Telling the Truth: A Key to a Healthy Relationship

A relationship has the potential to provide a healthy way to come to terms with our issues, both personal and interpersonal. Accepting the truth, and talking about it, can free us of pain and set the stage for a healthier future. When we share our fears within the context of our partner’s loving understanding and acceptance, the fears dissipate. The issues we have been holding on to alone for so long lose their force when they are shared with someone who loves us. Telling the truth can bring down the barriers that isolate us from our partners. It can lead to a new level of self-acceptance and authenticity in our own lives – and this in turn leads to a stronger level of commitment and intimacy in our relationship. The truth can make us whole and set us free.

Here are some guidelines for telling the truth –

• Understand what you intend to do when you communicate. This calls for an honest look at your motivations. If you intend to create healing, clarity, or a deeper sense of intimacy within the relationship, your intention will probably lead to these results. If, on the other hand, you want to make yourself look good and your partner look bad – or if you want to hurt your partner – then distrust will result from the communication.

• Assess how well your partner can handle the truth. There are times when your partner may not be ready to have heartfelt talks. A clue to this is when your partner continually rejects, or is unable to hear, your attempts at increased closeness. If your partner tends to become defensive, if there is a history of fighting when serious issues are discussed, if your partner is unable to honor your personal information and can’t keep a secret, or if there is a history of betrayal – then it might be best to practice telling the truth with another person, not your partner. Then, when you feel comfortable in telling the truth and trusting, it will be time to engage in heartfelt talks with your partner. Some people prefer to start the process alone with a therapist, since they are trained to listen non-judgmentally and are less likely to take things personally.

• Understand your own fears about telling the truth. Communicating on an honest and truthful level makes you vulnerable. You may fear getting hurt or hurting your partner’s feelings. You may feel that you will be misunderstood or that your partner will judge you negatively. Our fears are based on past experiences and reside within us. They are often unrealistic. The higher goal is to communicate truthfully with your partner in order to have a more satisfying relationship, and this means having the courage to confront your fears.

• Accept the fact that your partner does not have to agree with you. Many of us are afraid to have intimate talks with our partners unless they agree with everything we have to say. Unfortunately, this leads not so much to intimacy, which involves a sharing and acceptance of our differences, as it does to control struggles and isolation from our partners. Accept, and even treasure, your partner’s individuality. Two people can be right at the same time in a relationship – it’s just a matter of two different interpretations of the same events. Intimacy occurs between two complete, whole individuals, each of whom honors their partner’s way of looking at the world.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why is telling the truth so hard in relationships?

Many of us fear rejection, conflict or hurting the person we love. We may also be hiding things we have not fully accepted about ourselves, which makes honesty feel risky.

How can telling the truth strengthen a relationship?

Sharing fears and struggles within a loving relationship often makes them lose their power. Honest sharing builds self-acceptance, deeper commitment and greater intimacy.

How should I prepare to tell my partner something difficult?

Get clear on what you hope to achieve, consider how ready your partner is to hear it, notice your own fears, and choose a calm time and place to talk.

What if my partner disagrees with what I share?

Your partner does not have to agree with you for the conversation to be worthwhile. The goal is understanding, not winning, and differences can be talked through over time.

Can a therapist help us have honest conversations?

Yes. A couples therapist can provide a safe space for difficult truths and help you both listen and respond with care. Fox Valley Institute offers couples counseling in Naperville and by telehealth across Illinois. Call (630) 718-0717 to get started.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/staying-together-create-healthy-committed-relationship/
https://fvinstitute.com/manipulation-in-relationships/
https://fvinstitute.com/a-regular-checkup-is-good-for-the-mind-as-well-as-the-body/
https://fvinstitute.com/are-selfies-a-sign-of-a-mental-disorder/
https://fvinstitute.com/dependent-personality-disorder-diagnosis-and-treatment/
https://fvinstitute.com/highly-sensitive-people-strengths/