4 Solid Predictors of a Relationship in Trouble

When a relationship is in severe trouble there are four communication styles that The Gottman Institute research identifies as predictors that a relationship will end. John Gottman calls them The Four Horsemen – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

1. Criticism is distinctly different than stating a complaint. It is an attack on the partner’s character, with the intent to harm. It is crucial to learn the difference between complaining and criticizing.
2. Contempt is treating the other with disrespect, ridicule, name-calling, and sarcasm. Its intention is to make one feel worthless. Contempt is the single predictor of divorce. This communication style needs to be addressed and eliminated.
3. Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. It happens when a partner feels wrongly accused and finds excuses. The intent is to get the partner to back off. Defensiveness is necessary at times but, when used in a stressful situation, may increase the conflict.
4. Stonewalling is typically a response to contempt. The partner stops listening and responding. They back off or shut down from any interactions with their partner. The intent is to avoid addressing a difficult issue. It is crucial during this time to recognize the behavior, ask for a break, and return with a more open attitude.

I write about the Four Horsemen because they are the most common indicators that therapists use to identify a relationship in trouble. These communication styles are not difficult for therapists to identify when working with a couple and yet they can be the most challenging to change. Fortunately, when a couple comes in wanting to improve their relationship and does what is necessary to change, they can create a new relationship.

The encouraging news is that these patterns can change. Some couples learn to notice criticism or defensiveness as it happens and take a break when emotions run high. When they come back to the conversation more gently, the same disagreements often feel far less threatening. Marriage counseling gives you a structured place to practice those skills with support. If you see your relationship in any of these predictors, reaching out sooner rather than later gives you the most room to turn things around.

Related reading:

What Is Stonewalling in a Relationship?

What Is the Gottman Method?

Can Couples Counseling Save a Relationship?

Why Productive Conflict Is Crucial for a Successful Marriage

Marriage & Couples Therapy at Fox Valley Institute

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the Four Horsemen in a relationship?

The Four Horsemen are four communication patterns identified by The Gottman Institute research as strong predictors of relationship breakdown: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

What is the difference between a complaint and criticism?

A complaint addresses a specific behavior, such as I felt hurt when you were late. Criticism attacks your partner's character, such as you never care about anyone but yourself.

Why is contempt so damaging?

Contempt, including sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling and name-calling, communicates disgust and superiority. It erodes respect and is considered the single strongest predictor of divorce.

What can couples do instead of the Four Horsemen?

Use a gentle start-up instead of criticism, build a culture of appreciation instead of contempt, take responsibility instead of getting defensive, and take a break to calm down instead of stonewalling.

Can a relationship recover if these patterns are present?

Yes. Many couples learn to change these patterns with effort and support. Couples counseling can help you recognize them and practice healthier ways to communicate. Fox Valley Institute offers couples counseling in Naperville and by telehealth across Illinois. Call (630) 718-0717 to get started.