Understanding Marital Conflict Can Help Make Resolving Quarrels Easier

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Countless millions of adults in this country have a parent with a drinking or drug problem.

Newlywed couple's hands with wedding rings resting together on a bouquet of peach roses

“Each fight really has three fights within it: the present fight, the history of the fight, and the family of origin fight…”

DING! It was round 2 of the Johnson’s knock-down-drag-out-fight.

Mary’s face was red. She wasn’t about to lose another fight. Joe wasn’t into the fight. He was mostly on the defensive, blocking her punches. This made Mary even madder. She wanted him to hurt like she did. She pulled out all the punches…

“You ALWAYS do things like this,” she jabbed. “I can NEVER count on you. Remember last time? Your apology was obviously just empty words.”

Joe bit his tongue to avoid escalating things.

Then, Mary wound up and blindsided him: “You’re just like your father.”

Whoa! Below the belt. DING! Time out. Back to your corners.

I’d like to say that in good relationships people never fight. But that’s very unrealistic. Arguments are a part of even the best relationship. But one secret of good relationships is, when they fight, they work to resolve the conflict.

Let’s look at why arguments happen, how to fight fair, and how to resolve conflicts.

Couples fight. It’s normal, healthy and natural. In fact, if a couple says they never fight it worries me more than hearing they have an occasional argument. Because if they’re not disagreeing once in a while, it means they’re probably holding in a lot of resentment. Couples fight because they’re human.

Now healthy fighting isn’t yelling and acting out. It means having an emotional disagreement without screaming or throwing things.

Before I go any further, let me set some quick ground rules for fighting fair:

Don’t use the “D” word. Never threaten divorce as a ploy,
Don’t compare your spouse to their parents. It will only escalate your argument.
Don’t feel you need to resolve things in one setting – getting away from the emotion and coming back in an hour or a day can make resolving the issue easier. If you choose to take time out, be sure you’re both clear on when you’re going to come back to talk about the issue.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal for married couples to argue?

Yes. Conflict is part of every close relationship. What sets healthy couples apart is not that they never fight, but that they work to resolve conflict and repair afterward.

What are the three fights within every fight?

Each argument often includes the present issue, the history of similar past arguments, and patterns each partner learned in their family of origin. Recognizing all three makes conflict easier to untangle.

What does it mean to fight fair?

Fighting fair means sticking to the current issue, avoiding words like always and never, skipping insults or comparisons to family members, and taking a break if things get too heated.

How can couples resolve conflict more effectively?

Take turns speaking and listening, reflect back what you hear, look for the need beneath the complaint, and work toward a solution you can both accept.

When should we get help with marital conflict?

If arguments feel constant, hurtful or stuck in the same loop, couples counseling can help. Fox Valley Institute offers marriage counseling in Naperville and by telehealth across Illinois. Call (630) 718-0717 to get started.

Laura L. Bokar, Ed.D., L.C.P.C., L.M.F.T., A.C.S

Dr. Laura Bokar is the CEO of Fox Valley Institute; she brings twenty-five years of experience in the realm of family and marital therapy. Dr. Laura Bokar’s passion for helping people reach their greatest potential by encouraging growth in their lives and relationships was her premise in founding Fox Valley Institute (FVI) in 2001. Her vision has propelled Fox Valley Institute’s growth to a team of over twenty- five professionals. The team desires to service the community in promoting living a healthy and balanced lifestyle. FVI is recognized in the community for their expertise and the resources in the form of innovative therapies and evidence-based treatments they provide. FVI continually seeks to expand their services by bringing on additional experts in the field of behavioral health.

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Written by the Fox Valley Institute Clinical Team

Our licensed therapists and psychologists see clients in our Naperville office and by Telehealth anywhere in Illinois. Questions, or ready to get started? Text or call (630) 718-0717 or email clientcare@fvinstitute.com. 640 N River Rd Ste 108, Naperville, IL 60563.