One Absolutely Necessary Ingredient for a Great Relationship that No One Talks About

What is the ingredient that could change everything? This one ingredient is essential to building a more authentic relationship which may seem obvious but isn’t. The one absolutely necessary ingredient for a great relationship that no one talks about is the need to understand. Yes, the need to understand. How does this important factor get missed when people talk about relationships? When we are learning anything new, what do we typically do? We google information, purchase a book on Amazon, talk to those who appear to be in great relationships and we obsess about it. We do all of this to help us understand. Without understanding, we most likely won’t know how it works, what it needs, how to take care of it, and most likely won’t invest much time with it after we have it. If we don’t understand our significant other, then how will we know what they need and how to love them?

I was working with a couple where the wife, Sarah, was raised in a very loud, angry and verbally abusive family. Matt, her husband, was also raised in a loud family but for a different reason. He was one of four boys who all loved watching sports together. They would get very excited and also frustrated over games on TV. When Sarah and Matt married, they did not know much about each other’s history growing up. So when Matt would yell and scream at the football games, Sarah would become very frightened and leave exit the room. Matt was confused because he wanted Sarah to watch the games with him just like at home with all his brothers. It was not until Matt and Sarah had a conversation that a new understanding was developed. Sarah would become scared when Matt raised his voice because it felt like she was back home being verbally abused. Even though Matt was yelling and swearing at the football players and not Sarah, she could not separate the two. Once Matt understood how his behavior affected Sarah, he wanted to change and not hurt his wife. Once Sarah understood Matt’s history she wanted to work at staying in the room and watch the game with him. Both had a new understanding of the situation and both wanted to change to create a closer connection.

Sometimes when couples argue they tend to hear a word or tone that triggers an emotion. They do not look to understand the emotion that is behind the words. For example, there are many times in a therapy session when one partner will state how angry they are at the other partner. When I hear the word angry, I understand on a more vulnerable or primal level, that means hurt or sad. When someone becomes angry they do not want to be vulnerable. Anger is safer and creates distance. However, the true desire is to have their partner know and understand how hurt they really are.

In your significant relationship as well as any meaningful relationship, it is important to learn about the other person and understand their needs and desires. It is also important to be curious about their past, including relationships with their parents. We need to take time to understand who they are, what makes them feel loved, happy, sad, scared, excited, depressed and all the other emotions we experience. In other words, if we do not get to truly know and understand them, we will not know how to love them. Be curious about the people you love and care about – it will help keep a healthy relationship alive.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the one ingredient great relationships need?

Understanding. Beyond communication, time together and affection, partners need a genuine desire to understand each other, including what shaped each person and what they need to feel loved.

Why does understanding my partner's background matter?

The family we grew up in shapes how we react to tone, conflict and emotion. Knowing your partner's history helps explain reactions that might otherwise feel confusing or hurtful.

Why do certain words or tones trigger strong reactions in arguments?

A word or tone can echo painful past experiences, setting off an emotional response bigger than the moment. Recognizing these triggers helps couples slow down and respond with care.

How can I better understand my partner?

Ask open questions about their past and feelings, listen without defending yourself, stay curious about what they need, and check your assumptions before reacting.

Can couples counseling help partners understand each other?

Yes. A couples therapist can help you uncover each other's triggers and needs and build deeper understanding. Fox Valley Institute offers couples counseling in Naperville and by telehealth across Illinois. Call (630) 718-0717 to get started.