so that OCD need not interfere with normal everyday living.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/understanding-personality-disorders/