Managing the Conflict and Emotions of Divorce Through Therapy

Sometimes, marriages do not succeed. The end of a marriage can be a relief to some people, but it can also be an extremely stressful event. Even the partner who chooses to leave may experience a wide range of emotions and intense feelings that may be painful or difficult, such as grief, guilt, anger, confusion, fear, and anxiety. If children are involved, the stress level within a divorcing family is likely to be even higher.

Children will directly benefit from the divorce therapy their parents receive. Parents may often be consumed with their own feelings during a divorce, they might overlook the emotional state of their children, who may be confused by the divorce or feel guilt, loss, pain, or abandonment. Children may not be sure which parent they should “choose,” or be loyal to, and they might also worry that they are the cause of the divorce. When parents are in high conflict with each other, a child may feel even more fearful, and a child who often hears his or her parents argue about custody arrangements might feel as if he or she is unwanted by either parent, or as if he or she is to blame for the separation.

Although not the intention of most parents, putting children in the middle of conflict is particularly harmful. Examples of this are: asking children to carry messages between parents, grilling children about the other parent’s activities, telling children the other parent does not love them, and putting the other parent down in front of the children. Poorly managed conflict between parents increases children’s risk of behavior problems, depression, substance abuse and dependence, poor social skills, and poor academic performance.

Parents want the best for their children. Yet, high conflict can overshadow this desire and pull parents’ energy away from promoting their children’s best interests. Fortunately, there are approaches by which divorce professionals can help parents reduce conflict. Options include mediation, collaborative divorce, parenting/ co-parent counseling, and relationship counseling.

ROLE OF A THERAPIST

When a people separate or divorce but continue to struggle with communication and making decisions with one another, a clinical therapist who has experience working with families can help improve communication skills, design strategies for preventing and reducing conflict, bring understanding about the grief/loss process of ending the relationship and guide them through the journey of building a new life.

Divorce therapy is a type of therapy which allows couples to better achieve the dissolution of the marriage in a healthy, constructive fashion. An experienced therapist can act as a sort of mediator and set guidelines to ensure that the divorce is achieved with minimal hostility and emotional damage. Therapists can also help address pertinent issues, such as living arrangements, financial obligations, and parenting responsibilities.

BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS

Getting Apart Together: The Couple’s Guide to a Fair Divorce Or Separation

Martin Kranitz

Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way

by M. Gary Neuman, Patricia Romanowski, Sandra Blakeslee, Judith S. Wallerstein

Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce

by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll

Frequently Asked Questions

What is divorce therapy?

Divorce therapy helps separating or divorcing partners manage the emotions and conflict of ending a marriage, communicate more effectively, and make decisions together with less hostility, especially when children are involved.

How does divorce affect children?

Children often feel confusion, sadness, guilt or worry about the future. Being caught in the middle of parental conflict is especially harmful, while a calm, cooperative co-parenting relationship helps children adjust.

How can a therapist help divorcing parents co-parent?

A therapist provides a neutral space to improve communication, set ground rules, plan for parenting schedules and transitions, and keep the focus on the children's needs rather than past conflict.

Is it normal to feel relief and grief during a divorce?

Yes. Divorce can bring a mix of relief, grief, guilt, anger, fear and anxiety, even for the partner who chose to leave. Therapy can help you make sense of these feelings and move forward.

How do I get started with divorce or co-parenting counseling?

Fox Valley Institute therapists support individuals, couples and families through separation and divorce, in our Naperville office or by telehealth across Illinois. Call (630) 718-0717 to get started.