Suffering, and Then Recovery: Moving Through Grief

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Woman holding a green sticky note with a drawn smile over her mouth, masking her true feelings

Suffering

Here is where you really begin to feel the loss. This is usually the worst stage bringing a helpless and hopeless feeling. The full realization that you are grieving usually comes with suffering. Admit to yourself and to others, you need help. Suffering is healthy but it won’t feel like it is as family and friends drift back to their lives. They might start to apply their arbitrary time-frame. You might hear, “Well it’s been three months aren’t you feeling better?” Do not adapt their time-frame to your grief.

Your grief is your grief. Anger is also part of suffering. At first, it is difficult to experience your feelings because of the numbness. As the numbness wears off your feelings will be intense. Anger is a sign of protest. It is a normal and predictable emotion during a crisis or after a loss. It’s a way of fighting back when you feel helpless. Expressions of anger against injustices have always been with us. The loss of men and women working in the World Trade Center and the loss of the rescue workers put our country into shock and grief. And people were angry. We may even be angry at those who haven’t had to experience what we’ve been through. It’s unfair. “Why should they be let off the hook when I am in such pain?”

Recovery

There are recognizable guideposts in recovery. Pain turns from a preoccupation about the one who died to anxiety about your own future. In shock your actions are mechanical. In suffering your actions are forced by your own restlessness. In recovery, your actions are motivated by your own free choice. One of the first things you might notice is your ability to make choices. You may be able to balance the important against the unimportant. What bothered you in the past is now a small irritant.

You move from the hollow mind of grief to a human being who still lives. It’s when you force yourself to go to work, to visit friends, or to take a trip. You realize you are needed in your work, wanted by your friends, and travel is a welcome distraction and even pleasurable. Another indicator that you are healing; you are less dependent on friends and family and there is more balance in your life. Action by itself is a healthy release of emotions. Facing your situation spurs you into action sooner. A willingness to search for joy is a good creative first step.

Frequently Asked Questions

What happens during the suffering stage of grief?

After the initial shock and numbness wear off, the full weight of the loss sets in. Many people feel deep sadness, anger, loneliness and exhaustion during this stage.

Is it normal to feel angry while grieving?

Yes. Anger is a natural response to loss and helplessness. It may be directed at the situation, others, yourself, or even people who have not experienced a similar loss.

What are signs that I am beginning to recover from grief?

Signs include having more good days than bad, renewed interest in people and activities, being able to remember your loved one with less pain, and making plans for the future.

Why do others expect me to be over my grief sooner?

Friends and coworkers often return to normal life quickly and may not realize how long grief lasts. Your grief is your own and follows its own timeline.

When should I get help for grief?

If grief feels unbearable, lasts a long time without easing, or makes daily life hard to manage, grief counseling can help. Fox Valley Institute offers grief counseling in Naperville and by telehealth across Illinois. Call (630) 718-0717 to get started.

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Written by the Fox Valley Institute Clinical Team

Our licensed therapists and psychologists see clients in our Naperville office and by Telehealth anywhere in Illinois. Questions, or ready to get started? Text or call (630) 718-0717 or email clientcare@fvinstitute.com. 640 N River Rd Ste 108, Naperville, IL 60563.